


After the rain

by LilianaJusic



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Break down, Drama, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Escape, Getting Lost, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Hwang Hyunjin, Love Triangles, M/M, Multi, Obsession, Physical Abuse, Possessive Behavior, Psychological Trauma, Romance, Smut, Stalking, Stockholm Syndrome, Trapped, aesthetic, destroyed life, forest, killer changbin, mentalk breakdown, notstraightkids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-10-27 14:42:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 67,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17768720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilianaJusic/pseuds/LilianaJusic
Summary: After the rain comes the rainbow... but what if the rain never ends?As a plane crashes right in front of his eyes in the middle of the forest, wanted serial killer Changbin decides to safe that certain injured boy and takes him home with him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> spotify:user:j235bahe1j4vy6wp0qqcxe3ls:playlist:1K43yYbxn4hLL3Tcf3235G
> 
> I created a playlist on Spotify:) It's called "After the rain", just as the story. I loved listening to those songs while writing, and I believe it's pretty chill and nice to have some wonderful background music playing. To activate the link, you need to download Spotify on your phone/computer (for free if you don't want to pay), and copy the link into the search field above in google, then you'll be asked to switch to the app and then you can listen to it:) Hope you like the music!!

#  Chapter I

“After the rain comes the rainbow.” But what if the rain never ends?

Everything hurt. Felix didn’t know if he was awake or asleep, he couldn’t think clearly, his fuzzy mind seemed to spin. His eyes were closed, yet he saw the light blue sky above him, not a single cloud was there. And as it’s bright and soft colour slowly turned darker and darker until it was almost black, he was sure he could see the orange, crimson sun glowing over the far horizon. Or maybe he was just dying. He didn’t know, he couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. His sore throat was dry, screaming for water, yet he somehow managed to ignore this one need. He thought dying was painless. Probably, he wasn’t dying, he was just laying somewhere on the soaked, cool forest floor that was covered with soft moss and prickly leaves. He was anywhere, nowhere. He didn’t even remember how he ended up like this, hurt, he couldn’t feel his legs anymore, but he didn’t know if he should panic or be glad about not having to feel even more agony. The rough, pressuring taste of gas and smoke filled his lungs every time he inhaled and every breath hurt like a knife was rammed through his ribcage and teared out right after. He had his eyes open, he felt it, they were painfully dry as he blinked from time to time. And when he opened them again, it seemed that an hour or more had already passed. Time passed so fast and Felix waited for something he knew wouldn’t happen, but he prayed for it anyway. If he could live, then he chose life over death. He heard it clearly, yet it seemed so far away. Footsteps approaching, yes, somebody was coming. Or he had already been here long ago. Felix couldn’t tell, could only see the blurred silhouette bending over him. It was a man. Or was it a woman? He had no other choice but to trust, he had no control over his own body as he felt his eyes falling shut again, he was sure he’d pass out. However, the fact that someone was with him calmed him at least a little.

Changbin sighed deeply, not taking his gaze from the boy, that laid underneath him. It was a teen, or maybe it was only a very young-looking man. To Changbin, he seemed so small, so helpless, so vulnerable. Unbelievable, what great damage this one guy had done to the forest. There was a heavy cloud of dark smog flying over the ground, toxic to every mammal, every human and Changbin asked himself if it was even necessary to try saving him. He had killed people, yet somehow, he felt something inside his stomach twisting when he looked a little closer at the unconscious. He was foreign, he could tell, had blonde-dyed, almost white hair and freckles. It was a pit how a beautiful boy like this would just die. Changbin bit his lips in curiosity, slowly crouching down over the boy. Out of reflex, he let his hand wander to the other’s neck, feeling if there’s a sign of life, a pulse, a heartbeat maybe. And to his surprise, the blondie was alive. Then, he slung his fingers around the pale, skinny neck, feeling the smooth and soft milky skin under his fingertips clearly as he realized how easily he could end this, end this meaningless, weak of a life. However, there’s a feeling, a pressure, a question even. He couldn’t do it, or well, he could. He was Seo Changbin, he could do everything! He just didn’t want to, was not keen on killing someone as pretty and defenceless like this, he was neither a coward, nor a weakling. Killing without a reason, he did that, but he had never killed an almost dead teen that was unconscious and unable to fight. What if he’d save him? Would that make up ethically for his uncountable crimes? Huffing, he chuckled, letting his gaze fall a little, staring at the ground. Lost in thoughts. That’s how he felt a lot recently. Without thinking anymore, he carelessly slung his arms around the boy’s neck and around his slender legs, lifting him up laboriously. He was rather heavy, much heavier actually than Changbin had expected, since the blondie was pretty petite, but he didn’t mind as he turned on his heels, leaving behind the little glade, which not looked more like a battlefield than a forest, the plane, which still smoked and creaked from time to time had destroyed it all.

 

 

What even did he live for?

Changbin groaned as he finally arrived at the place he called ‘home’, hidden so far and deep in the woods that only people who had lost their ways in the large forest would find it. It was just perfect, it was not a tall house, but it had many rooms under the forest floor, from outside, it looked like a completely normal abandoned cabin. However, it was close to a little well, which brought the headwaters to the river that flowed through the whole forest and supplied like this all the large trees with fresh water. Changbin had been living here for over a year now, the forest was his home, the silence made him somehow feel at ease. And the people wouldn’t want him anyway, he was a criminal after all, a killer. They wanted him to open up, but then they judged his words. Shaking his head, he let the door fall shut behind him. Without really caring if he’d hurt the already injured boy in his arms even more, he dropped him onto his couch, which was rather large and very comfy, when he had found the house it had already been there, it had looked old and dusty, but he had liked it. He let himself fall down as well behind the boy, looking at him once again and asking himself how he could be so heavy. This boy wasn’t just skinny, he was _lean_. His waist was slim, his legs slender and his shoulders weren’t broad. He was extremely petite, his face delicate like a doll’s face. So beautiful. Changbin leaned back, inwardly hitting himself. That’s not how he should be thinking, that’s about the opposite. He’s a killer, a merciless murderer, why did he even bring this boy here? However, he let his eyes fall shut, for the first time he heard something he hadn’t heard in a long while: another’s presence. Listening to the boy’s soft breathing, he felt himself relaxing and getting excited the same time. It was strange, how he felt the urge to see this guy awake, to see the light sparkle in his eyes, but at the same time he wanted to see the desperation of living and tears in his eyes, he wanted to hear him laugh and beg for his life the same time. After a while, Changbin got up again, looks like he wouldn’t get much sleep tonight as well.

 

 

Felix felt nauseous when he opened his eyes, his throat felt like tar. The sky above him had disappeared, a ceiling was over him now, he was at a place he didn’t know. However, he felt comfortable somehow, the fluffy material, whatever it was, put him at ease, it was better than the ground, where he had laid before. And he felt warm. Inhaling deeply, he slowly turned his head aside, careful, he didn’t want to hurt his spinal column, he didn’t want to be unable to move for the rest of his life.

There’s a fire burning in a little fireplace, but the warmth came from somewhere behind him, so he guessed there must be a heater in this room. A blanket covered him, a red, fluffy one and he was actually glad that whoever brought him here decided to help him. He felt his legs aching terribly, but he didn’t dare to lift up the blanket and look at them, he was scared of whatever he was to see.

However, they were still on him, he hadn’t lost them and he could feel his toes, his limbs weren’t dead yet and he was glad about it, even if it meant pain. As his eyes wandered over his covered legs, he suddenly froze. The clothes he wore weren’t his. Without another thought, he ripped the blanket off his body, eyeing the strange things on him, they belonged to someone else, yet they somehow fit him perfectly. Whoever gave him the clothes, he had dressed him in some sweatpants and a simple, white t-shirt.

The longer he looked at himself, the more Felix felt a strange kind of feeling, adrenaline and fear, rising inside his chest. There were bandages on his elbows, on his arms, on his neck and on his face even. Everywhere. His head suddenly ached, like a sharp knife shot through his back and slowly carved upward, so painfully Felix pressed his eyes shut and groaned a little as he let himself fall back onto the bed, or couch he laid on. He could barely move, his legs, which were bandaged as well, he couldn’t move them either, he felt them, but couldn’t use them. Just then he realized that he was completely trapped. If his savoir was a psycho who enjoyed to torture and kill him he had no chance escaping, he was like a little mouse who couldn’t run away from the hungry kitten that waited for it at the end of the path it was going.

“Don’t move.” Felix reopened his eyes, jerking slightly at the sudden voice, he felt the hair on his arms standing vertically as he opened his mouth to speak, but he was tongue-tied somehow and everything that came out was a squeezed-out whimper. He couldn’t see whoever was talking to him, he only saw a shadow moving at the edge of his eyes. However, he wanted to see him, hear him, thank him that he had saved him, even though he couldn’t clearly remember what had happened to put him in the status he was in now. Then, the certain someone appeared over him, but the headache made his view dizzy and foggy and he couldn’t see him clearly as he bent over Felix, his rather big, almost pitch-black eyes sparkled in the dim light of the fire. He had a sharp chin, thin lips and Felix felt a little taken aback. “Are you thirsty?” He asked and Felix felt a burden getting lifted off him, finally and he nodded without hesitation. And the man over him disappeared again.

 

 

Felix sipped on the still hot tea, burning his lips and biting his tongue with a little hiss. “I told you to blow.” The man said, his voice as hard as stone and Felix felt a little intimidated. Should he say sorry? Was he supposed to talk even? He gently blew over the cup, he was thirsty. However, thanks to the painkiller he took before his headache was almost fully gone. His saviour sure was a kind person, at least he hoped so. “What’s your name?” Felix looked up, his blonde bangs fell into his almond shaped slit-eyes, covering them slightly. “F-Felix.” He answered shortly, meeting the other’s eyes for less than a second. “How old are you?” it felt like he was sitting in an interrogation, questioned out, but he answered anyway. “I’m… uhm…” When was he born again? He swallowed hard, forcing the thick lump inside his dry throat down. He forgot…

The man opposite of him seemed impatient, judging somehow and as Felix looked up, he felt himself shrinking. “Can’t remember?” his voice seemed provoking and Felix let his head hanging low. Yeah, he couldn’t remember a thing. And it made him feel pathetically weak, defeated even.

“I’m Changbin.” The man opposite of him suddenly said, breaking the silence between them and making Felix look up again, his big, brown eyes sparkled. “Seo Changbin.” He sighed and stood properly, towering over Felix almost as he stood over him. “By the way,

I…” “Thank you.” Felix cut him off quickly, not moving, holding his breath when Changbin looked down, holding eye-contact.

Changbin stepped back again. “What for?”

Felix felt something clenching inside his chest. Was he serious? “For saving my life of course.”

His words were followed by silence again. “Oh… yeah, welcome.” He lowered his face, making a shadow fall over his eyes. For some reason, Felix felt strange. As if Changbin didn’t want to hear him. “Can you bring me to the city?” he finally dared to ask, biting his tongue once again.

“No.” Changbin said after a pause, his face suddenly was bitter. “I can’t do that.” He turned around. “But-” Felix shouted, sitting up jerkily, but moaning at the pain that shot through his body and paralyzed him for a moment. “You’ll stay here until you can walk by yourself.” Changbin added, turning only his head and giving the obviously younger one a very quick glance. Felix wanted to protest, but the pain cut his voice down painfully. “No…” he just whispered shakily, falling back and pressing his eyes shut. Every muscle in every limb seemed to cramp.

“Here.” Changbin crouched down, suddenly next to Felix, grabbing him by the back of his head and supporting him carefully, taking the cup from Felix’s clenching hands and helping him drink. Even though Felix lost trust he already didn’t have and felt the awful feeling of fear inside his chest, he let Changbin do whatever he wanted to do. Somehow, he felt terrible enough to just give in to everything. Help is help. And he needed a lot of it.

He swallowed the last drop of tea and Changbin laid his head back onto the pillow, putting his hand on top of Felix’s head. “Your fever is gone.” He murmured, more to himself than to Felix and the blondie followed the elder with his eyes. “I put some drugs into the tea, so you’ll be able to sleep.” Changbin let himself fall down, sitting crossed legged on the ground beside Felix, resting his elbows on his knees.

“This would be hard if you were weak, but you’re not weak.” His voice was firm yet calming somehow. Even though he was warm, Felix felt his hands shaking slightly, clutching tightly to the blanket, that covered him. He couldn’t speak, he didn’t dare, there was something like an aura that surrounded Changbin and made him somehow seem like a danger, a threat. Avoiding eye-contact, Felix looked aside, Changbin sat in front of him, looking, starring at him in a piercing way that made him feel uncomfortable. “So… you’ll stay here until your legs are fine again.” The elder finally said, getting up and turning around, facing Felix with his back. ‘ _Don’t go_ …’ he thought, the words burned on his tongue, but he couldn’t bring himself to open his mouth. Changbin left and Felix was alone again.

 

He wished he had never opened his eyes the next morning. Felix blinked, his eyes felt crusty and hot and he felt like somebody stepped on him. His bed, or better, the couch he laid on, was much too hot and he felt like his head was about to explode. He threw the blanket away from his body, hoping for the fresh air to cool him down somehow, but it was no use. He felt thirsty and hungry, yet sick and he didn’t want to move. He was fully awake, but his body felt tired, weak, as if he’d been running for too long. “Finally…” He turned his head aside, looking for Changbin, who obviously spoke to him again. He sat on a black wooden chair, reading some kind of newspaper and circling some phrases from time to time. “What?” Felix asked, trying to sit, but the pain stopped him from doing so and he started trembling in exhaustion even though he didn’t even do much. Changbin looked up as well, his calm, dark eyes met Felix hazelnut-brown eyes. “I thought you were dead.” Changbin said, his expression didn’t change. Felix let his eyes fall, looking down on his own body. His legs were fully bandaged and he felt a sour taste of pain as he tensed them slightly. How long would it take to heal?

“Can I take a shower?” It slipped past his lips before he could even register. Changbin hadn’t taken his eyes off Felix the whole time, but as the younger looked up with begging eyes, Felix thought that he could see a slight sparkle of responsibility glowing in the elder’s eyes. “Shower? It’s not that you can stand.” He huffed and Felix blushed a little in embarrassment. Changbin was right. Right now, Felix was practically unable to move, couldn’t walk, couldn’t stand. He couldn’t even sit. “You know…” Changbin cut his thoughts off. “You could swim… there’s a lake beside my house.” That sure would be good, wouldn’t it?

Felix nodded, feeling a little facilitated. “You want that?” Changbin looked aside. “Yes… can you…” Felix answered, but his phrase faded away. “I’ll bring you there, don’t worry.” He got up. The relief Felix was feeling right now seemed like it took a whole pressure off his shoulders and he smiled. “Thank you.”

 

 

Changbin huffed under the weight of the blondie on his back. He was heavy, or maybe Changbin was just not really in shape anymore, however, he was sure the lake would make the kid heal faster. Felix’s wounds would only hurt if he put a strain on them, what he would mind if he was in the water. The lake wasn’t huge, but it was big enough. The turquois water was only clear when it rushed to the shore, small waves crashing tenderly onto the black gravel beach. He heard Felix breathing softly next to his ear, his blonde hair tickled his neck, but he didn’t mind. “So, here we are…” he exhaled deeply, his knees were wobbly and he searched for some kind of bank, a large stone or anything to place Felix down for a moment. “Woah, so beautiful!” Felix seemed cheerful and Changbin rolled his eyes. What a nuisance.

He placed him down on a rock, or maybe he let him fall onto the stone sloppily, near the water, feeling his back aching in relief. “Is it very cold?” Felix asked innocently, unsure, and Changbin sighed. “Yeah, probably.” Then, he turned his head from the lake to Felix, eyeing him in a piercing way. “Let me take off the bandages.” He bent down carefully, somehow, he felt scared to touch the boy. He feared that he’d hurt him.

However, he quickly hunted that thought out of his brain. What a nonsense! Complete nonsense, who’d care if he hurt the boy?

He grabbed the bondages and teared them off, making Felix jerk a little. ‘ _It doesn’t hurt that much_ …’ Changbin thought as he stood up properly. Felix looked at him and he looked at Felix. The blondie was… beautiful. So beautiful Changbin got shocked at himself for starring so long. “What is it?” Felix’s voice echoed through his head, louder than the chirping of the birds and the soft soughing of the lake’s small waves. The leaves rustled in the trees and for a moment, the world seemed to have frozen.

“Hm?” Changbin was absent somehow. “Why are you looking at me like this?” He needed an excuse... “You’ve something on your face…” he coldly replied. “Are you gonna swim with this on?” He pointed onto the shirt the younger one was still wearing. “Ah, no.” Felix grabbed the hem of the shirt, pulling it over his head and it actually left Changbin almost speechless. What if he were a crazy, perverted psychopath? Well, he didn’t deny the fact that he was crazy and not really okay in his mind, but at least he wasn’t a pedophile. “Careful, your earring.” Changbin’s voice was not loud, actually, he spoke without thinking. Again. “Don’t worry.” Felix didn’t look at him as he laid the shirt aside, crumbled together.

Changbin was careful this time as he lifting Felix onto his back once again, slowly stepping into the clear, cold water of the lake. He had left his shoes at the shore and left his clothes on, opposite of Felix who only wore the pair of sweatpants Changbin had given him the other day. The fresh water felt icy around his toes as he touched it, so calming somehow, he loved taking a swim here, especially in summer when it was too hot. He didn’t like the heat, he was the type of man who loved the cold weather more. Autumn was the best, he thought, because it was warm from time to time, but cold and he could wear hoodies, he loved hoodies.

Felix was quiet, all of sudden, much to Changbin’s relief. It was finally silent again, yet it felt like the younger’s annoying jabbering was missed somehow. “Why aren’t you talking?” He finally asked as he was halfway in the water, the coldness reaching up to the middle of his belly and he shuddered slightly under the thin shirt he was wearing. “Uhm… just because…” Felix clenched to Changbin and the elder wanted to tell him that it was actually painful, but he kept his mouth shut. However, he then realized something, there’s an accent he knew. “Where are you from?” Changbin stopped abruptly almost and he felt Felix breath speeding up slightly. “I don’t know… I’m sorry.” He answered shortly, leaving Changbin dissatisfied.

“Let me down.” The blondie commanded, untangling his arms around Changbin’s neck. “Your legs won’t carry you yet, you’ll fall.” Changbin replied, Felix was a little taller than him and he sure was still too heavy for the water to make him weightless. “No, I can! Let me down!”

A second later Changbin let him slide off his back and made him fall down, the blue water swallowed the younger’s tiny frame almost and he sank, not much, he could sit, but his legs were weak and unable to hold the weight of the boy, just how Changbin had predicted. “Ouch…” he mumbled, pressing his eyes shut and holding his breath in pain.

“Told you.” Changbin smirked a little, feeling strangely satisfied as he laid one hand onto the younger one’s blonde dyed, lissom hair. “Idiot…” He murmured, making Felix look up, temper sparkling in his eyes. “I’m okay!” he swatted the hand off his head, supporting his body with his hands as he stumbled forward, standing for less than a second before he fell down once again, water splashing around. ‘ _Now, that’s amusing_ …’ Changbin thought as he sighed, stepping to Felix’s side and grabbing him by his arm. “Look, I’m not a doctor, but what you’re doing right now is…” he went silent, his smile fell. The teen looked completely exhausted as he tried to sit somehow, but ending up on his knees and supporting his upper body with his arms, water reaching up to his neck. His hair was dripping, soaked, a few of his white bangs stuck to his forehead, other’s fell into his eyes and covered them slightly and his back rose and sunk heavily with every hard, almost painful sounding breath he took.

“Still okay?” If he’d answered ‘yes’ Changbin would have probably just left him there, but the blondie was honest with him as he looked up, searching for eye-contact. “No…” he sounded broken somehow and Changbin sighed deeply. “C’mon!” He dragged the boy up by his arm, surprisingly easy actually, slinging the skinny arm around his own neck and supporting him as he walked deeper into the water, which was not so shallow anymore and eventually Changbin’s feet couldn’t reach the ground anymore and he let go of Felix.

 

Felix was shaking of coldness when Changbin placed him down on the rock he had sat him down before they went for a swim. Felix was dripping, slinging his arms around his lean torso in a failed attempt to keep himself warm somehow and Changbin looked around. He forgot to bring the towels… Should he get them and leave the boy here, or should he just take him home again? He didn’t know, both was okay, if the kid stayed outside a little longer, he’d heal faster probably. Fresh air was healthy after all.

“I’ll be back in a minute, just stay here.” Felix didn’t reply as Changbin turned around, facing the younger with his back, but stopping. Changbin turned his head. “You stay here.” A shadow fell over his face and Felix swallowed hard before he nodded obediently. The elder’s tone made him shudder.

Changbin stared at him and Felix waited for him to leave, actually, he felt strangely pressured now. “Don’t worry…” he quietly mumbled, looking aside and Changbin seemed to be satisfied with that. A soft breeze made the leaves in the trees rustle again, so soft, calming somehow, yet it sounded somehow stormy.

Felix waited patiently for the elder’s silhouette to disappear behind the bushes and the trees, his eyes sparkling. ‘Now it’s my chance!’ he thought enthusiastically, jumping off the rock, where Changbin had placed him on.

However, the second his feet touched the ground he regretted his decision as unbearable pain shot jerkily through his legs, through his whole torso and he buckled in a painful way, letting himself fall down onto the wet pebble ground heavily. Everything hurt, literally, Felix saw the world spinning in front of his eyes, but forced himself to stay awake. Nobody knew if Changbin wasn’t actually a bad person and Felix had a very strange feeling about the elder. Of course, he was thankful for what he did, nevertheless, his stomach somehow told him that this person was not who he pretended to be. Changbin probably kept his real self hidden and only showed Felix what he wanted the younger to see.

He reached out, grabbing onto the dirt of the ground and pulled himself forward laboriously. He was pathetically slow and he thought about swimming to the other shore, but Changbin would see him there, in the water, and Changbin seemed to be a better swimmer than he was in his current situation, so Felix dragged himself behind a bugger bush.

He fell down a muddy hill, rolling down and scratching his face as he did and he also hurt his legs as he moved them somehow in a very wrong way. Pressing his eyes shut, Felix but his tongue to hold in the groan of pain and waited. He waited for footsteps to approach, and as they finally did, he held his breath, laying still in his uncomfortable and disadvantageous position, somehow managing to get himself into a sitting position, which was even less comfortable.

Would hiding help? Was it a good idea even? How long would it take to drag himself out of the forest this way?

He realized he screwed up because he’d never be able to get near the city all by himself in the position he was in now. Furthermore, Changbin had told him to stay, which he did not do.

“Felix?”

 

 

Changbin felt anger rising inside his chest, anger and nervousness. He told the kid to stay, why would he run off? Why would he? Biting his lips, Changbin tossed the towel aside angrily, sighing. Felix couldn’t have come far, he couldn’t walk, he was probably just hiding. Hide and seek, weren’t they a little too old for that?

Actually, he was pissed. It’s true that he didn’t really care about that life of the boy, however, he told him to stay put, he gave him an order and Felix didn’t care at all and decided that running (or crawling) away was better than staying with him. ‘ _Little brat_ …’ Changbin cursed inwardly, kicking a surprisingly heavy branch away.

“Felix?” he shouted loudly, he was sure the boy heard him clearly.

“You can’t escape, you know that!” He smirked, it felt like a cat and mouse play, he was the cat and Felix were the mouse. A wounded, weak, little mouse that was trembling in fear and Changbin shuddered at the thought. ‘ _Yeah, better be scared_.’

He listened to the silence, the quiet leaves, which moved slightly in the wind, the soughing of the lake, however, there was something else, something that triggered that hunting-instinct inside Changbin.

Breathing.

Very soft, panicked breathing. Changbin knew who it was, no doubt about it, and he felt strangely excited. He wouldn’t go for the kill, even though he would have loved to see the young boy’s wide, teary eyes when his skin got paler, the air not able anymore to reach his desperate lungs that were on fire when Changbin chocked him to death.

No, that wouldn’t happen.

“Found you…” he just breathed, smirking sickly when he moved towards the bush, where the dim noises came from, ripping the leaves aside and parting the branches.

He was right, it was Felix.

The blondie looked up with wide eyes, obviously shocked when Changbin moved closer, crouching down right in front of him. It went quiet, deadly silent almost and Felix felt himself freezing, petrified. “Found you…” Changbin smirked.

Then, his smile fell all of sudden, his previous expression was replaced by a look Felix didn’t know, somehow scary, evil even and he fought the urge to hold his breath.

“You ran away from me.” Changbin stated, so firm and clear Felix felt himself getting desperate. He felt like a kid, getting scolded. Just with other consequences, other punishments and he asked himself if Changbin would hurt him. Unconsciously, he started shaking his head, murmuring soft noises Changbin almost overheard. “No, no…” He mumbled, his lips shaking slightly as he looked up with wide puppy-eyes, that almost let Changbin go soft. Almost, they didn’t manage though.

A sudden shock of fear rushed down his body when Changbin reached out for him, grabbing him harshly by his skinny, naked shoulders and gripping so hard his long fingernails almost broke through the younger’s smooth skin. “Don’t lie to me!” Changbin yelled, making the blondie jerk and let his face fall, avoiding eye-contact and pressing his eyes shut tightly.

“I-I didn’t…” Felix’s voice faded as he realized it was no use talking to Changbin right now. And he also realized that lying was one of the worst things he could do right now as he threw a quick glance up the elder’s face.

He was sure he’d remember those eyes, how they sparkled hatefully and angrily down on him.

“I’m sorry.” He finally said, his voice weak and he felt strangely defeated, caught even, a nervousness came over his whole body and made him tense. Changbin stood silent, as if he was waiting for Felix to speak on, but Felix didn’t know what to say anymore. There wasn’t much more to say, right? “You better be.” The elder growled at last, inhaling deeply before he blinked.

“You’re coming back with me.” It wasn’t a choice, it wasn’t a command either. It was reality and Felix didn’t even try to defend himself when Changbin slung one arm around his still naked, wet torso, lifting him up from the ground heavily.

It was no choice at all. Felix was to stay with Changbin for now.

“Don’t make me break your arms as well.”

Changbin sighed deeply, trying to drag the blondie, that defended himself pretty heavily for the current situation and state he was in right now, forward somehow by his skinny wrist. He actually didn’t want Felix to leave. There’s a small chance he’d be found when he ran away now, and Changbin didn’t want to risk getting caught by the police. Also, the younger’s company was a thing he had missed. The presence of another human, even though he hated crowds and many people, this one single boy seemed to be pretty amusing to have around.

And Changbin decided to save him, so he wouldn’t just let him off like this. “C’mon now!” He literally pulled Felix over the forest floor like a lifeless ragdoll, a thing, something dead that didn’t move, because that’s what Felix did, he just slacked. Only from time to time he reached his rather tiny hand, that was still free, out for a tree or a branch or a stone to hold onto it tightly and prevent himself from getting dragged any further.

Nevertheless, he was weak against Changbin and the elder teared him rather softly off every tree he held onto. “Please…” he almost overheard the younger’s whispery voice, but it was enough to make him stop and let go of him for a split second. It’s not that he was able to run away.

“What is it?” Why would he run away even? Changbin looked down onto the blondie, his soaked hair stuck to his face and his huge puppy-eyes sparked as he lifted his gaze from the ground and searched for eye-contact. “D-don’t kill me, please…” he begged shakily, he sounded suffocated.

Changbin wondered why the kid thought that he’d kill him, however, he didn’t know if he should find it interesting, funny or sad. He was a killer, but he didn’t kill him, wouldn’t kill, he wouldn’t even touch him probably. If he thought that, maybe he remembered…

“Do you remember?”

It was just a little phrase, but it seemed to have a huge effect on Felix. He couldn’t describe it, how he felt that it triggered something inside the younger, yet he knew. However, Felix avoided his eyes then, looking aside and murmuring a soft “No…”. Was it a lie? Changbin wondered, but didn’t ask any further.

Furthermore, he kept quiet and crouched down to the other’s lever, who still sat moveless on the ground, breathing unevenly. “Look, I’m not gonna hurt you,” he took a deep breath before he continued, “except for when you anger me.” He bent closer and Felix backed off, he looked up, but avoided eye-contact and Changbin noticed his hands shaking slightly.

“When you try to run away, for an example.” He had absolutely no expression on his face when he himself backed away as well, getting up again and staring down onto the kid, that suddenly looked much smaller and weaker than before.

A short silence was between them again.

“C’mon, get up.” Again, it was no choice he gave the younger, it was a command and Felix looked up now fully, his eyes seemed swollen, but he didn’t cry. No, it was just as Changbin had already thought. Felix was not weak.

“But I _can’t_ move my legs…” he replied, looking somehow desperate now and to Changbin, he more and more resembled the character of a little kid that got lost. “I know… that’s why I’m gonna help you.” Changbin didn’t even know what he just said, however, it felt somehow good, the thought of taking care of someone.

Then, he froze.

Felix smiled at him.

“Sorry for running away…” he looked down onto his lap, his hands folded in front of his body and Changbin needed a few seconds to catch his breath again. “What is it?” Felix asked, now not letting Changbin out of his eyes anymore, also not when the elder turned around, coughing. However, after a moment his throat felt free again and he cleared his throat, turning back. “Hm, nothing…” he said quietly, his expression back to normal, or better: emotionless. He moved forward quickly, crouching down once again with his back turned to Felix, so fast he hoped for the other to not ask him anymore. “Get on my back.”

 

 

“Can you show me your house?” Felix’s voice was cheerful again, yet distant somehow. Changbin thought that the younger was more a talking-machine than human, always talking non-stop, but forgetting what he said just a minute ago. “Yup…” He shortly answered, not even noticing himself smiling softly. However, Felix seemed careful, almost too careful right now, as if he was scared somehow that he’d annoy Changbin.

“And are we gonna eat lunch?” It was still early though… Nevertheless, Changbin felt his stomach grumbling as well. “Are you hungry?” he chuckled, shoving the petite body further up his back to make it a little more comfortable for himself. “Yes!”

He didn’t ask the blondie what he wanted to eat because he only had can-spaghettis and ramen. He literally lived of noodles.

“You know, the weather is pretty nice today, isn’t it?” Felix went on jabbering, but Changbin didn’t even listen to him anymore. “Could it be that it’s going to rain soon?” The younger pointed at the grey clouds in the sky, resting his elbow painfully heavily on Changbin’s shoulder and the elder just huffed in response. “Maybe…”. “And what are we going to do later?” Felix brought his arms back, wrapping it around Changbin’s neck and he shivered once again when he felt the other’s moist breath ghosting over the side of his face. “Don’t know, what do you want to do?” Actually, Changbin was just too exhausted by the extra weight on his back to answer something else and he felt his lungs starting to ache the longer he walked up the little path on the hill that led to the house. “Don’t know, is there something to do?” Changbin wanted to answer ‘no, there’s nothing’, but kept quiet. He wished the younger would just shut up and be silent for just a minute, but before he even finished his thoughts, Felix went on: “You know, getting carried around is pretty comfy!”

 

 

Changbin wasn’t careful when he let Felix fall down his back onto the couch again. He was sure of one thing: if Felix’s legs were healed, he’d carry Changbin at least for a month everywhere he wanted to go.

“Hyung…” It scared him actually and he jerkily turned around, facing the blondie that sat on his couch, leaned back comfortable and a cheeky smile on his pretty face. “I can call you like that, right? You are my Hyung.” He tilted his head, looking up with those somehow naughtily sparkling eyes. Changbin nodded hesitantly, his gaze wandering around the room nervously. “Yeah, sure…” he cleared his throat. “How old are you, Hyung?” It seemed familiar, yet so far away, being called like this and Changbin tasted the bitter odor of disappointment when he remembered a part of his past, he actually wanted to forget so badly, but couldn’t up until now because it literally haunted him. Shaking his head, he turned his attention back to the younger one, his round eyes shone dark in the dim light, that came from outside through the slightly dirty windows. “Why’s that important?” He asked back, turning around and hearing Felix chuckling. “It’s because I’m curious about you!” He smiled, but Changbin couldn’t. “Okay, I’m 20.” He seemed a little grumpy when he spoke, actually, he was just confused.

He didn’t know that a smile could make him this happy, apparently, he thought it was impossible to feel happy when there’s this thing he couldn’t name, a feeling, sitting deep inside his mind and manipulating him where ever it wanted to. However, Felix seemed to be able to change that, the blondie did something with him that did him good, made him feel better in a strange way.

“Can we eat?” Felix teared him back to present and Changbin hesitated a second before he lifted his brows. “Yeah, let’s eat…”

 

 

Despite not being able to move, Felix sure could talk like a book. Changbin swallowed his last noodles, pretending to not be annoyed by the endless jabbering of the younger.

“You know, it’s pretty cool here!” he said and Changbin nodded silently. “How long have you been living here?” He looked up, feeling Felix’s stare on him, eyes that seemed innocent and harmless, but pierced him the same time. As if he knew everything about Changbin already, as if he wanted to find out every little unimportant thing the elder did in his life. “Why do you live here even?” Obtrusively, that’s what this whole questioning was about and Changbin knew that he couldn’t satisfy the kid with keeping quiet and ignoring him.

However, he didn’t want him to know. If he knew, he would probably become scared, he’d stop talking, what would be pretty relaxing, but Changbin didn’t want him to flip out.

“I’ll tell you later, okay?” ‘ _Let it be enough_ …’ he prayed inwardly. To his surprise it really was enough and Felix took another bite, he was a slow eater. However, he was not as dumb as Changbin first thought, he got the message pretty quick and he went silent.

“Hyung.”

Changbin looked up again, Felix looked somehow bothered. “You really like calling me this way, huh?” he tilted his head and a small smile made it on his face. He expected the younger to smile back, but Felix didn’t and it made him feel a little disappointed. “What is it?” he leaned forward.

“My back hurts…” Felix was hesitant, careful even and Changbin felt panic rising slightly inside his chest. “Your back?” it shouldn’t hurt, but Changbin reminded calm so the younger wouldn’t panic. “Want me to have a look?” Slowly, the blondie nodded, biting his lips slightly when Changbin got up and walked over to his side to help him standing up and walking over to the couch, where he gently, too gently even, placed him down.

Carefully, Changbin helped him laying on his stomach, lifting his shirt slightly. “Where does it hurt?” out of reflex he put his hands onto the younger’s slim back. “Right there.” Felix said low and Changbin noticed a dark blue bruise under his fingers when he tenderly caressed over the younger’s smooth skin. So pale, so soft, it felt like brushing his fingertips over the surface of a cloud. He felt the younger’s muscles moving underneath the thin layer of skin when he pressed down slightly, feeling bones as well, so beautiful…

Changbin shook his head, prying his attention back to the younger’s pain, a bruise, still fresh and greenish, turning slowly violet. He frowned, where did that come from?

However, he remembered bitterly how he had dragged him through the forest and all the bushes and thorns, it’s no wonder he had a bruise somewhere. At least he hoped for it to only be a minor one, not an inward that’d kill him. He seriously wanted him to live. “Uhm… There’s a bruise.” He said lowly, actually, he felt embarrassed for treating the boy like this. On the other hand, his mind told him that he was insane and an idiot to think like this, it was him who could decide over the blondie’s life now, he could have killed him, but didn’t. He was grateful after all, right? He saved a life, his life.

“Probably from before.” He heard Felix’s say, there’s a certain trouble in the younger’s voice that worried Changbin. “Yeah, might be. I’ll get you some more painkillers.” He quickly got onto his feet, Felix reminded calm and unmoving, but his eyes followed him.

 

 

Carefully and over-gently rubbing the cream onto Felix’s bruise, Changbin sat on the ground, his hand on the younger’s back, which was still uncovered and Felix was still awfully quiet again. Changbin didn’t understand him, he could talk and talk and talk as if he were a book, but then there were times he went quiet, even if it was just for a minute or a few, the sudden change of emotion and feeling was somehow intense. Every time Felix had some down-phase, Changbin noticed immediately and mentally went down as well. He’d never thought that one boy’s simple change of expression and behaviour would affect him like this…

“Are you done?” Felix’s voice was barely more than a whisper and Changbin nodded, even though he was sure the younger wasn’t able to see him in his current position. He removed his hand, pulling the other’s shirt back over his waist. “Your noodles are cold, you still wanna eat?” Changbin crossed his legs and rested his elbows on his knees, looking up to the struggling blondie, who tried to get into a comfortable sitting-position on the couch as well. “I’m tired.” Felix murmured once he had himself sat down properly, he didn’t look unhappy, he just looked somehow concerned. Changbin was a little taken aback and he lifted his eye brows. “Alright, sleep then…” he swiftly got up, walking over to the table to do the kitchen, but Felix’s voice stopped him from doing so.

“Please stay.”

The tenuous words made Changbin stop for real and he unconsciously turned back, facing the fragile boy that sat on the couch a few metres away from him and feeling his head getting hot all of sudden. He swallowed, stepping forward a bit to stand straight, not lifting his eyes off Felix’s. “You want me to stay?” He was pretty sure he had heard right, yet he couldn’t take up the youngers ask. Apparently, he had never been asked to stay. Felix nodded slowly, his gaze wandering down to his hands and Changbin felt that it embarrassed him. “Ah… it’s okay, you don’t need to…” His voice shook now and Changbin once again wondered what was going on inside the kid’s head. He wanted Changbin to stay, but the same time he didn’t…

“Are you upset?” Felix murmured, barely loud enough for Changbin to hear him and the elder reminded quiet. He wasn’t upset, he was just confused by the blondie’s thinking. Then, Felix jerkily lifted his face, eyes wide. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” “I’ll stay.” Changbin cut off the stammered words, he had enough of this situation. He didn’t like being the one who didn’t understand. “W-what?” Felix resembled a scared, little child when he looked at Changbin again with unbelieving eyes. “You heard me right, I won’t leave you. Don’t worry and go to sleep.” Changbin sounded darker than he wanted to, but it was good. It seemed to have a calming effect on Felix, the elder noticed it as the younger smiled slightly, his eyes still wide and open and Changbin felt so many voices talking to him, yet it was quiet in the room. “Promise?” Felix mouthed and Changbin wanted to roll his eyes, but held back. “Promise!” He replied, smiling, but letting it fall as soon as Felix turned back, letting himself fall down heavily onto the soft couch and closing his eyes. Changbin knew he was awake and heard him clearly and he felt slightly weird, knowing that a kid heard every single move, every breath he did. However, he assumed that Felix would fall asleep soon, he had seemed so tired before.

He slowly took another few steps closer, standing over the kid now and looking down on him, how his eyelids shook slightly when he realized Changbin was very close to him now. Changbin huffed, smiling unconsciously when he put his hand on the blondie’s head, caressing a few bangs out of his beautiful face. “I know you want to stay awake.” He said lowly, making Felix grumbling and opening his eyes again. Such beautiful eyes, how they sparkled like stars and were deep like an ocean and black like pitch when there’s no light shining directly into them. He crouched down. “Be good now and sleep. You’re injured, no wonder you’re tired out.” Felix pulled his hands up to his chest, laying on his side and Changbin felt good in a strange way. He didn’t realize the smile on his face when he stood up again, facing the younger with his back and left.

 

 

It was evening when Felix reopened his eyes, feeling dehydrated and hungry again, but nauseous the same time and he feared he’d throw up. “Hyung…?” he wanted to be loud, but he could barely hear himself when he spoke, his throat was dry and he coughed slightly. ‘ _He’s not coming_.’ It hit him like a bullet, the thoughts of being alone here and he wanted to sit up, but stopped this as well when he realized he couldn’t even move properly now. He felt terrible.

“Hyung…!” he called out a little louder, his voice was still shaky and the fear of him actually not coming made it into his head and he felt his head getting hot. His hands were cold as ice, yet he felt warm, too warm even, sweaty, his body felt heavy and his mind was spinning at the moment. “Please…” he begged, breathing, panting, his head was in a lock, his eyes started to widen.

“I’m here.”

Almost immediately, Felix felt a huge burden being lifted off his body when he heard the familiar voice. He turned his head, just slightly, but it was enough to bring the elder to his view and Felix swallowed dryly. “You don’t feel good?” Changbin asked and Felix shook his head a little. “You don’t look too good either.” Changbin huffed and Felix snored, surprised by himself at how he got a little mad at the words.

“What’s wrong? Are you thirsty again?” He was and Felix wanted to answer him, but couldn’t. He was tongue-tied somehow, his throat ached and so did the back of his head, his forehead, his eyes, he felt as if someone stepped on him. “Here, look.” Changbin seemed to be the light in the darkness, not safe, but good. Felix trusted it, this tempting light, the stranger who he knew nothing about.

His heart was racing inside his tight feeling ribcage, a slight layer of cold sweat covered his forehead. His blonde bangs fell into his big, almond shaped slit-eyes and made him blink. He felt icy cold and burning hot the same time, as if his body was pulling a prank on him. And even worse was the fact that he didn’t know why he suddenly felt like this. He was fine before, right? The words which he wanted to say out loud were stuck inside his throat and everything he managed to squeeze out painfully slow and quiet were whispers for Changbin to help him somehow. He couldn’t bare it, he felt like he wasn’t used to pain at all.

There it was! A glimpse, less then a second, as short as a blink, but it was there. A memory, a picture. How he wore white clothing, bare feet on the semi-hard ground of mattresses and mirrors covering a whole wall in front of him. He remembered it, how he felt light like a feather then, fit, but exhausted the same time. Pictures hung from the walls, fighters and even though Felix forgot their names he knew them. He remembered it so clearly now, he had watched them for so many years. Their faces were burnt into his mind. The mirrors, the trophies on the shelf over the mirror, the faces of the men and him standing there in the middle of the room, alone, in the dojang with his white clothing and his black belt.

He was used to feel pain. Taekwondo, that was it. That’s what he had been doing before, he didn’t know how long, how good he was. However, the thought of his memory slowly returning made him somehow feel better, light, just as light as he had felt in his memory when he had entered his dojang, ready to learn, ready to fight.

“Felix? Hey!”

He opened his eyes jerkily, surprised at Changbin’s suddenly harsh voice. “Don’t pass out on me now!” the elder shook him by his shoulders and Felix felt like puking once again. “Hyung… I…” he stuttered, feeling pressured as he felt his stomach turning. Changbin however, seemed to have understood the situation clearly and grabbed the trashcan, that stood beside the couch on the ground and held it for Felix as the blondie threw up.

He coughed. Changbin was still with him, not moving away even after Felix started chocking disgusting sounds. “There, there…” the elder murmured in a deep voice that was surprisingly calming and Felix felt like breathing again finally when he let himself fall back softly. He was so weak it was embarrassing and he didn’t meet Changbin’s eyes when looked up. The elder’s warm hand caressed his back lovingly, so gentle and calm Felix felt like he was pulled into a dreamland. He suddenly felt good again, as if the pressure and the fear of his unknown panic attack he just had vanished and were replaced by this simple feeling of nothing. He felt light again, not light in sense of falling asleep forcefully, light in sense of relaxed.

“Hey.”

It was enough to drag him back to reality, realizing that he was still there. And Changbin still sat beside him, looking at him, but not in a piercing way. “Are you okay?” he asked and Felix just mutely nodded his head a little, letting his gaze fall aside. “I’m fine.” He paused for a short second before he inhaled once again. “Sorry I-” “Don’t be.” Changbin cut him off abruptly. “Stop it.” Now, Felix dared looking up a little, meeting Changbin’s serious eyes. “Stop apologizing.” He put his hand gently on top of the blondie’s head, his long fingers playing with his shiny hair a little. “Okay.” Felix’s voice was hoarse now, shaky somehow. “You’ll be better soon.” Changbin promised without knowing it his words were true. “I know…” the younger sobbed, his eyes got a little teary, but no tears fell. “It’s just hard.” Admitting things that were true and false the same time. Felix felt ashamed. He felt good and bad the same time because he finally remembered some little thing, but was hurt and didn’t know where. If it was an inward bleeding, he could die every second. However, If Changbin said he was going to be okay, he would be okay. It’s not that he trusted the man fully and completely, but if you’re all alone and there’s only one single person around you, you don’t think about whom you can trust and whom you can’t anymore. No, in a situation like this it didn’t matter how you looked and what language you spoke, you just hang yourself on every little thing that could safe you.

And that’s what Felix did. Not that he had a choice, or at least he told himself he hadn’t. It was just the only option that seemed somehow worth trying. He didn’t want to die already, he couldn’t. There were so many things he wanted to do, many placed he wanted to see and so many people he wanted to meet one last time. It couldn’t be over like that. He just didn’t want to believe that.

“Don’t worry too much.” He stopped his thinking. “Go back to sleep, I’ll stay here.”

Strange, how much he trusted him even though he barely knew him. However, he found himself unable to disobey and closed his eyes tamely, he didn’t feel good, but Changbin made him feel like he was. “Good night.” Felix heard the elder say calmly. “Night.” He didn’t fear that Changbin would leave him alone this time.

 

 

Felix opened his eyes jerkily when his peace got interrupted by a loud knocking on the front door. He felt like he had gone to sleep two minutes ago, unbearably tired and confused and shocked in a way because even if it was only a sound it made his eardrums feel like they’d explode any second. Where’s Changbin? The knocking didn’t stop and Felix felt panic rising inside his suddenly tight feeling ribcage, his lungs aching when he unconsciously stopped breathing. Changbin. He wanted to get up and open the door, he didn’t know why, he just wanted to. Maybe it was a reflex as well, or he just wanted to stop the heavy noise from disturbing the silent. However, he fell down the second his feet touched the ground, it didn’t even hurt that much, he just felt like all energy had left his body, his legs especially and he ended up laying flatly on the ground, groaning. Knocking. He just wanted it to stop. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, he heard the knocking again and again and again, it never stopped. Maybe it was all inside his head.

He didn’t realize he was shaking by now, mouthing quiet begs and soft whispers which nobody heard. Thinking, not thinking. He didn’t know anymore what to do, he couldn’t move, couldn’t think. His mind stopped working. Where was Changbin?

The knocking stopped, but Felix barely realized it. There was a hammering inside his head that didn’t stop.

The bright outside light blended him and he pressed his eyes close, suddenly feeling thirsty again and he saw a pair of shoes standing there. He couldn’t lift his head up higher. He just saw the rather expensive looking shoes, black trousers, but not more. The unknown stepped inside and Felix felt the panic now spreading inside his head, feeling desperate and nervous now. Then, the man stopped and Felix only noticed the man standing right in front of him because he crouched down slowly, or maybe he moved fast and Felix just didn’t register.

“Who are you?”

Felix felt himself shrinking, still not able to move. Then, the man stood up again and Felix literally felt his eyes burning down piercingly on him. The silence was interrupted another time, but this time it made Felix relax a little. Not that he really relaxed, it was as if he could grab a hold of himself again.

“Hyunjin.” It was Changbin.

 

 

 

 


	2. This damn heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin doesn't like Felix.

#  Chapter II

“I don’t know what you think, but this screams for an explanation.” The man, or better the teen that was called Hyunjin seemed rather confused than mad. Changbin had helped Felix onto the couch again, but the blondie was tired from sleeping. He sat straight now, his legs aching dully, but his mind was alright again, as if there’d been a trigger that had been pulled the second, he had heard Changbin’s voice. Hyunjin was tall, taller than Changbin and taller than him. He had short, raven-black hair, smooth and nicely tanned skin, dark eyes and the face of a doll. For short: he was beautiful. He resembled a very pretty woman, just that he was a man.

“Hyunjin…” Changbin spoke up, standing beside Felix. “This is Felix.” He was strangely amazed at how beautiful his name sounded when Changbin spoke. “Aha… and why do you have a disabled kid inside your house?” Felix huffed, this guy annoyed him. “I’m not disabled.” ‘ _Opposite from you_ ’ He bit his tongue to not actually let those words out. Hyunjin didn’t even give him a look, his pitch-black eyes were glued to Changbin. “Why is he here, Hyung?” Felix felt the bitter taste of jealousy as the other called Changbin this way. He didn’t know why, he just didn’t want the tall boy to call Changbin hyung or anything else. Actually, he didn’t even want him to be here. What a nuisance.

“He got hurt and I helped him.” Changbin seemed pressured and embarrassed even and Felix asked himself why. “You helped him? Did you know him before?” To Felix, Hyunjin sounded like an angry girlfriend. “No, I…” Changbin wanted to answer, but his phrase faded away when he looked up and met Hyunjin’s glaring eyes. “Jerk…” Hyunjin muttered, looking away.

“Idiot. Dickhead. Why would you help him, punk…” he turned to Felix, bending over slightly with his arms crossed and Felix felt himself shrinking. He didn’t know one single stare could make him go silent and small like this, but Hyunjin’s eyes were piercing enough to make him break eye contact. “Felix, huh?” The blondie felt anger rising inside his chest. “Must be happy to be alive.” His voice sounded so mucking, but he got a grip on himself before he calmly looked up again, smiling softly. “Yes, _Hyung_ treats me very well.” He wanted to show Hyunjin a cold site of him, after all, he didn’t like him very much. He knew that even if he knew him for only a few minutes by now. Hyunjin huffed, smiling. “You’re really… pretty.” Felix felt his face heating up at those words.

 “Why are you here?” Changbin suddenly seemed annoyed and crossed his arms as well. “I just wanted to check on you, that’s it. After all, you’re using my house as hiding place.” Hyunjin backed away, closing up the short distance between him and Changbin. Felix grumbled inaudibly. He didn’t want them to be close. “And I see you’re fine. So fine you’re even sharing everything I’m giving you with a complete stranger…” he threw a quick glance at Felix. “A waste of time and care, look at him.” It was so humiliating, not being able to respond, not being able to fight back. “One kid less in the world is nothing to worry about. I don’t think I need to tell _you_.”

“You don’t need to tell me because I didn’t ask you. I’m fine, bring some more food next time, okay?” Changbin sounded so hard and cold it was almost scary, yet he was smiling. “I didn’t ask to use your hut, you wanted me to. And I didn’t want to see you today, it was your decision.” Changbin smirked and Felix thought he could see Hyunjin shaking for less than a split second. The taller one’s stare was piercing. “Fine.” Hyunjin finally said, it sounded pressed. “I’ll see you tomorrow…”

Changbin felt bad, talking to the younger like this when he brought him to the door, opening it for him. A few days ago, he had wished for Hyunjin to be with him more than just once a week, but now he wanted him to leave. Actually, he wanted to mind the incident of Hyunjin and Felix meeting. “Jinnie…” he murmured when the tall, young man walked past him, stepping outside as well and closing the door behind him. Hyunjin stood quiet, obviously upset. “Uhm…” he didn’t know what to say. Hyunjin didn’t move for a while, what felt like a painfully long time. Then, he turned his head back, a soft ray of orange glowing sunlight fell over his face from behind him and Changbin swallowed. No matter what, he couldn’t deny the fact that Hyunjin’s aesthetic look was absolutely stunning. So beautiful.

“I haven’t told him yet…” he took a breath and Hyunjin turned fully towards him, his gaze spat mistrust and amusement the same time, but he didn’t speak. “So… I’d be glad if you didn’t tell him.” He knew he sounded like an idiot. Changbin felt awkward as Hyunjin didn’t reply and quickly spoke again. “You’re coming over again, right?” No answer. “How about tomorrow?” He sounded desperate, he knew, he was actually scared Hyunjin would leave now. Forever. “I’ll think about it.” The younger finally said, calm, turning back and disappearing between the trees. Changbin exhaled.

 

 

“Who’s that” Felix asked, biting his lips when the elder walked past him, not looking at him and going straight into another room, letting the door fall shut loudly behind him and Felix jerked. He seemed frustrated and the fact itself frustrated Felix. “Hyung?” he called, hoping for Changbin to come, be calm and care for him. Oh, how he hoped Changbin would stay with him. A second later, the door to the unknown room slammed open again and Changbin wore different clothes, looking stressed. “I’m going out for a bit.” Changbin said, his voice low. Felix looked up from his seat, eyeing the bag Changbin was carrying. “Where are you going?” He asked innocently, hoping for an answer. “I’ll be back at noon.” The elder just replied and Felix felt his shoulders sinking, along with his courage and pride. Why was he ignored all the time? Did he anger Changbin? The door fell shut and Felix was left alone in the darkness of the barely lightened room.

Changbin felt, once again, horrible. He scratched his face when a deep-hanging branch hit him, but he didn’t mind and hurried further through the woods. He knew exactly which way Hyunjin would take. He was after him, yet he didn’t want to face him. He felt embarrassed now, after everything the younger had given him… And now he brought a wounded kid which couldn’t even walk on its own. Pathetic to think he, Changbin the killer, saved a worthless and small life of a boy like this. Wouldn’t it be better if he died? It’d be way easier for Changbin and for Felix and for Hyunjin of course. He stopped, breathing a little heavier and looking at the bag in his hands. Actually, he didn’t even know why he brought that thing along. He wouldn’t go for Hyunjin, no… the younger was probably already on his way home.

Changbin swallowed, thinking about him. Hyunjin had been more a kid than a teen when he had found Changbin, wounded and passed out, laying in the bushes near his house. Of course, Hyunjin had known Changbin from the medias. Nevertheless, he didn’t call the police, or his parents, instead, he brought him to a hut a little deeper in the forest, of which he knew nobody had known. And there he had helped Changbin out of his pitch of misery. He had been a kid, yet Changbin found he had resembled more an adult. Now it was about the direct opposite. Now, Hyunjin acted strangely in his presence, recently, he had started coming more often than once a week to bring him food. He also started coming just for fun, to hang out with Changbin and Hyunjin was also the only company he found somehow bearable. Except for now. Felix seemed to have a strange effect on the other, Changbin didn’t know though if Hyunjin had gotten aggressive or annoyed or just mad. Probably everything. He stopped.

He had left Felix alone with the burden of a bunch of unanswered questions. And the kid was sick. Changbin should have stayed and watched over him. Now, he looked at Felix like a trophy, a diamond. Something that he didn’t want to have scratches and flaws. Of course, his legs were damaged, but Changbin was sure they would work again if Felix just waited. Waiting is hard though, Changbin knew that. And waiting for something to happen that he didn’t know if it even happened was worse. Mind-tearing. Time to go back.

 

 

“Felix?” Changbin asked into the quietness. It was dark and stuffy inside; all the heavy curtains covered the windows. “I’m back.” He shouted a little to make sure the younger would hear him. No reply.

“Hello?” he walked over to the couch. Felix couldn’t have come further than… no, he couldn’t even move.

Felix really laid on the couch, eyes closed and face looking peaceful. Changbin approached him, crouching down next to the couch that he could take a better look at the beautiful teen, that was soundly asleep. ‘Probably, he’s still tired…’ Changbin thought, unconsciously reaching for a bang, that fell into Felix’s face and covered his eyes. He gently caressed it out of his face, resting his hand on the younger’s cheek. ‘So, so beautiful…’ he envied him even. He envied Hyunjin for his beauty and he envied Felix as well. Maybe, Hyunjin was somehow jealous as well…

“What are you doing?”

Felix’s tender voice dragged him out of his thoughts and he lifted his eyes from the ground, holding eye-contact. Felix’s hazel-brown puppy eyes were so deep, Changbin imagined himself sinking into those deep, dark eyes. Everything on Felix seemed perfect, he had a perfect face and a perfect body. “Taking care of you.” Changbin replied to the younger’s question, removing his hand and letting it fall down his side. Felix smiled. “I like that.” ‘He likes that…’ The words echoed in Changbin’s head like bells. ‘He likes that, he likes that.’ He kept on repeating, he didn’t know why those words pleased him so much. He swallowed, suddenly feeling weak and letting his gaze wander aside. “I’m sorry that I left, I shouldn’t have.” Somehow, he didn’t really feel sorry, he just thought he needed to say that. Felix smiled a little wider, his tiny hands reached out. “Can you help me to get up?” Changbin hectically grabbed the younger’s hands and dragged him, with a little too much force, up in a sitting position. “I feel a little better now.” Changbin only nodded. The blondie seemed to have a somehow happy-phase again. And Changbin asked himself when the down-phase would come. “That’s… great.” He murmured, still not looking at him. “Are you hungry again?” He didn’t have that much food anymore. However, he felt as if he could skip a meal for Felix. Just for him. And he would also take care of him and make him feel safe. Things that had never made it into his mind suddenly seemed to dig into his brain now, making him feel… responsible. Felix shook his head and looked aside. “Who was that?”

Changbin swallowed hard at how sad Felix sounded right now. “He helped me when I was in trouble.” Changbin let himself sink down beside Felix, resting his elbows on his knees and not looking at him. “Why were you in trouble?” Felix bend a little forward, looking at Changbin’s face from aside. Changbin exhaled deeply before he turned his face towards the blondie. “Long story. I’ll tell you another time.” He couldn’t tell him. Felix nodded slowly, his eyes wandering to the ground. “But… how long have you known each other?” Changbin asked himself if he was jealous. “Quiet a while.” Felix bit his lip and leaned back again, resting his back comfortable on the rest of the couch.

“I’m cold.” He suddenly muttered, slicing the thick silence between them and Changbin immediately looked up again. “I’ll get you something.” He said and quickly got up, leaving the room. Felix played with his fingers a little. Apparently, he didn’t really feel cold. He just wanted Changbin to do something with or for him. It’s so hard to… resist him.

“There.” Changbin had come back without Felix noticing. He walked around the couch and laid a large hoodie onto Felix’s nap when he stood in front of him, not sitting down. Felix looked up. “I feel sweaty.” What would Changbin do if he annoyed him? Of course, Felix didn’t want to stress the elder, yet he inwardly screamed for his attention. “Can we take a shower?” He wanted to feel warm water and he wanted to be clean again. His skin was sticky and his hair probably fatty. “We?” Changbin pulled up one brow and gave him an unbelieving smile. He inhaled sharply. “Well… if you want that.” He rested his hands on his hips and Felix swallowed. He wanted it.

 

 

Felix ended up sitting in a bathtub, filled with hot water and Changbin sitting next to him, massaging shampoo into his hair. The younger closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of fingers gently, yet strongly pressing down onto his head and the warmth all around him. “Harder please…” he requested and Changbin massaged harder. “You like that?” the elder asked with a smirk. “Yes.” Felix replied, feeling sleepy all of sudden.

“Can you do this on my shoulders as well?” he asked after a while, feeling himself blushing when he realized how much he actually wanted from Changbin. “Spoiled, aren’t you?” The elder didn’t complain though when he started kneading the boy’s shoulders, softly at first, but then he started pressing harder and harder, until he thought he was causing Felix pain, but the blondie stood quiet. “Hyung, what’s your favourite food?” Felix opened his eyes again, biting his under lip. Changbin hesitated a little before he inhaled. “I like Italian food.” He said, stopping his massage on Felix’s back. His fingers hurt.

“What do you do in your free time?” Changbin washed his soapy hands off in the warm water, drying them. “I don’t have a job.” How much could he give price? He shrugged uncomfortably in his seat, getting up and turning his back towards Felix. “Why don’t you have any?” Changbin put on a fake-smile and turned his face back. “I like it better here.” he lied. He was sure Felix noticed, when the blondie just nodded and stared down onto his hands, that were folded on his nap he couldn’t help but follow the younger’s eyes.

He was right. Felix’s body was perfect.

He didn’t notice when Felix lifted his gaze again. “What is it?” He asked and Changbin cleared his throat when he realized he had been staring for too long. “Uhm…” he nervously looked aside. “Can I get out?” Felix switched the subject and Changbin smiled slightly. “You’re full with shampoo, let me help you.”

He felt like handling an angel. So small and vulnerable and delicate, Felix resembled a porcelain doll. Such a pretty, yet mature face. With his freckles and his big doe-eyes, he looked almost more than a woman, than a man. Changbin swallowed once again when he let the water run over the younger one’s head. He looked exhausted somehow, as if he was at the verge of crying and Changbin asked himself what had happened now that made him like this… so down and broken. Nevertheless, he didn’t dare asking.  “You’re clean now.” He shortly said, feeling his own patience running short as well when Felix looked up, shortly meeting the elder’s eyes before he let his gaze fall again and nodded a little.

 

 

When he carefully wrapped Felix in a towel, he felt strange. He felt like he took care of a child. Felix bit his lips from time to time and Changbin noticed that it was his habit. “Are you warm now?” the elder asked and Felix looked up with wide eyes. “Yes… yes.” The kid’s voice faded and Changbin asked himself what was wrong with him. He paused, looking at the younger for a while before he spoke again. “You’re shaking.”

Felix seemed to flinch at Changbin’s words and he looked onto his hands again. They really were trembling. “Hey…” He hushed, laying his hand softly onto his shoulder, but Felix jumped in scare. “No!” he swatted his hand away, leaving Changbin shocked for less than a second. Confusion dimmed his mind and the elder blinked twice before he pulled back, backing off. “Okay…” he huffed and nodded, not looking at Felix. He inhaled, trying to calm down his racing heart that was pounding in excitement. “OKAY!” he shouted, so loud that Felix jumped in his heat when he looked up, his eyes wide and puffy, his expression shocked and his face pale.

“What? I thought you liked me?” he sounded provoking and mocking when he tilted his head, looking at the terrified younger with dead eyes and a piercing stare. Felix seemed to take a breath to speak, but no words came out. He felt heated up now, as if somebody pulled a trigger inside of him. Inside his head. He stomped closer again, not caring about Felix’s slight protest when he grabbed him by his chin, hard, making him look up forcefully. “You don’t?” he heard the younger gulping audibly. “I-I do.” He quickly said, breathing unevenly.

After a while Changbin started smirking. “That hurts.” Felix whimpered quietly and Changbin strangely found it amusing. He let him go though, looking down onto him, how he looked broken and confused and sad onto the ground.

“Sorry.” Felix finally whispered, pulling the towel around his body closer. “Don’t do this again.” Changbin commanded, yet his voice was gentle. “Now let me help you.” He smiled again, Felix didn’t.

 

 

When Felix laid on the couch again, wearing new clothes, Changbin sat on the small table opposite of the window, opposite of the couch. Changbin had opened all blinds and all curtains to let the light shine into the house. It had gotten late, the dark yellow and red sunlight announced that dusk was near. Changbin had taken the bandages off from Felix’s legs, he had said that fresh air would make the wounds heal faster. Felix laid there, thinking, not thinking, sleeping from time to time, but never more than a few minutes. “Hyung?” He felt terrible for his behaviour before. Actually, he didn’t even know what had gotten into him. “Hm?” Changbin was concentrated onto something else, yet he looked up, removing his glasses from his face. “Are you still mad?” He bit his lip.

Changbin turned towards him. “Is there a reason I should be mad?” he asked back and Felix felt his heart sinking. What did he want to hear? “Well… uhm…” he stuttered and shut up fully when Changbin got up from his seat.

He crouched down in front of Felix, laying his hands onto the younger’s knees and Felix unsurely lifted his gaze from his nap. “No.” Changbin’s voice was quiet and calm now and Felix relaxed. “I’m not mad anymore.” He stood up again, patting Felix’s head gently and he looked up, blinking a few bangs out of his eyes. A sudden happiness made it into his heart and filled him up and he smiled widely. “I’m glad!” he cheered, making Changbin frown. The elder huffed, smiling as well. “Alright then.”

Changbin caressed over the back of his head and rested his hand on Felix’s rather broad shoulder. He still looked up, his eyes twinkled and the black haired one swallowed. The responsibility suddenly felt pressuring.

“Can we go out?” Felix had his hands folded in his nap. “It’s already dark outside again, but we can go tomorrow if you’d like to.” Changbin remembered that Hyunjin was probably coming over tomorrow, but he didn’t care too much at that moment. Felix, on the other side, seemed disappointed. “You mean… it’s night?” it was and Changbin nodded. “Hyung… I’m hungry.” He was as well and the elder nodded once again. “Then we’ll eat dinner now. Do you feel tired?” Did he feel sick? Changbin wanted to ask, but bit his tongue when he realized he could make the younger feel uncomfortable. Felix might think that he’d eat too much.

“Rice?” he actually saved his rice for his birthday. He loved rice.

However, when Felix’s eyes started smiling literally and he nodded his head happily, Changbin couldn’t help but give in. Felix’s smile made him… happy.

 

 

Opposite from before, Felix shoved the rice into his mouth and gulped it down as if it was his first meal in days. Well… it was actually. Changbin watched him silently, calmly and slowly eating his own portion. He gave Felix not that much to eat on purpose, he didn’t want the kid to vomit again. He gave him tea that calmed the stomach before, maybe this would work better now. He hoped for it.

Felix finished his dish within minutes, licking his lips once he was done and Changbin swallowed his last bite as well. “Are you full?” He asked, not really caring about the answer. This was all the kid would get tonight, not more, not in his current situation. Nevertheless, Felix nodded, smiling. “Thank you.” He said and Changbin felt his head getting hot. “Welcome.” He muttered, getting up and taking his plate to the kitchen. “Hyung…” Felix’s voice seemed too loud for the silence. Changbin stopped.

“Do you have a family?”

 

 

Felix laid on the couch again, resting his head on the soft pillow underneath him. He had his hands pulled up to his face, laying on his side even though his back ached. He couldn’t sleep anymore, he felt as if he had slept all day, what he actually really had done. He was biting his lip again; his head was too full with thoughts that he didn’t even know what he was thinking about a second ago. He shivered slightly.

Changbin was mad again, he had done something wrong, or better: said something he shouldn’t have. He snuggled deeper into the pillow, remembering how Changbin’s face had suddenly changed and he started growling words at him, things Felix didn’t understand, didn’t even want to understand, but saying ‘sorry’ hadn’t been enough for Changbin. When Felix had reached out for him the elder had grabbed him by his wrist, yanking him forward harshly and throwing him onto the ground, not helping him up anymore and Felix had laboriously managed to somehow drag himself over the ground onto the couch. Changbin had been gone by then and Felix hadn’t seen him again.

He felt useless, like a drag. He wasn’t nothing, he was a burden. He shuddered again, feeling the cold air around him making him tensing his muscles. His teeth were chattering.

“Fool…” He ripped his eyes open widely, lifting his head at the familiar voice. It was Changbin.

“Call me if you’re cold.” The elder threw another blanket over Felix and the younger grabbed it thankfully. “Thank you…” he murmured, avoiding eye contact. “Sorry… for asking…” Changbin exhaled. “Cut it out, I’m not angry anymore.” Again, all the thoughts he had held inside his head before vanished completely and were replaced by the strange, yet strong feeling of happiness. “How do you feel?” It was a normal question and even though his stomach hurt and his shoulders ached and his back was killing him, Felix smiled and nodded. “I’m fine.” He lied. And Changbin noticed immediately.

“Sit up.” He commanded and Felix thought it sounded a little too harsh, but did as he was told to. Tamely, because he knew Changbin liked it when he obeyed him. “Do you want some tea? Painkillers?” He worried about him. Changbin wanted him to be save. Felix shook his head. “Can you stay?” he asked shyly, blinking and looking aside. He felt glad that Changbin came to him again, that he cared, that he gave Felix his attention. Changbin stood quiet and Felix started biting the inside of his lip again. What a dumb question. Changbin wasn’t his babysitter…

“Would you like to sleep in my bed?”

In this moment Felix felt as if a small sparkle of light and hope glowed up inside him. As if the happiness that had started to fill his mind grew more and more and he felt as if he… he just felt an immense amount of a lucky feeling. “Yes!” he almost shouted and Changbin smiled. “I’ll help you.”

 

 

He was gentle with him when he placed the blondie down onto the mattress carefully, treating him like he was made out of glass. “I like that.” Felix sounded so full of happiness that Changbin found it almost sad. Sad, that the kid knew nothing about him and sorry because he felt like he was tricking him somehow. Like, acting as if he was somebody he was not. A killer, that’s what he was, nothing more but a cruel, merciless, heartless killer. Yet he didn’t kill Felix. He pulled the blanket over their bodies, Felix first, of course. “Thank you.” Changbin swallowed. “What for?” he asked, not sure what the younger one was talking about. “For letting me be with you.” It almost sounded like a proposal and all of sudden Changbin wondered if there was something Felix felt for him.

No, that wasn’t possible. Nobody would feel something for somebody who hurt him and yelled at him, right?

“Well… welcome.” He didn’t know what to answer. Felix huffed beside him, turning his body towards Changbin and even though it was dark, when Changbin turned his head to face the younger he was sure he could see him smiling warmly at him. “What is it?” It was his turn to ask now. Felix shrugged and moved a little close. “I just like being with you.” He honestly answered and Changbin gulped again when he felt the kid’s slender arms softly wrapping around his left arm. ‘I like you too…’ he wanted to reply, but his pride kept him from doing so. He didn’t know what strange power Felix possessed to make him feel this way. Changbin was… addicted.

He felt Felix moving on top of him, slinging his lean arms tightly around Changbin’s muscular chest as he quietly laid on the bed, feeling the air getting pressed out of his lungs painfully, yet he didn’t stop the younger. Something inside of him felt as if he shouldn’t and he also didn’t want to harm the blondie. “I want you.” Felix murmured next to Changbin’s ear and Changbin shuddered when he felt the younger’s breath ghosting over his face. Sighing, he brought his own arms around the teen’s slender waist, turning aside and letting him slide down on him, but not letting him go. He felt something he hadn’t felt in a very long time: save. He trusted this boy and he didn’t want him to leave him somehow. “And you want me too, right?” ‘Right?’ Changbin didn’t have an answer. Actually, he was ready, just seeing Felix like this made him imagine things he did never dare to think of, how willing Felix was to give himself in. However, his brain screamed against his heart, screamed for him to stop and finally open his eyes and realize that Felix was nothing more than a small, little nothing that made his life a hundred times more complicated than it already was. Though, as the younger pressed himself against him, snuggling his face to Changbin’s neck, the elder knew that he wouldn’t be able to just abandon Felix. No, he wouldn’t. Felix would stay with him forever, even if that meant he needed to lock him downstairs inside his small basement, he wouldn’t let this boy, that had wrapped Changbin around his tiny finger, escape. “Let’s sleep.” He whispered, inhaling Felix’s sweet, masculine scent. Felix seemed satisfied however with the little nothing he got, letting himself slide further away from Changbin. He grabbed him though, pulling the younger closer again, so close their bodies touched and he felt Felix holding his breath. “Who said you could leave?” he smirked in the darkness of the room and Felix huffed in response. “So, you do want me!” the younger shouted quietly and Changbin jerked his shoulders. “Yeah, I do, so sleep.”

 

 

The next morning Changbin woke up when his alarm clock started ringing. He jerked, waking up Felix, who still laid beside him, naked and his arms tangled with Changbin’s. “Hm…” he blinked, but kept his eyes shut and let himself fall back onto the mattress when Changbin switched the loud, ear-penetrating sound off. However, Changbin was wide awake. He rarely set up an alarm, but today he did. Because Hyunjin would come. He threw the blanket over Felix and got up almost too quick. “Where are you going?” He stopped at the younger one’s fragile and hoarse morning-voice. He didn’t look at him. “Out.” He just replied, opening the closet opposite of him and taking out some fresh clothes.

“I wanna come with you.” Felix’s voice was barely more than a whisper, yet Changbin heard it clearly. He turned around, his silhouette was pitch-black from the light, that came from outside and shone from behind him. “Come with me? Can you walk?” Felix felt his heart beating a little bit faster and he had to supress a smile. “Yes.” Actually, he couldn’t. However, as long as he could be with Changbin he was happy. He’d manage somehow, he didn’t know how yet.

 

 

Changbin ended up carrying Felix anyway. And dude, did he forget how heavy the teen was…

“Hyung, where are we going?” Felix had his arms laid carefully around Changbin’s neck and shoulders, pinching him when he spoke. “I’ll show you something nice…” Changbin promised, smiling to himself. “What is it?” the younger one hopped around on his back and he grunted. “You’ll see…” he huffed, feeling the pressure of the others weight. “You’ll love it.” Felix seemed excited, laying his chin onto Changbin’s shoulder. It was uncomfortable for the younger, yet he stood like this. He didn’t know what it was, but something attracted him to Changbin. So hard he had no words almost. He couldn’t describe what he felt, it was just overwhelming. “Hyung…” Felix loved calling him like this. “Yes?” just a simple answer already made his heart jump in joy.

“I like you.”

Changbin didn’t reply for some time and Felix wondered if the elder was annoyed by that, but then he spoke. “I like you too.” He laughed, he sounded nervous. Felix bit his lip, then smiled as well even though he knew the elder couldn’t see him. “I really like you.” He repeated. “You sure do.” Changbin seemed happy and it made Felix happy as well. Felix didn’t know what to say, yet he wanted to tell Changbin so many things he almost couldn’t count them anymore. “Why don’t you have pets?” he asked, feeling excitement welling up inside him when he realized how close they were. He literally sat on him…

“Oh well, I don’t really know. Want one?” Changbin was joking, but Felix felt his face getting hot. “I want a dog.” He said, moving and making Changbin groaning when the weight shifted on his back. “I’ll get you one later.” The elder pressed out. “Really?” Felix found it amusing. “Promise.” Changbin replied, rolling his eyes and Felix slung his arms tighter around him. “Thank you!” from behind he pressed a short peck to Changbin’s cheek, making the elder one jerk slightly.

What? Changbin felt his heart starting to beat unevenly. What was that? He walked on, ignoring Felix, who laid his head onto his shoulder again. ‘What about Hyunjin?’ his mind screamed. It’s not that he didn’t enjoy the feeling of being loved… it’s just that he was not supposed to think this way, apparently, he was not even allowed. Hyunjin, he was there as well and Felix had no right to take his place. Right?

Changbin stopped and for the first time, Felix looked up, taking his eyes off Changbin’s face and paying his attention to the place, where they were. It was a small glade, trees all around them, but it was clear here. It was a cool autumn day, the leaves of the trees here had turned their colours from green to a bright yellow, brown, red even and dark green. The forest floor was covered with golden leaves and Felix started whipping a little on Changbin’s back when the elder stayed quiet. “I’ll leave you here and get something done. It won’t take too long.” The elder spoke up, making Felix bite his lips in disapproval. “Stay, okay?” Changbin turned his head aside, even though he couldn’t see Felix face. He was sure the younger was not okay.

“Look.” Changbin bent over and took out a blanket from the rucksack he was carrying in front of his body. “I’ll leave you here for a while.” He let the younger slide down his back and Felix fell down heavily onto the blanket. “It’s boring without you.” Felix looked up and Changbin felt himself getting soft. Then, he got angry at the younger for making him feel like this. “I got you a book.” He wanted to give it back to Hyunjin today actually, but he didn’t want Felix to act like a kid. “When will you come back?” he asked, looking down onto the book. “Soon, I promise.” Changbin ruffled the blondie’s hair a little before he turned around.

“Are you hungry?” Changbin stopped, turning back. “Yes.” Felix seemed unhappy. “I’ll get you something yummy.” He smiled, Felix didn’t.

 

 

Changbin was full of energy when he walked the familiar path, which he knew led to Hyunjin. He just knew the younger was there, at the certain place in the forest where they’d meet when Hyunjin hadn’t got much enough time to walk all the way through the forest to Changbin’s hut.

He was panting slightly after a while walking fast like this, but he didn’t stop. Hyunjin was on his mind, filling his head. It was as if he had left the thought of Felix as well where he had left the kid himself. He hopped over a fallen tree, feeling adrenaline rushing through his body. He had never felt somehow more excited than now, also never more scared actually.

When he arrived at the other side of the shore of the lake, he was panting. Resting his hands on his knees, he closed his eyes. Then, he straightened up again, checking his surroundings. Where was Hyunjin? Changbin scoffed. The younger wasn’t here…

He turned around again, slightly frustrated, ready to go back to his house to see if the younger one was there. However, he stopped.

“I’m here.”

Changbin turned on his heels, looking straight up into Hyunjin’s black eyes. He sighed, letting the younger one slide his arms around his neck and pull himself closer. “I thought you wouldn’t come anymore… what took you so long?” Hyunjin whispered into Changbin’s ear and the elder swallowed audibly. “You know… Felix.” He explained. Hyunjin sighed and cut him off, letting his arms fall down and stepping back a little. “Again… why is he with you?” he sounded annoyed and Changbin understood him. “I saved him and now I take care of him until he can walk by himself again.” “To kill him.” Hyunjin finished for him sharply. “No!” the elder shouted, crossing his arms. “And what would you do with him then?” It was as if he didn’t want to understand. Did he play dumb or did he just not want to accept?

“I didn’t come here to fight with you.” Changbin tried to speak as calm as possible. “If you plan on being rude here, I’ll leave.” He said casually, turning around again and facing the younger one with his back.

However, he felt a pair or strong arms wrapping around his torso. “No, wait.” Now, it was Hyunjin who sounded desperate. “I didn’t mean to.” He was turned back again, but avoided eye-contact. “I just… want to know who he is.” Hyunjin looked aside as well, slowly letting go of Changbin, who lifted his face again. “He’s no one.” He lied. “He’s a good kid, though. He obeys me and he follows everything I say.”

Hyunjin huffed, crossing his arms as well. “Is that so? What did you make him do then?” Changbin was a little taken aback by the question, yet he gave his best to stay calm. “Nothing, really.” He promised, biting his lip. “Nothing…” the younger one murmured and exhaled sharply. “And what are you going to do about him? Let him free, so he can call the cops on you?” Hyunjin was right, Changbin had to admit that. Nevertheless, he didn’t give up. “He’s got a memory lapse.” He said quickly and Hyunjin pulled up one brow. “Ah…” It was as if he didn’t believe anything Changbin said about Felix. The black-haired teen probably looked at Felix like a threat. Someone strange. Who would trust a stranger? Changbin gulped down the knot inside his throat. Felix did.

Hyunjin stepped back a little. “Keeping a brat as pet… idiot.” He muttered, turning his back towards Changbin and grabbing the hem of his pullover, pulling it over his head and throwing it onto the dry stones near the lake.

“So… are we doing it now, or not?” Hyunjin finally asked, looking up straight and taking Changbin once more aback. “You mean… now? Here?” He felt his palms getting sweaty. “It’s not that anyone’s here.” Hyunjin jerked his shoulder and smiled, more smirked, and Changbin hummed in response. He felt bad actually, Felix filled his mind all of sudden. It was different now, it felt as if he betrayed him. Strangely, he hadn’t felt this way about Hyunjin, when he took care of Felix.

Shaking his head, he woke himself up a little, stepping closer to the younger and taking his hand. “I love you.” Hyunjin murmured quietly and Changbin smiled. “I love you too.” He lied again. Hyunjin leaned down a little, letting his hot, moisty breath ghost over Changbin’s neck. “And I’m sure you know… you can’t abandon me.”

It sounded like a threat, but Changbin didn’t mind. Hyunjin was right, he couldn’t abandon him. Not because he was scared that the younger one would betray and reveal him, but because he simply didn’t want to renounce on Hyunjin’s presence. Hyunjin had been his everything. And now, Felix was on his side, just with the problem that Hyunjin was not really cool with sharing. And neither was Felix. At least it seemed like it. However, when Changbin felt Hyunjin slipping his hands underneath his shirt and made him shiver in coldness and the sensation of adrenaline, he thought that maybe he could bring Felix to make friends with the black-haired teen. It’s not that they were different… they were both puppets. His puppets and he was the puppeteer. Hyunjin pressed a kiss to his neck, which he barely felt as he was completely sunken in his thoughts. Unconsciously, Changbin started smirking. He had them in his hands. He could control them easily if he wanted to.

“Hyung…” Hyunjin’s tender voice made him jerk slightly when he was teared out of his dreamland. “Don’t you enjoy it?” All of sudden, the younger one seemed unsure and not even nearly as confident as before. Changbin smiled. “I do…” he replied, grabbing the other by his skinny waist and pulling him towards him again, letting one leg slip in between Hyunjin’s and the younger one groaned. “Get down already!” He seemed impatient, but Changbin followed as he said, feeling burning hot and icy cold the same time when he found himself melting into Hyunjin almost.

Felix still filled his mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

##  Preview Chapter III

Felix laboriously dragged himself over a fallen tree, holding himself up on a branch. It was so exhausting that he thought he was able to see stars for a split second, then he let himself fall down the trunk, hitting the uneven and uncomfortable forest floor on the other side. He was panting by now, rolling on his back, his legs still laying unmoving on the fallen pine tree. He looked up, pressing his eyes together as the bright and orange dusk-light met them harshly. He laid his hand onto his forehead, feeling the pain inside his legs growing and growing, until it was unbearable. Until the agony and the desperation forced tears into his eyes.

He had never thought that a sunset would last this short. He blinked from time to time, realizing how lost he actually way. There’s no one here, nobody would hear him if he screamed and nobody would find him here and save him.

Do you ever just carve someone’s presence? Like, you would literally be happy to just sitting next to him? Felix swallowed. It could be completely silent and it would just be perfect. However, Changbin, who he carved so much after he left him, was not here. And to add, it was _him_ who had left Changbin.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Into the woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Running away was the worst idea Felix ever had

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I hope you like this one:)   
> Warning!! Violence!! 
> 
> spotify:user:j235bahe1j4vy6wp0qqcxe3ls:playlist:1K43yYbxn4hLL3Tcf3235G  
> I created a playlist on Spotify:) It's called "After the rain", just as the story. I loved listening to those songs while writing, and I believe it's pretty chill and nice to have some wonderful background music playing. To activate the link, you need to download Spotify on your phone/computer (for free if you don't want to pay), and copy the link into the search field above in google, then you'll be asked to switch to the app and then you can listen to it:) Hope you like the music!!

#  Chapter III

Changbin was panting and so was Hyunjin. The younger one rolled aside, laying his hand onto his forehead. He was feverishly hot, sweating coldly. “I didn’t think…” he breathed heavily. “Bottoming would be fun.” Changbin laughed huffily, sitting up and grabbing his shirt, which laid next to him on the ground. “You’re going already?” Hyunjin asked unbelievingly, there’s a desperately sad tone in his voice that made the elder stop his movements and feel guilty. “You know…” Changbin started, he didn’t even know what to say. “That boy.” Hyunjin cut him off, or better: finished for him. The older one swallowed audibly and Hyunjin looked aside, sighing and exhaling loudly.

“If he doesn’t leave on his own, I swear, I’ll turn into a murderer as well.” Hyunjin murmured, but Changbin heard him. Almost too sudden, he let himself sink down, cowering in front of the younger one and grabbing him by his broad shoulders. “You won’t touch him.” He gave his best to look intimidating. Hyunjin knew this gaze, how the elder’s eyes changed when he got furious, but he didn’t feel threatened at all. However, he looked up, surprised when he felt Changbin’s hand on his face, softly cupping his cheek and turning his face towards him.

“He’s mine…” Changbin growled lowly, curling his finger and digging his nails into the younger one’s soft skin. “Just like you are mine as well.” He stared into his eyes, Hyunjin didn’t move. Actually, he didn’t even know if he should feel angered or confused or sad.

That’s how it is, with the humans. We understand the dead better than the living.

“If he’s yours, then he’s just as mine.” Hyunjin dared to say, looking up with slightly wide eyes. Changbin froze, waiting. Thinking. Not thinking. Hyunjin swallowed the knot inside his throat down, feeling his skin burning.

Changbin huffed, smirking slightly. “That’s how you play, huh?” He got up and Hyunjin’s eyes followed him. “Wait!” He got up as well, grabbing the elder’s skinny upper arm and pulling him back. “Where’s he?” he didn’t know why he asked, he just talked. Anything to make Changbin stop. “You don’t need to know.” The elder murmured, ripping himself free easily. Hyunjin felt his head getting red. “Is he… precious to you?”

Changbin felt how the atmosphere grew thick and heavy around them. One second, he could forget about all his worries and about all the thoughts and unanswered questions that were flying around inside his head, and one moment later it was back to normal. Hyunjin pressured him. The younger one’s _feelings_ pressured him. “You look sick. Have you got a fever?” He didn’t know what to say, or do, so he changed the subject. Hyunjin’s hard expression softened up, his eyes were sparkling again.

“Yeah…” he murmured, sighing. “I came here to spend time with you. Now, you ditch me because of that barbie.” He crossed his arms, looking aside and Changbin swallowed. “I don’t ditch you.” He gently put his hands onto the younger one’s shoulders. “Hey…” he cupped the black haired one’s face with one hand, turning his face back towards him, seeing his reflection in those deep, black eyes. “It feels like it though…” Hyunjin huffed, letting himself being pulled towards the elder. Skinny arms slung around his tall, but petit body, trapping him. “Nobody’s gonna take us apart.” Changbin’s voice was low when he caressed over Hyunjin’s head, feeling the lissom, curly hair under his fingers and he played with it a little. How he loved him…

“Felix already did.” Hyunjin rested his chin on Changbin’s shoulder now, talking into the elder’s pullover, his voice muffed. “No.” He didn’t even know how to explain. Hyunjin was probably right, but Changbin couldn’t give the younger one the feeling of being left alone. He didn’t expect of Hyunjin to take this. No, not him. At this point, Changbin was sure he’d break him if he did, he’d shatter Hyunjin completely and he wanted to mind that. He was actually dependent on the younger one. Not only that, Hyunjin already had no one except for him, and knowing him now for years, Changbin just didn’t want to give Hyunjin away. It wasn’t that easy as it sounded. Changbin was a cold-hearted, brute killer who had no guilt and no feelings at all, yet Hyunjin made it different. Hyunjin had made him _Changbin_. The one he was today.

“I can get you something, a tea, if you’d want that.” Changbin offered, taking Hyunjin’s hand. The younger one smiled shortly, nodding. “I’ll wait at the other side of the shore for you.” He said, squeezing Changbin’s hand slightly. “Right over there.” He pointed his free hand. Changbin exhaled sharply, suspecting something bad to happen anyways. Felix was somewhere in the forest and so was Hyunjin, would the black-haired go for the younger one?

Shaking the bad thoughts out of his mind, Changbin just smiled softly, avoiding eye-contact. “Fine… But it will take a while.” He gasped in surprise when Hyunjin grabbed him by his shoulders, pulling him forward a little too harshly and pressing the smaller body to his chest. “Thank you!” He cheered, pressing the elder even closer, until he felt uncomfortable even. “We-welcome…” he pressed out, feeling the younger one’s heartbeat thudding softly inside his chest.

 

 

Once Changbin disappeared between the woods, Hyunjin’s smile fell. He didn’t think that acting was this hard. Turning on his heels, he started walking, or better jogging. He didn’t head for the other side of the shore though, he had other plans and only little time to find _him_ , Felix. A gruesome thought had made it into his mind and he just couldn’t get rid of it ever since he had it. It had come the other day already, when he had had his first encounter with the blondie.

And he had hated him from the second he first had seen him. Jealousy blurred his vision. Why would that pretty, blonde foreigner with freckles and big eyes sit on Changbin’s, _his Changbin’s_ , couch? He was a danger, not only because he could easily spill their secret and betray the murderer and Hyunjin, he was able to take the elder away from him and he wanted to prevent that. And he would prevent it as long as he still could. Now.

Changbin might think he was dumb, but he knew exactly where he needed to go. Same as Changbin, Hyunjin knew the forest so good he would find even one single, little boy easily when he needed to. And now, it was an absolute emergency. Because right now, he could let Felix disappear without Changbin noticing. Since the elder didn’t know that Hyunjin knew his way around in the forest.

Meadow.

That’s what had first popped into his mind when Changbin had told him he had brought the kid outside for a while. It was late autumn, Felix wouldn’t catch a cold if he stood outside for an hour. He wouldn’t die of a disease either and he wouldn’t freeze and he wouldn’t drown. Maybe, if Hyunjin helped it a little, Felix would… maybe he could lure him to the lake and then do it. Or, he could poison food and feed it to him. Or strangulate him. However, then Changbin would know what had happened and who did it and Hyunjin would need an excuse. He had no experience in killing, he wasn’t like that, but Felix needed to disappear. And Hyunjin had never felt the urge to murder more than he did now.

He reached the place he was searching for faster than he actually thought. And he the boy, sitting tamely on the ground in the grass came to his eyes, which sparkled in murder lust. Oh, how he wanted to just grab him and send him somewhere far, far away. He stopped, biting his lips as an idea popped into his mind, a pretty good one even. Smirking, he crouched down, observing how the boy was reading a book. He looked skinny. Skinny and pretty, too beautiful for Hyunjin’s liking and as the sunrays fell through the trees onto him, his golden hair shone like fire.

Hyunjin hated this kid.

Then, he decided, standing up properly and whistling, making Felix look up with wide eyes from where he sat. When Hyunjin stepped out of the bushes and onto the clearing, he noticed how Felix’s eyes started wandering, probably searching for Changbin. Hyunjin smirked. ‘Changbin is not coming for you today.’ He thought, satisfied when he stood over younger one, who looked up to him.

“Hey!” Hyunjin felt the other’s confusedness almost when he bent over, resting his hands on his knees. Felix’s eyes were brighter than his, honey brown almost. “Where’s Changbin Hyung?” Felix didn’t even greet him, his face was hard, even though Hyunjin expected it to be soft and probably filled with fear.

No, Felix didn’t know what Hyunjin was thinking, how could he? He even called Changbin ‘ _Hyung_ ’ what somehow upset the black-haired. “He’s left.” He simply answered, standing straight again and looking aside arrogantly. “He didn’t want you anymore.”

Felix swallowed. What was that guy talking about? “Who are you again?” He asked, feeling anger rising inside his chest along with fear. Changbin wouldn’t really have brought him here to rot, right?

Hyunjin exhaled audibly, crossing his arms. “Oh my, how could you forget, little one?” He roughly ruffled Felix hair, tousling the golden hair and only stopping when Felix swatted his hand away. “Don’t touch me!” the younger shouted loudly and grabbed onto Hyunjin’s thin wrist, holding him firmly and surprisingly strong. ‘ _He’s tough…_ ’ Hyunjin thought with a rush of respect. “Look, who’s talking big!” laboriously, the older one ripped himself free. He would definitely kill this… rat.

“Where’s Changbin-” Felix started again, but Hyunjin cut him off sharply. “He’s _left_ you! And I’m saving you by the way, so show some respect!” Now, Hyunjin crouched down, making him jump in surprise when he suddenly grabbed Felix by his lean shoulders. “You don’t know who this is. You know nothing at all, how can you feel so safe?” Felix’s face grew pale all of sudden, he didn’t respond to that. Hyunjin changed tactics and set up a fake-worried face, his face which he knew could trick everyone. Absolutely everyone, even Changbin. “What do you mean?” Felix unsure murmuring teared him back to reality and he realized he had only little time left to fulfil his plan.

“He’s living hidden because he’s a very bad person, you know. And you’re absolutely nothing to him, so make your decision!” Hyunjin gave Felix’s bony shoulders a squeeze before he let him go again.

“W-what decision?”

Hyunjin smirked when Felix took it. He stood up again. “Either stay and wait for his return, which won’t happen by the way, or you can find your way out of the forest. Just follow the trees with the red marking, look.” He pointed to one tree, marked with the red line. He knew those trees would lead him further into the forest, so far that Felix needed to drag himself through the whole forest if he wanted to reach the city. Or better, the little village, that waited at the end of the path. It’s not that Felix was able to reach the end… And it was not that Changbin would find him like this.

“You mean…” Felix looked down on himself, eyes stopping on his legs and only now Hyunjin realized that there was something wrong with them. “You can do it, it’s not that far!” He didn’t really care when he smiled again, knowing that he had wrapped the boy around his finger. Felix really had something attractive. Either it was his tameness or his temper. Or his looks of course, Hyunjin couldn’t deny that he had felt attacked when he had first seen him. He _really_ was a threat.

“I’ll go my way, hurry if you want to reach the city before dawn comes!” Fascinating, how easily he could manipulate Felix’s mind, how easily he followed what he was told to and how easily he obeyed. Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel a little thing tearing on his conscience. He would have made a nice boyfriend.

 

 

“Where have you been?” Changbin was waiting for him, the cold cup of tea in his hands. Hyunjin jerked his shoulders. “Taking a piss.” He murmured, sitting down beside Changbin and taking the cup. “Of course.” Changbin huffed, folding his hands. He had noticed. Hyunjin took a sip, frowning at the awful taste. “What’s that?” He had trouble not spitting it out. “It’s just tea _without_ sugar, idiot!” Changbin patted the back of his head and couldn’t help laughing a little at the younger one’s expression. “So, what were you _really_ doing?” Changbin looked straight again, putting his hands into the pocket of his hoodie. Hyunjin almost coughed. “What do you mean?” he forced himself to keep an innocent face, but the second his eyes met Changbin’s, he knew it was over.

“You’ve been searching for Felix, haven’t you?” Hyunjin was sure he had never felt scared around Changbin, but the look the elder gave him right now sent shivers down his spine and he gulped thickly. “K-kind of…” he didn’t know what to say. Changbin sighed, closing his eyes. “I told you not to.” His voice sounded hard as stone and Hyunjin winced. All of sudden, he felt bad for going against Changbin. Not because he literally sent Felix to his death probably, but because he betrayed the elder as well.

“Are you angry now?”

Hyunjin’s voice was shaky, but he didn’t mind. If he sounded scared, Changbin might not be mad with him. The older one stood up, Hyunjin’s eyes following him, turning towards him.

“I forgive you when I can find him.” His voice was strangely calm and Hyunjin felt his face getting hot. He really wanted to find that brat so badly? “And you can make up for it.” Now, the younger one looked up confusedly. “How?” he wanted to know, on the other side he was scared it was something that he couldn’t do.

“Let’s meet again tonight.”

 

 

Dawn came much too fast, along with the heavy fog, that hovered over the sky and over the ground, fogging his view. Felix curled himself up, inhaling sharply when he moving in a way he shouldn’t have and his legs shot a piercing pain through his whole body. Huffing, he stretched them out, trembling slightly from coldness. He completely forgot about that, otherwise he would have brought a jacket or a blanket.

Nonsense. In the morning he didn’t even know yet what he was doing. Nevertheless, there he was. He was dirty, his clothes were wet and he was cold. And he was alone. Again. Why did Changbin leave him? Why did he run away? Letting his head fall back and hit the tree trunk behind him, Felix sighed, his teeth chattered slightly. He felt like crying. However, he didn’t. There’s always hope, this too, was to pass. Nothing was impossible, he had a chance, even if it was just a little one. He wanted to grasp it so badly…

He felt like he had been dragging himself over the dirty ground like this for hours. His upper arms felt like gummy by now and his palms were scratched open and sore. Of course, he hadn’t taken the way Hyunjin had told him. He would have been dumb if he did. He didn’t know whom he could trust except for Changbin and he didn’t like Hyunjin a bit. Instead of following the red marks on the trees, he did the exact opposite. He followed them in the other direction where Hyunjin hadn’t wanted him to go. However, now, that it was dark and cold and he was dirty and his clothes were soaked he wasn’t sure anymore if he should have trusted the older one, or better, if he should have taken the way he had told him to. Felix’s hand slipped and he felt himself falling, sliding down a little hill, mud and dirt and leaves sticking to his skin.

Hours passed.

He felt dead by now, his arms, his mind, his hands, his legs. He couldn’t even tell what hurt and what didn’t. And the fact that he was constantly thinking of someone made the situation he was in even worse. It’s not that he’s thinking of Changbin constantly, but he couldn’t deny the fact that each time his mind wandered, it always found some way back to him.

Why did he do that? What if Changbin found him now? What did Hyunjin mean when he said that Changbin wasn’t a good person? Questions inside his head bombed Felix from the inside and he was starting to give it up as he could barely see anymore. He couldn’t recognize the markings on the trees anymore.

He knew he shouldn’t be jealous. Changbin wasn’t even his. However, Hyunjin made him angry somehow, triggering hate and disappointment inside him. If only he could walk and use his legs. He was almost certain that he was stronger than Hyunjin, he had the technique and the strength to bring him down in necessary. He could easily scare him away, Hyunjin wasn’t that though. At least, he didn’t seem like it.

Crap. He was thinking crap right now and he felt bad as he realized it. He wouldn’t have a chance to steal Changbin away from Hyunjin because he wasn’t going back. He would probably never meet the elder again. It tugged on his heart.

More time passed.

He didn’t even know if he came far or not, he didn’t know if he was moving fast of slow. Time passed, but it passed so slow he had the feeling the night lasted forever.

 

 

Lights.

Felix didn’t know he could ever feel this amount of happiness in a situation like this.

He grabbed onto the ground in front of him, digging his bony fingers into the dirt, feeling the sand and stones making their way under his aching nails and laboriously dragging himself further, towards the light, towards the hope, that waited for him there.

It was there, right in front of him. He did it, made it out of the forest _alive_. Huffing, panting and sweating. He didn’t care anymore how he looked, who he was. He just knew one thing: he needed to get out of here. And the hope that he finally escaped this… what ever it was, made him feel alive again.

The next second, he felt the hope fading. So fast, he felt himself getting ripped down into the darkness of a deep hole.

“ _Look who’s made it far_.”

Felix turned his head, face paling and pulse starting to go faster and faster as he recognized the familiar voice. It was Changbin.

The elder stood a few metres away from him, arms crossed. A shadow had fallen over his face and hid it and Felix wasn’t even sure if he wanted to see this face the elder made right now. “H-Hyung…” He stammered out, embarrassed now that he ran away and scared of Changbin killing him right now, right here. He was petrified, he feared death. To make it even worse, he felt himself unable to move as Changbin stepped closer, crouching down next to him. “It’s the city! You reached it all by yourself.” He cheered and he didn’t sound angry at all, what somehow confused and scared Felix the same time. “Why aren’t you saying anything? Aren’t you happy that I’m here?”

Felix bit his bottom lip when Changbin lifted his hand up to his head, caressing over Felix’s golden blonde hair. He couldn’t control his thoughts anymore, he couldn’t control the tears, that suddenly made their way up to Felix’s eyes and blurred his already vague sight.

“Too bad…” Changbin leaned closer a little and Felix held his breath, feeling his hands starting to tremble. “It was for no avail.”

Felix screamed as the elder suddenly grabbed a bundle of his hair, tugging him backwards and making his back arch in the most uncomfortable way possible. “No, no! NO!” His voice got louder and his brain seemed to pressure his head so hard he feared he would explode any second. ‘ _Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me!_ ’ he kept on repeating inwardly, but everything that came out of his mouth was a shrill and terrified yell that more and more turned into a suffocated gargle.

Only now he realized he couldn’t breathe.

Felix grabbed for Changbin’s strong hands on his throat, feeling sense and consciousness leaving his body painfully slow. “Stop… please-” he couldn’t finish as his air got cut off fully and he let his dirty, small and weak hands fall to the ground, his body slacking with his mind somewhere else, but his eyes open.

Only then, when Felix had completely quiet down, Changbin let go, letting the lifeless body fall face-forward onto the ground. Grumbling, he grabbed the boy by his much too skinny upper arms, turning him onto his back a little too harsh. “You…” he growled, even though he was sure Felix wasn’t able to hear him. Quickly, he pressed one hand to his neck, checking if there was a pulse. He paused, exhaling. Changbin didn’t know if he cared or not if the blondie was alive or dead, but he felt a little released when he felt the blood pumping through the kid’s veins. Felix was still with him.

He took him by his wrists, pulling the unconscious into a sitting position, before he slung his arms around Felix’s thighs and lifted him over his shoulders. Why did he run away? Changbin grunted when he started walking back. Home. The question as to why the kid escaped didn’t leave his mind, even though he already knew it must have been Hyunjin’s doing. Crap. He kicked over a little branch, that laid in his way. Don’t humans naturally do what they’re told to?

However, he remembered that he had never told Hyunjin to _not_ meet Felix. It was his own mistake probably. And then, he started thinking of what to do with Felix now. Should he lock him somewhere and keep him? Or kill him even?

No. He didn’t chase for the blondie to just kill him. Normally, he wouldn’t even think twice and murder whoever saw his face. Nevertheless, Felix was just different. The teen made him feel strange in a good way, as if he was something like a ruler. Because the younger one adored him even though he did nothing at all.

He ran away _again_. And this time, he almost succeeded. Changbin bit his bottom lip, wanting to shout in anger. Who even did he think he is, that brat. Trying to run off, as if _could_. Nobody’s getting away from _Seo Changbin_. Nobody. Ever.

He thought about this moment many times already, but he had never expected that he’d really find himself in a wicked situation like this. He could be with Felix forever, actually, he liked the idea of the younger one staying with him even. He could lock him and keep him all for himself, all this beauty and innocence. It was all his, he just needed to grasp it. Speaking of, he felt the blondie shifting on his shoulder, but he ignored him. He dug his fingertips a little deeper into the soft skin of Felix’s legs, where he held him tightly, so he wouldn’t fall. The boy was like a flower to him. A flower he found by chance and saved even, made it survive even though it was close to death, took care of it, watered it until it was almost fine again. And _where’s_ the thankfulness? Changbin could have just left him there, when he found him. Then, Felix would have died from his injuries, maybe suffocated from the gasoline and the smoke, or he might have been burned down until his flesh was all black and dry, until only his bones where the simple left-overs from his past life.

Changbin saved him and Felix didn’t care, thought it was a common and naturally normal thing to do, but it was not. In the world, where they lived, it was not. The kid didn’t even know what Changbin had done to _save_ him. To save him from death, from Hyunjin, from himself even. He was able to hold back up until now, he wasn’t sure if he could take it now. Now, that their whole relationship would probably change forever.

Maybe, if he was careful, he could manage to turn their relationship into something else, something good even. He didn’t want to force himself on Felix, yet he wanted him to belong to him fully. Would he shatter the blondie, when he tried to manipulate him? Would the boy break? Changbin sighed, throwing the younger one up his shoulders when he slipped down slightly. He would just bring him home first, then he’d decide what he should do with him.

 

 

‘ _I’m not dead, I’m not dead…_ ’ Felix didn’t even realize he was thinking. He had his eyes opened slightly, but he couldn’t see. There was a cloud that hung heavily over his sight and he felt a terribly uncomfortable weight pressing down into his belly. He blinked, his sore eyes feeling crusty and sticky and he felt nauseous. ‘ _Don’t fall asleep… don’t…_ ’ he didn’t want to pass out before he even understood the situation he was in right now.

He was being carried. It seemed brighter than before, as if dusk was about to come, but Felix wasn’t sure if it was because of this, or if he just found it brighter because he was used to the darkness by now.

Changbin was carrying him over his shoulder, making Felix stomach turn in an uncomfortable way as he jumped down from a fallen tree trunk, making the blondie gasp in agony. He was tired, he could barely force his eyes open. Carefully, Felix let his eyelids fall close again, asking himself how many times the same thing could break him. As long as he loved it probably, he winced when Changbin’s fingernails dug into his upper arm. He was cold. He wanted to go home.

“Hy…” he inhaled sharply, feeling his throat being stuffed close. “Hyung…” it was inaudible almost, Changbin didn’t hear him. Or maybe, he did and just didn’t care. He wasn’t someone to give it up like this, but the second he realized he was wasting energy, Felix let his limbs slack again, feeling his head aching and his stomach grumbling. Did he ever feel this terrible? He couldn’t remember how he had felt after the accident. Apparently, he didn’t even know if he wanted to remember. Some things are better to forget.

He felt like he was swimming in the ocean. Huge, massive waves were violently throwing his fragile and defenceless body around like a play toy, a rag doll. He was drowning, yet he was alive, he felt empty, yet filled. Icy cold and burning hot the same time. When the water dragged him underneath the glassy surface and he had to struggle his way back up, this is what he felt.

He thought about drowning a lot recently. He remembered how he thought that missing Changbin came in waves. This night, when he thought that, he was drowning. Drowning in his thoughts, suffocated.

 

 

Changbin groaned as he carelessly let the boy fall off his shoulder. His back was killing him. Felix landed on the mattress, that laid on the ground of the old, literally unused cellar of the little house. He stared down onto him, how his blonde, beautiful bangs fell into his face and covered his eyes slightly. His lips, his nose, his cheeks… so perfect. It was all so perfect and Changbin swallowed. Actually, he didn’t even know why he had brought him all the way back here. After all, Felix had managed to reach the end of the forest himself. And it was _him_ , who told him to leave himself.

Sighing, he cowered down, taking the younger one’s hands and tying them in front his chest tightly, not to cut off the bloodstream, but to make it unable for him to move. “Sorry for that…” he murmured, laying his hand on Felix’s cheek and caressing over his face lovingly. He didn’t know whether he wanted him to leave, or to stay. Of course, for Felix it would be the best if he went to a proper hospital, but Changbin was an egoist. Felix wouldn’t leave him. Even if that meant that the elder needed to lock the teen down here inside his cellar. Even if he had to break his legs constantly and turn him into a weak-willed, obedient slave.

“See you.” He bent over, shocked by his own doing and pressing a slight peck to Felix’s bony cheek. Then, he got up, feeling strange as he left the boy.

 

 

Later…

The door opened almost soundlessly and Changbin pulled a grimace as a wave of stuffy air hit him. There was no window, the aura inside the room seemed heavy, the temperature awfully low, almost freezing. Changbin stepped inside, letting the door fall shut right behind him and his eyes immediately caught the moveless, bound bundle of misery on the floor, curling itself together even more as he stood now right in front of him, Felix. Automatically, he crouched down to the boy, noticing him shaking slightly. Maybe he was scared, or, what Changbin thought was more possible, cold. Felix was scared of him, but Changbin didn’t think he’d tremble. However, the thought of his prisoner getting a cold and getting sick made him a little worried, just a little. And he reached out, caressing a few bangs out of the boy’s eyes softly, almost lovingly and earning a rather violent jerk backwards of him. “Why…?” The boy’s voice was hoarse and desperate, somehow good to hear, making Changbin chuckle darkly. He moved closer without speaking a word, making the boy in front of him quickly, yet laboriously move in a sitting position with his arms pulled if front of his chest from the iron cuffs, that held his skinny wrists together almost cruelly.

“You said I could go!” he shouted now, but his voice was shaky and unsure, the threatening glare didn’t work on Changbin. To him, his little prisoner looked much too pathetic, too vulnerable to mean danger to him. Ignoring the boy, Changbin stretched his hands out for him again, grabbing him by his lean shoulders, not too harsh, yet firm and he pushed him backward onto the wall behind him, locking the boy between his own body and the cold, white surface. “Now, now…” Changbin huffed, one hand slowly, painfully slow, moved up the boy’s milky white neck, up to his cheek and he cupped it strongly, making the other holding his breath as he did. “Look who’s talking loud.” Unconsciously, Changbin smiled sadistically, the knowledge of him having the power over the young man made him want to do so much more than he actually had planned. “You had a lot to say to me the other day, hadn’t you?” He drove his thumb over the soft cheek, feeling satisfied when Felix swallowed hard and pressed his lips together tightly, letting his head fall, but Changbin hold onto him firmly so he wasn’t able to move much more than this.

“Thirsty?” Changbin’s voice sounded dangerously sweet, yet it worked on the kid, it had an effect on him, a strange one. Unsecure, hesitantly, he nodded slightly, not opening his mouth to speak and Changbin thought that maybe he was scared that something bad would happen to him if he did. “Fine then…” Changbin murmured, patting the blondie’s head gently.

 

 

“Hyung…” Felix whispered whiny, still sitting on the ground, his useless legs laying limb in front of him, leaning onto the wall. When Changbin entered, he felt an immediate pang to his heart. The teen looked so exhausted. He had a dark bruise around his eye, scratches all over his face, his neck, his arms and legs. He looked hurt and weak and somehow broken. Changbin gulped, stepping closer and crouching down, sitting legged onto the ground in front of the blondie, placing the glass of water beside him. “How are you?” he really cared. Felix huffed, looking aside. “Great.” He replied shortly and sarcastically, his eyes on the glass. “Can I have some.” Changbin could basically hear how his throat ached. “You’ll answer my questions first.” He was sure he noticed the younger one jerking at his rather harsh tone. However, he tamely nodded, avoiding eye contact.

“First: how did you run away?” the question bothered Changbin the most. Felix’s legs were broken, weren’t they? “I…” Felix swallowed. “I crawled.” Changbin nodded a little, feeling mucked. “So, you want me to believe this?” he got a little angry and Felix seemed to notice because he finally looked up, meeting Changbin’s hard, dark eyes. “No. After you left me on the meadow in the forest, I tried it out. I ended up finding the right way by chance.” He wasn lying, Changbin could see that in his eyes. “And who helped you?” the blondie would never have succeeded on his own. “Nobody.” Changbin exhaled.

“Lies…” he got on his feet again, stepping closer now and looking down onto Felix. “Lies!” he shouted at him and Felix jumped slightly, letting his head sink. “I’m not…” his voice faded. “Hyunjin did.” Changbin growled, standing up and looking down onto Felix, who had his eyes wide. “No! I managed myself…” The slap that let a harsh sound of skin colliding with skin echo through the room and cut Felix off. The teen paused, shocked, petrified. His head was tilted from the impact and Changbin pulled his hand back slowly, feeling his palm soring a little.

He had hit him too hard.

Changbin realized too late, when a single tear ran over the blondie’s puffy cheek and he turned his face towards the elder. “Stop lying.” Changbin felt his hands shaking and Felix opened his mouth to speak, but let his jaw fall close a split second later, looking down onto his nap. “Sorry.” He murmured, shrinking in his position and pressing his own petite body deeper into the hard stone-wall behind him. “I’m sorry.” He repeated and Changbin was sure the kid was crying. “Who helped you?” he repeated, crouching down and grabbing the younger one by his chin. “You can talk now, or I’ll leave you here for… let’s say… two days? You’ll be all alone by yourself.” Changbin knew threatening the younger one would probably not be the best of a solution, but he was impatient. He knew it already, he just needed to know if Felix would be honest with him. “No…” the blondie whispered, his tied hands flew up to Changbin’s, grabbing his by the arm of his shirt. “Don’t go… please.” He could hear the desperation and the fear in Felix’s shaky voice, but he forced himself to keep a calm face. “I told you what I want to know.” Changbin got up onto his feet, feeling Felix still grabbing onto him.

“Fine, Hy-Hyunjin… helped me.” The blondie’s phrase faded as he spoke and Changbin smiled in satisfaction. The kid grew obedient.

He turned on his heels, kneeling down again and pulling Felix towards him. “I knew you’d talk.” The elder hummed, caressing over the younger one’s head gently. He sobbed slightly, resting his chin on Changbin’s shoulder comfortably and the elder one pulled him even closer, so close he almost pressed him against himself. “Stop crying now.” Felix didn’t even hear it. He closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth and the feeling of being safe for a moment. And he couldn’t describe how good he felt and how much he wanted to stay like this. “Sorry…” he murmured into Changbin’s pullover, soaking the cloth. “You did good, don’t worry about it.” All of sudden, Changbin spoke to him as if he was a little child. Oh, how he wished he were a kid again. Having no worries, running around and playing hide and seek in a playful way.

“Come on.” Changbin finally said, releasing Felix and the younger one had to catch himself, to not fall forward as the warmth and the safety and the good feeling disappeared all together and he was back. Back in the lonely cold room without lights. Changbin took his wrists, unlocking the cuff around them carefully and freeing Felix for less than a second. Then, he remembered that he was still trapped. His legs were broken and nobody searched for him. No one would come and save him…

Changbin lifted Felix onto his back, not as laboriously as in the beginning, but the teen felt still heavy. Unimaginable, how easily he had broken the boy. How easily he could turn him into a toy. A thing, something that was tame and obedient. They walked upstairs and Felix pressed his eyes shut when the sudden bright light of the lamps blended him. Only now he realized how much he had missed the light. And how he had thought that he’d spend his whole life in darkness and loneliness and sorrow. That Changbin would end his life.

He was friends with the monster under his bed, fearing and loving it the same time. How brute and cruel Changbin might be, he could be just as sweet and caring and that’s what confused Felix so hard.

Nevertheless, he slung his arms a little tighter around Changbin’s neck, feeling the warmth slipping back to his own body and he felt home again. He wanted to go home… see his family, his friends, even his annoying neighbour.

Felix froze, his eyes widening. He remembered.

His head ached, yet he couldn’t think of anything else. That annoying neighbour… what was his name again? Felix bit his bottom lip, he remembered him having blond hair as well, speaking a nice English and being shorter than him, yet there was no face. That couldn’t be it. It just couldn’t! His name, a simple name, short and easy, he knew it, but he couldn’t grasp it. How did he forget one of the most important things on a human, someone he saw every day? Someone who’d knock on his door in the middle of the night just to watch tv with him and would crash over even if he lived literally next-door opposite of him. He lived in an apartment. Felix swallowed, feeling the release and the happiness lifting a huge weight, which he didn’t know he carried all the time seemingly on his back, off him and made him feel so light and good he felt dizzy even.

“Hyung… I’m tired.” Changbin had only stepped up the stairs and was now heading to the living room. The older one snorted, not stopping. “You’ve slept all day, it’s pitch-black outside now.” To Felix’s surprise, Changbin walked past the entrance to the small living room. “I’ll fall asleep on your back then.” Felix murmured into Changbin’s shoulder, snuggling his head into the older one’s neck. “I made you something nice.” Almost immediately, the blondie felt himself waking up at those words. He was just someone who absolutely _loved_ surprises. “What is it?” he asked, opening his eyes a little. “You’ll see soon enough.” The elder laughed a little.

He opened a door which Felix hadn’t seen before. It was a room, small but okay, wooden walls, flat ground and a window even with dark blue curtains and a bed right underneath the window. Felix swallowed.

“You give me a room?” He was speechless. “Your _own_ room.” Changbin corrected him and walked inside. “I thought it might be a little comfier than the couch.” He placed Felix on the bed, the mattress sipping slightly. It was so cold, yet it was soft. Felix liked it, it felt fresh, new, as if he hadn’t slept in a proper bed for years. He slid down, feeling sleepy again and Changbin smiled a little, not too obvious of course. “Just can call for me if you wake up.” Felix sat up again and for a second it was silent between them. Just then, Changbin patted his head slightly, slicing the heavy air around them and coughing. “Well… I’ll leave for now.” He got up and Felix didn’t remember ever being too tired to not speak anymore. He let himself fall back, curling himself up into the blanket and feeling the warmth around him slowly spreading. He was upset, yet happy. However, when he closed his eyes he couldn’t sleep immediately.

 

 

“Hyung.” Hyunjin was still only wearing a simple shirt and a pair of jeans. It was cool, it was late again. Changbin stepped outside, letting the door fall shut behind him. His eyes sparkled when he saw the taller one standing there, feeling his body heating up. “Hi.” Hyunjin smiled, his eyes sparkled and Changbin gulped thickly. “How have you been?” It didn’t really feel awkward, it was just strange that Hyunjin hesitated. He stepped up to the younger one, slinging one arms around his slim waist and pulling him close. “What is it?” he looked up, something was bothering him.

“About making it up.” Hyunjin felt uncomfortable now, his breath was uneven and Changbin smirked. “Oh, I’ve almost forgot about that.” He smiled as well, one hand cupping Hyunjin’s chin. It was silent for a moment. And Changbin just stared at the younger one, admiring his soft, yet manly features. So strong, but still so fragile. He wanted to keep Hyunjin as well, wanted him to have him by his side forever. Hyunjin had caught him when he was falling. So, he’d be there for him too, catching him in necessary from the endless fall he was already falling. Then, he’d swallow him whole and keep him locked inside of him forever. He’ll never let Hyunjin be free again. And Hyunjin knew that. He was tied to Changbin and Changbin was tied to Hyunjin.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Let me top.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

##  Preview Chapter IV

There is strength in being alone. The power behind this strength is that you not being moulded into someone you aren’t to please someone else. Having the capability to fight off loneliness instead of setting for temporary comfort is a courageous act. It’s about choosing yourself; to learn your own ways before you daringly learn someone else’s route. There is wisdom in finding stability first. Having a peace of mind before you even think about putting up your weight upon another human being shoulders. Being alone will help you realize who deserves a chance with what you have to offer and who doesn’t deserve the time of day. Only those who deserve you will be able to keep you.

Hyunjin was sure. He could start fires with what he felt for Changbin.

Felix wished the elder would smile when he heard his name. Just like Felix smiled, when he heard Changbin’s.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. A seperate heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin can't sleep and Felix doesn't know how he feels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short one:)

#  Chapter IV

Felix woke up with yet another headache. Blinking, feeling his crusty eyes in the process, he sat up. He was fully awake, but his body felt terribly tired. His arms were paining and his stomach growled loudly, giving him the feeling of nausea. He felt sick from hunger. “Hyung…?” he didn’t know if Changbin was there, he didn’t know if the elder had heard him. However, the lights from outside of the room, which shone through the widely opened door, were shadowed from a human body. Felix swallowed, pressing his eyes close to see better through his blurry view. He recognized someone he knew, but he somehow couldn’t place it. Who was that person right over there? It was as if he had met him a hundred times, but he didn’t know who it was. “Hyung!” He tried louder, noticing that no sound came out of his mouth. Not even when he started shouting louder and louder, feeling himself panicking.

Just then, he ripped his eyes open with a gasp, feeling his world spinning and turning in front of his eyes in an uncomfortable way. “Hey!” Felix jerked at the sudden voice, noticing that it was Changbin’s. It was a dream… He was panting, feeling a layer of cold sweat covering his feverishly hot forehead. The dark-haired elder was sitting next to him, gripping him by his skinny shoulders harshly. “Are you okay?” he asked, making Felix jerk another time. He swallowed in between his heavy breathing, nodding and avoiding eye-contact. “You were screaming.” Changbin’s voice was softer now and comforting in some strange way. “S-sorry.” He closed his eyes again, feeling his chest burning. Something felt wrong with his body. As if it didn’t belong to him.

“I put some calming pills in your glass. I wanted you to sleep.” ‘ _Why?_ ’ Felix wanted to ask, but kept his mouth shut. He wasn’t calm, actually, he felt at the verge of exploding. “Hey…” Changbin gently grabbed him by his chin, lifting his face up a little. Felix couldn’t even move his body, it was like he was a rag doll. He could sit, but that was pretty much everything he could. And he gulped again when he met Changbin’s deep, black eyes. He was so gorgeous.

Felix unconsciously started smiling when Changbin patted his head gently with his other hand, caressing down the back of his head. “I worried about you.” He said in an assuring tone and Felix felt himself doing the thing he wanted to avoid the most: melting at the elder’s words. Those _sweet_ words that were directed to him. “Really?” he felt energized somehow, yet empty. Changbin laughed and nodded, standing up and taking his hands off Felix, and he immediately missed the other’s attention and care. “Do you want to take a shower?”

Only now, Felix realized how _clean_ he was. At least, clean for crawling through the whole forest and the mud and dirt. He was sweaty and felt sticky again though. “Have you… bathed me?” he shyly asked, rising his brows in confusion. “Yep, thought you’d feel better. But you’re all sweaty again. And you’ve a fever.” Changbin was smiling and it had the effect on Felix that the blondie felt attracted to him even more. Changbin _cared_ for him. He wanted to scream, for real.

“I want that.” He simply answered, stretching his arms out to give Changbin the sign to help him. Changbin smiled huffily. “You lazy…” he murmured, before he crouched down and let the blondie get swiftly onto his back, that still felt dull from carrying the kid through the forest the other day. The elder groaned underneath the pressure, that felt heavy and almost unbearable again. His muscles still ached.

 

 

“Can you stand?” Changbin asked when he let the door of the bathroom fall shut behind him. Felix felt himself getting even sweatier. “No…” he quietly said, hoping Changbin wouldn’t notice the little lie.  

He _could_ stand. He had one leg after all. One, that was fine.

“Alright.” Changbin said with a sigh, placing Felix beside the sink basin. The younger one’s legs were loosely hanging in the air as he rested his back behind on the mirror. He didn’t dare to speak, it felt as if he faced someone completely new. Felix wanted to ask Changbin why he had brought him back here and didn’t let him escape. Would the elder… want him to stay? “Hyung…” he unconsciously said, making Changbin look up. “Hm?” Felix bit his lip, not knowing what to say. He kept on staring for a few moments, then Changbin took his gaze off him again, going back to his work at filling the tub and putting some bath salts into it.

“You look handsome today!” he busted out, his voice being a little too loud and Changbin turned back, giving him a confused stare. “Uhm… thanks.” He simply said and Felix felt awfully empty. “You look handsome every day.” He corrected himself and made the older one inhale again. “Now, you can talk again.” The chuckled words let Felix close his mouth immediately and he let his eyes sink.

“C’mon…” the black-haired one turned back towards Felix, smiling widely. “I’m joking.” And the younger one looked up again, feeling too confused and too dizzy to realize what the elder just said. “Hey, look at me.” He cupped the blondie’s chin with both hands and turned his face back up. “Let’s get you clean and then we’ll eat, okay?” He didn’t wait for Felix to answer him when he grabbed the hem of the younger one’s shirt and lifted it over his head gently. Felix covered his chest with his arms, feeling strangely discomforted and cold. “It’s not that I’ve never seen you naked.” Changbin’s words felt like they hit him against something hard, like a wall. Felix felt the elder moving away from him. “But I won’t touch you, if you don’t want me to.”

There it was again, the warmth he had missed so much. The feeling of the sun rays, caressing over his skin gently and the golden touch of the light brightening his tanned skin and blending him. He _could_ say “no”.

However, he loved it…

“Help… please.” He murmured, letting his arms fall aside and avoiding eye-contact as Changbin grabbed the waistband of his sweat pants. “As you wish.” Did the elder feel guilty? Felix almost wished for it. That’d mean Changbin cared.

 

 

Hyunjin couldn’t sleep.

He kept on rolling around in his bed, throwing the blanket off him from time to time, just to grab it and curl himself back into the warmth. He didn’t know whether he was hot or cold, but he was sweaty all over. His legs felt tired, his whole body felt weird. Nothing really hurt, yet it was as if his body… didn’t belong to him somehow. As if he was only a hollow corpse. Ever since he had known Changbin, the elder had never asked for anything like this. He pressed the pillow, which he was hugging tightly, closer to his chest, imagining it was not the soft pillow, but Changbin, that was sleeping soundly in his arms. Oh, how he wanted to be with the elder, how he longed for him to be with him forever.

Hyunjin bit his bottom lip, grunting as he realized he wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. Dusk was near, it wasn’t even worth it.

However, the problem didn’t leave his mind. That annoying brat was back, even though Hyunjin had taken care of him, the problem. Felix. Inwardly, Hyunjin imagined how he’d push that boy down a deadly high cliff, where the blonde one would fall to his death and finally disappear forever. He was sweating as he sat up. That kid needed to disappear, no matter what it’d take. Hyunjin finally slung his slender legs over the edge of the bed, sighing annoyedly. Then, he checked his alarm clock. Ten minutes to four in the morning.

However, he let himself fall backwards, letting the much too warm sheets engulf him. He closed his eyes, thinking of Changbin, forgetting the rest.

 

 

Changbin sat opposite of him now, shoving the instant noodles into his mouth as if he hadn’t been eating for days and Felix did so as well, just with the difference that he didn’t stare down onto his food, but up to Changbin. The elder had noticed long ago, but didn’t seem to care much. “Are you not hungry?” Changbin grumbled with a full mouth and Felix quickly smiled, shaking his head and taking on finishing his bowl. How full he suddenly felt…

Felix swallowed another bite. He couldn’t leave the food Changbin had cooked for him another time, right? So, telling himself to be good and tame and to not make a big deal of some instant noodles, he slurped them down. “You don’t need to eat.” Changbin put the bowl down, fully finished. “You can stop.” Felix didn’t want to look up, feeling strangely pressured by the elder’s presence. He felt fluttered, yet threatened the same time. Then, he rose his gaze a little, meeting Changbin’s eyes for less than a second before he looked away again, playing with the chopsticks in his hands a little. ‘ _Stop now._ ’ His brain sounded much too loud and Felix felt the coming headache approaching and making his press his eyes shut. Changbin reminded silent and calm as Felix curled himself up a little in agony when the well-known pain shot like a bulled through his head, making him feel nauseous and tired. The migraine again…

Felix felt himself tensing as he realized that he remembered another thing… the migraine. From time to time, it was there and Felix remembered how he once went to the doctor with his friend. What was his name again? Felix gulped hard, trying his best. What’s wrong with the names? Why couldn’t he remember them? He knew his friend’s face, a smiling face with wavy hair. Inside his mind, that friend was speaking, talking to him. So fast and comfortable that Felix asked himself if they were conversating in Korean, because Felix himself wasn’t that good in speaking it.

Then, it hit him. _Chan_.

Chan was from Australia as well… as he was.

Felix started coughing, bending aside and Changbin finally stood up. “Hey, you okay?” he was faster by Felix’s side than the younger had thought. However, he felt a little comforted when he felt the elder’s warm hands softly rubbing over his back. He was not alone. Changbin wouldn’t let him be alone and Felix imagined how the elder cared for him. Oh, what a beautiful thought.

He didn’t realize that he had tears streaming down his face by now, teeth chattering. He was gasping for air. Changbin had wrapped one arm around him, the other slowly slinging around Felix’s knees and he lifted him up swiftly once again, carefully walking away from the table and placing him on the bed in his room again, where he had been before. Felix curled up immediately, pressing himself together in a try to get rid of the pain inside his head and stomach. What was wrong now? He groaned and buried his face in the sheets, hoping it would go away, this pain, this ache. “Where are you hurt?” Changbin’s voice seemed so far away and sounded as if the elder stood behind a closed door, trying to talk to him. Felix couldn’t answer, between his shaky breaths he could only manage to huff some loose words without any context. ‘ _Everywhere_ ’ he answered inside his head, thinking, not thinking and finally pressing his eyes shut again, holding his breath.

Changbin sat down onto the bed, kneeling beside him and carefully laying one hand onto his shoulder. Felix winced at the contact, blushing into the sheets when he curled his fingers into the soft material. The elder caressed over his arched back, somehow hard, yet if felt relaxing. The pain stood however, giving the blondie nausea and he gulped audibly, trying to focus on what was going on. Wailing, Felix took a shaky breath and Changbin bent a little closer, almost pressing Felix down into the mattress, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It felt safe actually. So safe Felix dared to relax for a split second and let the air fill his lungs again. Air tastes awful. Then, Felix realized it was the blood in his mouth that tasted like this, blood from his bit-open lip. It finally burst. Biting his lip was an old bad habit of his, but he couldn’t help it. “Hey, kiddo.” Felix huffed and smiled slightly as Changbin called him a kiddo. It felt better now, a little.

He felt guilty. For taking Changbin’s place, for needing so many things and so much time. For being a trouble, rather than a pleasure. “Look, you can rest as much as you like.” He heard the elder say in a calming tone, making him close his eyes again and inhale shakily. As much as Felix had loved to answer him, he couldn’t. He felt too tired to even attempt to open his lips. Changbin caressed over his side, his hand feeling warm and welcoming and safe. _Felix_ felt safe. And with that feeling, he drifted off again, not even noticing when he fell asleep.

Changbin watched him. His face reminded calm and emotionless, yet inwardly he was burning. Worry almost overwhelmed him and he asked himself if Felix was dying right now. If he were, it would be Changbin’s fault. Because he didn’t take him to a hospital when the kid urgently needed a check-up and also because Changbin didn’t let him go, didn’t let him reach his goal of getting to the city. However, as Changbin let his hand slide over the younger one’s slender waist, he exhaled. He would never let Felix go. Never. Before Felix would leave him, Changbin would just kill him. It was his duty somehow, right? Felix needed to stay, if the elder told him to. After all, it was _him_ that saved the blondie. Changbin bit his lips, digging his fingertips into the soft skin of the younger one’s hips and possessively grabbed him and pulled him a little closer towards himself. He turned the sleeping one onto his back, placing his arms around Felix’s head and kneeling over him. He swallowed thickly, admiring the soft features of the boy’s face, those perfectly shaped lips, his closed eyes, his nose, his freckles, his cheeks. Everything on him was purely attractive, so beautiful that Changbin found himself unable to resist the urge to touch him. Gently, he drove his fingers over Felix’s cheek, cupping his face and driving his thumb over his plump lips. Oh, how he would have loved to kiss them… but he didn’t. He didn’t dare. He wouldn’t force himself onto a defenceless _man_. What was wrong with him? Why did he want to treasure Felix so much, why would he keep him alive even?

Changbin felt his heart pumping inside his chest hardly. Why did he want Felix to live and stay with him? Changbin exhaled, confused by himself as he laid down next to Felix, turning onto his side and slinging one arms around Felix’s waist.

 

 

It’s not that he could resist him. Felix needed Changbin in his life.

He wanted to know if the elder was afraid of sharks or spiders, death of love. He wanted to know if it’s the grammatical errors that drove him crazy, or the people correcting them, if he’s more comfortable shaking sand out of his hair, or snow. If he preferred coffee or tea, bars or board game nights. Felix wanted to know which of Changbin’s friends he cried in front of, if he ever laughed chocolate milk out of his nose, or kissed somebody he didn’t even love. Wanting to know even more, wanting to know every single little detail of the elder’s life. The blondie asked himself if Changbin kept him beneath the layer of small talk. He just wanted to know him.

“Felix…” The said one opened his eyes, tasting an awfully bitter taste in his mouth. Changbin was leaning over him, arms crossed in front of his chest and Felix blinked against the bright light of the room. “I’m going out for a second, I’ll be back soon.”

Felix didn’t even realise when the elder had left the room again. He was in a trance-like state, feeling everything moving around him, even though none of his furniture moved. His throat was screaming for water, so badly that the blondie forced himself to get up, trying to stand safely on one leg. It worked. He slowly made his way out of the room, feeling a little more awaken than before and he reached the kitchen, but stopping.

He paled.

Changbin stood right in front of him, staring at him with wide eyes.

“What…” The black-haired man couldn’t finish. Felix gulped the heavy knot inside his throat. “I’m… I remember…” The younger one stuttered unsurely, wincing as Changbin huffed. “You’ve lied to me…” Changbin accused, stepping backwards. “No!” Felix was desperate now. He didn’t want to anger Changbin. “I only know that I’m…”

Changbin’s harsh voice hit him like a bullet. “You’ve lied to me all this time!” A glass flew, hitting the white wall right beside Felix’s head, who winced as it shattered into little pieces and rained down onto the floor. He swallowed hard, not daring to look up as the elder opposite of him moved. Changbin wasn’t angry, he was furious. It felt as if someone stabbed him, yet he couldn’t define the strange kind of pain he felt. However, there’s one thing he knew: if he managed to get out of here alive, then he was lucky. A second later, he felt the elder’s hands tightly around his throat, cutting off his breath.

Changbin didn’t feel anything as he held the boy up by his skinny neck, pressing him into a wall and locking him between the harshly cold surface and his own body. There was almost no resistance, no fighting back as he dug his fingernails into the younger’s smooth, pale skin. There’s only a slight whimper, which was so quiet he almost overheard it. “Don’t do it…” Felix was begging now, his huge puppy-eyes were watery and dark and Changbin saw the reflection of himself inside of them, yet it wasn’t him who he saw, he only saw the hollow body that was filled with the monster inside of him. Just when he could see the darkness, that waited for him in unconsciousness, Changbin released him, backing off a little, just enough for Felix to breathe again. His hands flew up to his neck, feeling the uneven skin that had been almost broken by Changbin’s nails. “How long?” the elder huffed, a dark shadow fell over his face and Felix shuddered as he pulled his shoulders up. “N-not long! Just a few days…” Felix’s voice faded and he nervously started playing with his fingers. Changbin nodded, not looking at him, but Felix could see his lips quivering in anger.

There was a short silence between them, a silence which felt like it lasted forever. Felix didn’t dare to speak and Changbin didn’t know what else to say. “And why…” Changbin stepped closer again, not too close, not touching the younger, but Felix felt the other’s breath ghosting over his face and out of reflex he pressed his eyes shut. “Look at me!” he yelled at the teen, who only jerked. Felix knew he was able to defend himself if necessary, he could do taekwondo, yet he was shaking. Even when Changbin would hit him or even try to kill him, he didn’t know if he was able to hit back. “Why didn’t you tell me?! Are you so into your role of being a victim?” Changbin grabbed him by his collar. “Am I that scary?”

He looked at Felix and Felix looked back, so many voices talked, but none of them dared to go on speaking it out loud. “I’m sorry…” Felix grabbed Changbin by his upper arms, his eyes begging in desperation, but Changbin didn’t even look at him. “Hyung, I’m sorry!” he repeated, hoping for a reaction, a nod, a blink, just anything. Felix sank down, his wobbly, almost healed legs were aching right now. He felt like sobbing, but didn’t know if crying was a good thing to do right now. He didn’t want to cry in front of Changbin actually, not in front of anyone. “Get up...” The harsh voice made Felix feel trapped when he looked up with teary eyes. “Get up!” Changbin yelled at him, grabbing the baseball bat that stood on the wall beside him and took a swung.

Felix thought he was joking, pretending. However, the ache in his legs increased so hard when the bat crashed down on him, making him feel nauseous from pain. The elder didn’t stop, not when Felix leaned backwards and pressed himself to the wall, not when the blondie pulled his arms like a shield in front of his face, not even when the bat aimed for the younger’s head. He felt dizzy, certainly he was in pain, but strangely he didn’t feel it that much. Apparently, he felt nothing at all. He heard Changbin shouting at him, cursing him, the bat raining down on him, but he didn’t hate it. He understood it even, after all, it was him who made Changbin do that.

It didn’t stop. Pain stroke him over and over again and Felix didn’t defend. Didn’t dare. His hands were shaking and his voice was trembling when he quietly and inaudibly repeated “Sorry, I’m sorry…” he didn’t beg for Changbin to stop thought, he didn’t know why he couldn’t. It just felt as if he… deserved the punishment, if he called it like that. Changbin was talking to him, but he couldn’t hear him. Felix was sure he was seeing stars for a second when the bat collided with his head a second time, making him gasp. Everything moved in slow motion for a painfully long second and Felix asked himself if Changbin would go on until he’d die.

Just when Felix started to feel nauseous from everything, it stopped. He couldn’t hear, he only saw Changbin’s feet backing off and walking away, blurred. Breathing softly, he felt a single tear, hot and wet, rolling over his sore-feeling cheek. Words formed in his mind, words that didn’t make any sense and he wanted to speak, but his lips didn’t move. All he did was nothing, laying on the ground, which felt harder and colder than before, blinking in a try to get the tears out of his eyes.

 

 

Felix remembered a quote he had loved when he was a kid: “After the rain comes the rainbow.” Sadly, he only realized now that the rain either lasted so cruelly long that the world drowned, or that it was just wrong. The pitch he was in never seemed to end, no, it seemed to get worse every second and as he finally opened his eyes again, he felt somehow hollow. Where was he? Who was he? And what bothered him even more: where was Changbin? Where was he when he needed him more than ever. He wanted it to stop so badly, he wanted it to finally be over. That certain pain, the almost unbearable fear, the feeling of being left alone when he already had nobody in the world. Where was his saviour, someone who stopped him from the endless fall he was already falling? He needed Changbin to control him, to stop him if necessary, to tell him to go on if he couldn’t do it anymore. However, he didn’t know that a simple lie made him see Changbin in another way, a bad one, yet he couldn’t bring up the power to leave. He couldn’t.

And even worse: his legs felt numb again. He felt them, but it felt as if they didn’t belong to him anymore, even less than they had before, when his plane had crashed. Stomping dragged his attention back to reality. Changbin was back, Felix knew without looking at him. Oh, how he hoped that Changbin had calmed down…

The elder crouched down, his fingertips brushing softly over Felix’s cheek, so gentle it made him relax for a split second.

And then, it was over.

Changbin grabbed him harshly by his skinny neck, tugging him forward, lifting his upper body from the ground. Felix felt his neck starting to ache and he feared it would break when Changbin lifted him up from the ground like this. How swiftly it might have looked, Felix felt himself chocking and gargling non-existing pleads, his hands on Changbin’s, trying to pry them off somehow. The elder dragged him into a room where he hadn’t been before, grey walls, dim light, no colours at all. He was thrown onto a mattress, a bed probably, for a second, he was able to catch his breath again, before he felt a terribly heavy weight on his chest.

“Why…” Changbin’s voice was not more than a growl. He didn’t struggle against the cruelly strong hold, that forcefully pinned him down on the bed, making it hard to breathe normally, also with the heavy weight that pressed him down into the much too soft mattress. “Why did you _stay_?” He had heard that already, Felix remembered. He seemed so desperate to know, yet Felix had no answer himself and the grip around his throat loosened a little bit. Changbin sat up on him, leaning back a little and exhaling, as if he wanted to air his anger out of his body. He smirked. “You like me this much?” even if Changbin was rather petite, right now he felt almost unbearably heavy and he leaned forward again, his face just centimetres away from Felix’s and the blondie gulped hard. He didn’t know why he suddenly started admiring Changbin again. He didn’t feel angry at all, it was as if… everything the elder just did was okay. It was painful, but Felix didn’t mind. It felt strangely good even, feeling Changbin so close, feeling his breath on his face and his heartbeat on his own chest. Changbin was alive, he was with him and even though those were just plain normal things, it made Felix feel special somehow. He was noticed, he was _more_ important than Hyunjin. It felt like a competition he had even won and Felix squeezed out a whispery yelp when he felt the elder’s cold hand slipping into his trousers. Felix felt a mixture of sweat and salty tears running over his cheeks as he chocked a sob and tried once again to focus on that one man over him. “Ignoring me, huh?” He was looking at him in an expecting way, he was playing with him. And Felix liked it. “I like you…” he breathed, feeling his blonde bangs in his eyes when he saw Changbin frowning a little and stopping all his movements suddenly. He gulped once again, waiting hopefully for an answer that didn’t come. Instead, the elder blinked slowly, letting his head sink and pressing a kiss to Felix’s soft lips. It wasn’t what he’d expected, actually, he never thought that Changbin felt the same way he did, but it’s okay because he had always been Changbin’s, and now Changbin was finally his as well. “You love it, don’t deny it!” Changbin breathed right next to Felix’s ear, letting an icy shudder rush over his chest as he felt the elder moving on him, his free hand barely brushing his skin when he reached out and tenderly, almost lovingly, cupped his cheek. He was right. Felix loved it…

It was right. Even though it was wrong, it was still right somehow, it felt like it at least. Felix felt himself melting into the elder, feeling his soft lips on his, his tongue twisting inside the other’s mouth. Changbin felt different now, like another person. So gentle and lovely. He felt the elder’s kisses on his neck, harsh and calm the same time. “You stay with me then…?” Changbin was short of breath again, stopping his movements for a second and Felix felt his face heating up. It was a choice, but it wasn’t his. He didn’t mind though, he didn’t want to leave anyway.

“Wait…” he didn’t know why he suddenly felt mentally so weak and he brought his hands up to Changbin’s upper arms, stopping him softly from coming closer to him. “I’m not…” he didn’t even know what he wanted to say. It’s not that he didn’t want Changbin, actually, he had wished for it for such a long time, but it felt different now, different than what he had expected. The elder let his black bangs fall over his eyes, driving one finger over the blondie’s puffy face before he closed the distance between them, easily yanking his hands off. “Don’t tell me what to do.” He whispered next to the younger’s ear, giving him goose-bumps. He grabbed the hem of Felix’s shirt, pulling it up the younger’s naked stomach. Felix felt scared, but he didn’t move. It was the adventure he always had wished for, right? Living with a killer without getting killed. Changbin drove his hand over the teen’s pale chest, softly. “Or… don’t you want me anymore?” It was a question and again, Felix wasn’t to answer. He let his hands fall aside, his gaze flying over the ground. Changbin had won.

Felix laid his head back onto the soft pillow, not resisting when Changbin slid his rather cool hands underneath his shirt and let his fingertips roam over Felix’s body, so gentle, yet so violent. It was as if he was in the middle of a tornado, in the middle it was calm and wind still, on the outside it was harsh and stormy and things flew through the sky. Felix brought his hands up to Changbin’s neck again, pulling the elder towards him and Changbin didn’t mind as he was pulled closer and let one leg slip between the younger’s legs, making Felix shudder in gratification. “You can’t stop me, but I can make it bearable for you.” He said lowly and Felix nodded quickly, blushing. “If you let me.” Actually, he was overwhelmed by the joy he felt and of course, the pleasure when Changbin backed down, grabbing the waistband of his baggy pants and pulling them over his knees. Felix closed his eyes, his face got hot when Changbin wrapped his long fingers around his semi hard cock. Before, Felix thought that being naked and exposed was uncomfortable and rather unpleasant, but now he thought different. Now he was ready to give himself all to Changbin. “Already enjoying it, huh?” Changbin huffed, smiling and making the younger’s heart beat faster inside his chest. He swallowed. “C-can you do it already?” Felix felt ashamed somehow, yet he wanted it to go faster, he wanted to feel more of Changbin and the elder smirked once again, nodding. “Fine then…”

 

 

He moaned as he came. Felix was out of breath when Changbin finished him, covered in sweat. The elder let himself fall aside, laying next to Felix, one arm tangled with the blond one’s. They were both naked, both exhausted. Changbin swallowed audibly, making Felix turn his head aside so he could see the elder clearly. He still felt the stiff feeling of adrenaline twisting his stomach in a good way. For a while, he was able to forget about the pain in his legs and his aching body in general. And his mind of course. “Hyung…” Felix whispered, fingers slinging slowly around Changbin’s bigger hand. “Hm?” The elder had his eyes shut, his chest rose rhythmically and Felix found it calming. He didn’t know how to ask, he was a little scared of the answer. Yet, this question was inside his head for such a long time already and he still thought about it now. “Do you like me?” He could have asked differently. He could have said: ‘Am I a burden?’, or ‘Can I stay?’, or just anything that Changbin would have likely answered with yes. Oh, he wished Changbin would say yes. However, the black haired paused, breathing calmly and Felix found himself growing impatient. He was about to open his mouth again, speak, maybe he should have said anything like ‘It’s just a joke’, or whatever. Did Changbin even take him seriously? Doubs suddenly made it into his brain and gave him anxiety. He opened his mouth slightly, but no words came out.

“I don’t.”

Felix felt his heart dropping. Changbin’s voice was calm, so was his face. Felix couldn’t look at him, feeling his head getting hot and his throat getting tight. “However…” Changbin spoke quietly, gently holding Felix’s hand. “I want you by my side.”

What was so difficult at liking him? Was he such a nuisance?

Felix’s lips were quivering slightly when he turned his face the other way. Did Changbin like Hyunjin then? Was he less than Hyunjin? Felix felt a sudden disappointment and sadness spreading inside his chest. “Hey…” Changbin turned his body to lay on his side, facing Felix. “I didn’t mean it like that.” He put one hand onto Felix’s chest, his hand felt warm and calming somehow, yet Felix felt hurt. “I do like you… give me some time, okay?” Felix nodded tamely, he couldn’t do more. “Okay.” He murmured, feeling unhappy and happy the same time. He was in love with a monster, that wasn’t in love with him.

The thing is: You don’t just stop loving someone because they don’t love you back…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

##  Preview Chapter V

“Sorry, for locking you up like this.” Changbin casually said, letting the now unlocked door fall shut behind him. Hyunjin sat on the ground, getting up and limping a little on his right foot when he stood up properly. He stayed silent, looking at Changbin with dead eyes that made the elder shudder inwardly. How he hated this look.

“Am I an animal? Something that needs to be locked up like this?” Hyunjin’s voice was harsh, too harsh for Changbin’s liking and he felt himself shrinking. Hyunjin was… intimidating right now. And just as Changbin tried to hide the dull feeling that was slowly crawling up his body, the tall younger man had grabbed him by his shoulders, too hard again, pressing Changbin onto the wall flatly.

“Let’s make a deal.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. I am nobody, who are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin hates Felix. At least, he thinks he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff for you, but don't get used to it;)

#  Chapter V

Changbin was laying on his side, eyes open. It’s not that he felt sorry, he felt bad. He had given Felix his blanket as well, keeping the teen warm and safe, or at least he thought it would keep him warm. Felix was asleep, or better, knocked out. Probably from exhaustion. Was Changbin a bad person? Or course, he was a murderer, a robber and he was the first one to go to hell, but he had never felt bad after anything he had done so far. Just until now, he didn’t even really know the feeling of guilt. To add, Felix wanted it as well, it was not that Changbin had raped him or something, but the odd feeling still didn’t go away. He couldn’t sleep anymore, apparently, he hadn’t slept the whole night.

However, he was too lazy to get up, plus he didn’t want to wake up the younger one, that slept beside him soundly, so peaceful and quiet that from time to time, Changbin feared that Felix wasn’t even breathing. That he was dead. Oh, Changbin would not forgive himself. He didn’t know why, or how this boy had such a power, to make him feel guilty and bad, make him worry even. Not even Hyunjin did with him, what Felix did. Felix. What a beautiful name. So fragile and easy, so exotic and strange. Changbin loved Felix’s name. He turned to his other side, facing the boy now, who laid on his back. His breath hitched from time to time, his chest rose and sunk slightly in a calm rhythm. Changbin swallowed. The dim light of the dawn made it into the room and Changbin shivered slightly. Summed had passed and so had autumn, almost. The leaves on the trees firstly had turned yellow, then orange, then brown. Only the needles of the pine trees stood as dark green as ever, sometimes Changbin even thought they turned even darker than before, but he didn’t mind. He loved autumn and winter more than summer. However, it was awfully cold now inside his house and Changbin made a note to himself to turn on the heater later. He was not someone who was easily cold, but now he worried about Felix more.

“Hyung…” He lifted his eyes, noticing Felix had woken up. The younger one had his head tilted aside, looking at him and Changbin felt himself falling even deeper into those wonderfully dark eyes. “Morning.” He simply murmured, not attempting to move. It was one of those days again, when Changbin wished he could stay in bed the whole time and do nothing. Literally nothing. It’s not that he could though, staying here at Hyunjin’s place was not for free. Changbin had to work as well, just that nobody saw him during the day.

“How do you feel?” Changbin threw his thoughts away and Felix blinked twice, before he yawned. “Better.” Just how long would that last? Changbin wondered. “I’m hungry.” The elder smiled huffily, hunger was always a good sign, so he finally pulled himself up in a sitting position, sliding his legs over the edge of the bed and getting up. Felix sat up as well but stopped. Changbin noticed, turning his head and watching the younger one, who looked up with big eyes. He knew what was wrong and he hated himself for being the reason for it, yet he couldn’t help asking. “What’s wrong?” he felt so close to shaking he was surprised of himself. Felix gulped, looking down onto his lap. “My legs hurt…” Great. The words hit Changbin somehow and he felt guilt rising inside of him once again. Should he apologize? Strangely, he felt like it, yet he was too proud to do so. “It’s your own fault.” Felix swallowed once again and Changbin bit his lip. He couldn’t stand seeing this face of the younger one, this sad and so close to tears face, it made him want to vomit at himself because he knew it was his fault, it was him who lost it and it was him who couldn’t control himself.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Felix said, his voice was heavy and suffocated, but Changbin didn’t really care about it. So, even Felix thought it was his own fault. “I’m not mad.” ‘ _You should be mad_ ’. The blondie looked up, smiling slightly and it warmed Changbin’s heart a little. “Can you help me?” Felix said, his voice unstable and Changbin couldn’t resist. “I can.” He breathed, stepping closer to the younger one again and crouching down before him. “I thought about what you asked me last night.” He spoke and Felix tensed, not breaking eye contact though as he nodded shortly. The elder had practised the whole night, what he wanted to say now, but it felt as if his brain was completely empty and he couldn’t even remember what he just said. “I _do_ want you to stay.” He said, laying his hands onto Felix knees gently. “And I _do_ like you a lot…” He swallowed. “More than I actually want to.” Felix blinked. Changbin inhaled sharply. “I want you to stay.” ‘ _I can’t do it without you_ ’ he wanted to add. ‘ _I want to take care of you, hold you, take you, love you, be with you_.’ He couldn’t bring himself to let all those words out.

‘ _I love you_.’

He couldn’t.

“I’ll stay.”

Felix took Changbin’s hands, making the elder look up again. Oh, how beautiful he was, how fragile and soft and irresistible.

“You’re mine.” Changbin murmured, pulling Felix closer by his wrists and burying his face in the younger one’s neck, inhaling his magnificent scent. He couldn’t define what it was, it was something fresh, yet manly. He brought one hand up to Felix’s back, pressing him even closer to his chest and making him gasp a little. “Hyung…?” Changbin liked to stay like this forever. “You.” He mouthed, feeling Felix slacking against him comfortably. “Are mine.” He said, his tone serious and he felt the younger one shivering slightly at his words. He didn’t lie tough. He wanted to mark the blondie as _his_.

‘ _I love you_.’

‘ _I want you to stay_.’

‘ _Because you’re my world_.’

He couldn’t bring himself to say those words. There was a blockade. Felix slung his skinny arms around Changbin and the elder felt the blondie’s tiny hands grabbing onto his shirt. Then, he felt Felix’s soft, somehow cold lips on his neck, pressing a soft, yet moist peck to his skin.

Changbin swallowed, his mind wandering off for a second. Then, he leaned forward, gently first, before he pushed the younger one down again onto the mattress, hovering over him as he trapped Felix between the surface of the bed and his own chest. “Wait, Hyung…” Felix begged, his arms still on Changbin’s slim waist as the elder stared down onto him. “I’m _still_ sore.”

Oh, how dumb of him. Changbin gulped audibly, stopping himself from thinking. Of course, Felix was still hurt, he was sore from the night before and Changbin needed to control himself. “I know.” He couldn’t apologize. “But you’re irresistible.” It was Felix’s fault, he thought, blinking slowly and Felix smiled softly at him, bringing his arms up to Changbin’s neck and pulling him jerkily down onto himself, taking Changbin aback and making him fall on top of the younger one. “Careful!” The elder shouted and Felix laughed. Changbin didn’t even know what was funny as he somehow held himself up again, resting his elbows next to Felix’s head, his face just centimetres away from the younger ones. Felix calmed down a little. Quietly, smiling brightly with eyes sparkling he looked up, making Changbin’s heart thudding so hard inside his chest.

“You’re so handsome.” Felix murmured, more to himself than to Changbin as he lifted one hand, cupping the elder’s cheek gently. Changbin froze. He didn’t really want it to go this far. He didn’t want his feelings to become stronger than his mind.

However, Felix had wrapped him around his tiny finger, and the way he was smiling at him, happy to see him, gave Changbin a new kind of strength. “You’re wonderful.” Changbin murmured, leaning down and nibbled on Felix’s pretty shaped lips. Everything on him was wonderful. His personality, his mind, his face, his body, the way he was thinking and how he moved… it was all so wonderful. Changbin loved this. He loved this certain boy right in front of him so much. He wanted to keep him forever, having him by his side. Seeing this beautiful smile every day, counting those sweet freckles when he loses himself again in staring at the younger’s face. That’s the future he wanted to live.

 

 

“Sorry, for locking you up like this.” Changbin casually said, letting the now unlocked door fall shut behind him. “I was scared you’d do something stupid.” Hyunjin sat on the ground, getting up and limping a little on his right foot when he stood up properly. He stayed silent, looking at Changbin with dead eyes that made the elder shudder inwardly. How he hated this look.

“Am I an animal? Something that needs to be locked up like this?” Hyunjin’s voice was harsh, too harsh for Changbin’s liking and he felt himself shrinking. Hyunjin was… intimidating right now. And just as Changbin tried to hide the dull feeling that was slowly crawling up his body, the tall younger man had grabbed him by his shoulders, too hard, pressing Changbin onto the wall flatly. Hyunjin’s eyes were burning with anger and Changbin gulped. He had never seen Hyunjin this angry before. Of course, the younger one had been pissed off and mad sometimes, but he always came back to Changbin a few days later, apologizing and begging the elder to forgive him for being ‘immature’. It’s not that Changbin was mad though, he had never really been angry at Hyunjin. And to be honest, nobody could say no to Hyunjin. From time to time, it felt like the younger one had wrapped Changbin around his little finger, because Changbin couldn’t resist him. Plus, Changbin not only wanted Hyunjin to stay with him, but also, he wanted the taller one to shield him. After all, Hyunjin was hiding him, bringing him food to survive and all.

“Calm down, please.” Changbin tried, at least. Hyunjin snorted, taking his hands off Changbin’s lean shoulders and standing in front of him, breathing heavily in annoyance and lifting his head, looking elsewhere. He rested his hands on his hips and Changbin felt guilty. While he had locked Hyunjin down here, he had had fun with Felix. And god, he knew if Hyunjin even got to know something about them, he would flip out completely. “You know I hate this.” Hyunjin whispered hoarsely, turning his gaze back to Changbin, the angry glare replaced with sudden sadness. “You promised me.” Changbin swallowed hard, gulping down the heavy knot inside his throat. The younger one was right. He really had promised him that he would never have to be chained, tied, locked up anywhere ever again. “Hyunjin-ah…” He mouthed, stepping one step forward and grabbing Hyunjin by his skinny upper arms. “You didn’t give me a choice.” The younger one let his head fall, turning it a little aside. “Forgive me.” The younger one said, exhaling. “It’s alright. You know I can’t stay mad at you.” Apparently, Changbin wasn’t sure if this would work on Hyunjin. It worked on Felix for certain, Felix was easy to manipulate and tame like this, with sweet words. Hyunjin had known him for such a long time by now, Changbin asked himself why he had never grabbed the thought of using the power he had over Hyunjin like this. Just like Felix, Hyunjin was whipped for Changbin, he was sure of that. Of course, Changbin really liked Hyunjin too, just how he truly liked Felix.

However, he sought for power, grabbing the little he had and wanting more and more. He loved being in control. He was addicted to this feeling of being able to do anything without making a mistake somehow, without needing to care if he hurt somebody or not.

“Hyunjin…?” Changbin asked carefully as he didn’t get any reaction. The younger one exhaled sharply, crossing his arms. “Look.” He started, turning towards the elder, but not looking at him. Changbin swallowed.

“You can choose.”

_How he hated that._

“It’s either me, or him.”

Changbin let his shoulders fall in annoyance. This little…

“If he doesn’t disappear soon, I’ll go.”

Was Hyunjin just curious if he’d dump him over Felix? Changbin jerked his shoulders. What should he say? Should he calm Hyunjin with words now? That would only make it worse. Hyunjin looked at him expecting, eyes on him now and Changbin felt burdened by the piercing stare. “And?” Hyunjin’s eyes sparkled. There’s not much to do, Changbin felt a little helpless right now and for less than a second he felt anger rising inside his chest. Anger was a thing inside his head though, he knew that. So, he could control it, if he wanted to.

“Let’s make a deal.”

He didn’t even know what he was saying. Hyunjin blinked.

“I’ll leave for three days. You’ll stay with Felix.” The younger one tensed visibly and Changbin quickly went on. “If you _still_ want him to leave after that, I’ll abandon him.”

What even was he saying? Changbin cursed at himself inwardly. However, Hyunjin seemed to think about it, strangely. He let his gaze fall onto the ground, nodding slightly. Did it work? Changbin didn’t know if this even was a good idea… What if Hyunjin would kill Felix? Sudden panic made it into his head. He waited for Hyunjin to respond, say _anything_ to make it somehow bearable for him. “Fine.” Hyunjin murmured after a while, looking up again. “Let’s do that, you stay at my house then. It’s Friday, I’m not working the next days anyway.”

Changbin didn’t know if this was good or bad now. Maybe, it was good for the moment, but wouldn’t he lead Felix directly into a lion’s cave now? “There’s one rule!” Changbin quickly shouted, making Hyunjin frown. “No killing.” Felix wouldn’t kill Hyunjin. Never. Hyunjin’s expression fell a little at that and Changbin knew it was exactly what he had planned. Hyunjin seemed normal on the outside, but inwardly, inside his head, were so many emotions and thoughts he couldn’t deal with. The thought of his best friend being a deadly weapon if used correctly made him shudder. Hyunjin was a disaster inside.

“I’ll hurt him.” Hyunjin murmured. “I want to break him.” Shit. Changbin swallowed, nodding hesitantly because he couldn’t say “no” now. If he did so, Hyunjin would probably not want to do this, would leave him alone and without Hyunjin, Changbin had a problem. A big problem. “Do whatever you want to. As long as you don’t kill him.” Hyunjin was willing, but he was unhappy. “For you.” The younger one said. “I’m doing this for _you_.”

And there it was again. That feeling he could do anything with those two young men. He could control them so easily because both of them were absolutely whipped for him. Just that Hyunjin knew him as well. “Alright… Then I stay at your house? In the city?” Changbin was unsure. It’s not that he feared somebody would see him and recognize him, but it still felt weird. He was a wanted serial killer after all. Hyunjin nodded as well and Changbin opened the door again.

“Wait.” He stopped. Hyunjin had his eyes on him, standing in the darkness of the shades. “What is it?” Changbin asked, wondering. “One more hug.” Hyunjin demanded, grabbing Changbin by his wrist and the elder chuckled amusedly. “Of course.” He mumbled, feeling himself getting a little squeezed in the taller one’s grasp.

 

 

Felix was asleep as Changbin entered the room. Hyunjin followed behind him, but didn’t come into the room fully. With eyes that sparkled in anger and hate he looked at the blonde man sleeping on the bed. “If I leave him a note you’ll destroy it, right?” He didn’t look at Hyunjin, but knew the younger one nodded silently. Fine then, he’d apologize to Felix once he returned. It’s not that the youngest one wouldn’t forgive him.

He looked so soft. How the dim light from outside shone into the room and lightened up Felix’s face. He looked like an angel, so pure and wonderful. Changbin wanted to wake him up and tell him, but didn’t. He didn’t want to lose Hyunjin, and the chances to lose the black-haired one was way bigger than losing Felix. Summer had passed and so had autumn… It felt like winter was there, saving the snow up in the clouds to let it fall down all at once. Like last year.

“Don’t feed him too much. He’ll throw it all up.” Changbin murmured, more to himself. He just hoped Hyunjin would care. “And bath him too, he likes that.” Hyunjin snorted. “I’m not a babysitter.” He spat, making Changbin turn. The elder suddenly felt unsure and scared to leave his boy alone with Hyunjin right now. However, he was also somehow certain that the black-haired one would fall _hard_ for Felix. Because who could resist the charming blondie anyways?

 

 

Hyunjin gritted his teeth unconsciously as he watched the blondie. He was still sleeping, like somehow always, looking like an angel. How he hated it… How he hated those pretty freckles around the boy’s nose. So damn beautiful, so unconscionably wonderful. Was he even real? Hyunjin grumbled lowly as he leaned down, driving one finger over Felix’s soft cheek. The younger one was like a curse.

However, Hyunjin’s action stirred him awake pretty quickly and Felix opened his eyes wide as he recognized the older one. He didn’t move, though. “What are you doing?” The blondie sat up then, shoving Hyunjin away gently and sitting up properly, grabbing the blanket tightly and pressing it to his chest. He looked so skinny. Hyunjin asked himself for a second what the kid had been eating, or better, not had been eating all the time. Did Changbin not feed him well? He wouldn’t mind, because that meant that the elder didn’t really care about the boy.

“Hey!” Felix’s voice was fierce and it shook Hyunjin back to reality. “Uhm…” he didn’t even know what to say. As he let his gaze fall aside and wander across the room, Felix seemed rather curious than scared. Well, of course he wasn’t scared, Felix was a tough one. “Where’s Changbin Hyung?” he hated the way the blondie called Changbin his Hyung. Changbin wasn’t his. Changbin belonged to Hyunjin and all of sudden he felt the urge to break the younger one. He had three days after all.

“Changbin is… uh,” what should he tell him? “He said he had better things to do than to take care of someone like you.” Inwardly, he patted his shoulder as Felix tensed, his soft expression turning hard. “Lies.” The blondie muttered and Hyunjin thought he could see him holding back hysteria. Seemed like the younger one _needed_ someone to hold onto. Hyunjin smiled softly though, reaching out one hand, and to his surprise, Felix didn’t turn his face away as the older one brushed some bangs out of his face carefully, caressing them behind his ear. “I’m sorry.” Hyunjin whispered, letting his pretty horrible acting skills out as he inhaled deeply. “Changbin left you here alone.” Felix stiffed even more, his eyes forming a frown, then growing wide and he grabbed Hyunjin’s wrist with both hands, taking him aback slightly. “No, that’s not true!” he was shouting by now and Hyunjin asked himself how the boy must feel right now. Terrible, he guessed, and it was okay since it was his aim. How long can something break you?

As long as you love it.

Hyunjin took Felix’s hands into his, as soft as possible, and pulled him a little closer. “It’s okay, I’m here now.” He wanted this boy to break apart. “I’ll take care of you.” As promising as it sounded, Felix didn’t buy it. “I don’t want you!” he jerked his hands back and surprised Hyunjin a little. Just a little. Inwardly cursing at the younger one and throwing a punch at his face, Hyunjin kept his façade. “I understand.” To Felix’s surprise, Hyunjin got up then, backing off and turning around to leave the room, followed by Felix’s eyes. “I’m here for you now, accept it.”

He was about to leave, but stopped once he heard Felix’s almost inaudible voice. “Wait.” Smirking to himself, he turned back, standing in the doorframe and facing the darkness of the room, but seeing the blondie clearly, how he sat on his bed, legs powerless and his arched spine looked lean and so did his neck. Hyunjin swallowed, feeling his heart skipping a beat at the sight. “Did he really leave?” Now, the voice, that had been so powerful and full of temper once had died down into nothing more than a whisper. _Break him_. Hyunjin smiled again. “Yes, he did.” Felix bit his lip, looking aside. “Where did he go?” Oh, what should Hyunjin reply? “I don’t know. He told me he didn’t want you to find him.” What was he saying even? The blondie looked up and Hyunjin froze. Why did it feel like the younger one knew exactly what he was playing? “Why?” He felt weird at how broken Felix sounded. He turned around fully, walking back towards the younger one and sitting onto the bed without asking. “He was just fed up with you, you know?” Felix let his head fall, looking down onto his palms, that were still gripping onto the blanket, but were now in his lap. “Hey…” Hyunjin didn’t know if he should, but he couldn’t help the urge to touch the boy and he started caressing his back. Not really gently, but still comfortable. “I’m here.” He lied. He was not really here for him, he just wanted Felix to become… dependent. “But… why?” Felix’s voice faded away and he suddenly leaned into Hyunjin as the older one pushed him towards himself a little too hard and he could tell that it was a little uncomfortable for Felix, but he didn’t care. There they were, the blondie leaning against his shoulder and him being torn apart between acting nice and being evil the same time. “I understand you. You must be so confused now, but it’s okay.” He tried shushing him. Felix believed him, surprisingly, and pressed his forehead to Hyunjin’s chest slightly, making the older one caressing over his blonde hair. Then, he pressed a soft kiss to the younger one’s head. “I’m here.” Promising things that weren’t real. He sure had a talent for that.

“Why… are you here?” All of sudden, Felix lifted himself off Hyunjin and the older one felt his face getting hot. “I…” what should he say? He inhaled sharply again, looking aside as an idea made it into his mind. “To be honest,” he turned back, grabbing Felix by his skinny shoulders and making him wince in surprise. “I really like you.” He was such a genius. “I’ve had a crush on you ever since I’ve seen you.” Now, Felix was blushing, looking up and down on him a little embarrassed. “Come one…” he murmured, but Hyunjin smirked at him. “You don’t believe me?” he pulled the younger one closer and Felix tensed again, his breath hitching a little. “Well, I’ve waited for Changbin _Hyung_ to leave, so I can have you.” He wasn’t even lying, right? Felix melted a little at that, Hyunjin could see. “I want you.” He was about to lean in, but Felix refused and pushed him off. “Please wait…” Felix murmured, avoiding Hyunjin’s eyes. Wait? What for? Hyunjin was doing his best to seduce him and he didn’t buy it? He guessed Changbin talked to him the same way the elder talked to Hyunjin, so Hyunjin tried to sound as Changbin as much as he could. Demanding, sweet, yet possessive and charming the same time.

Hyunjin got onto his feet again, making Felix look up in surprise. “Where are you-” “I won’t force you.” The older one cut him off, walking off and leaving the room. Felix didn’t say anything more, he probably needed some time to think. Hyunjin huffed, even though he knew it was almost impossible to fall in love with someone he hated, he hoped for Felix to become his doll as well.

 

 

It was evening, only a few hours after they had spoken. Hyunjin had grown hungry and had prepared dinner. He wasn’t a formidable cook, but it was okay, because Felix dug in as if he hadn’t eaten in three days. However, Hyunjin had listened to Changbin and had given the younger one only a little portion. He wasn’t keen on cleaning vomit.

“I’ve brought you something else.” Hyunjin smiled after Felix had finished and placed his spoon beside his plate. The blondie looked up expecting, looking at Hyunjin and the older one gulped. He didn’t think he was met with a gaze this… trusting and pure. “Uhm… do you like strawberries?” he had brought them for Changbin, but of course, the older one had forgotten them completely and left without them. However, Felix’s reaction was definitely worth it as his eyes started sparkling. “Yes!” he smiled widely and Hyunjin couldn’t help a chuckle as he placed them on the table right in front of the younger one. “Here, all yours!” he laughed and Felix took one out, the biggest one of course, stuffing it into his mouth wholly without even biting. Oh, he must like them a lot. “Thank you!” Felix said with a full mouth and Hyunjin only nodded. “Thank you for cooking.” he sounded somehow penetrant. “Never mind.” Hyunjin lied. “Thank you for being here.” What was his point? Hyunjin looked up, meeting the innocent and beautiful face he somehow loved and detested the same time. “I told you. I’m here now, no need to thank me.” Felix swallowed audibly, smiling. “But I like thanking you.” What was that sudden change of thinking? Was Felix so dependent on someone else that he’d just cling to anyone? Maybe, Hyunjin didn’t know, but he could understand now why Changbin really liked this kid.

“You’re so beautiful.” Hyunjin didn’t even notice the words had slipped past his lips as Felix’s face grew red like the strawberry he was chewing on. “T-thank you.” He stuttered, looking aside and quickly picking another one. “I like you.” Hyunjin went on and Felix slowly turned his gaze back. “Really?” his mouth was full again and Hyunjin smiled huffily. “Yeah, I really like you.” Felix swallowed. “What do you like about me?” Hyunjin hadn’t thought about that. “I like everything. I like your face, your hair, your body.” He inhaled. “I like the way you smile, the way you speak, I love your voice.” Lies. Hyunjin felt a little embarrassed now as Felix started smiling at him. “Nobody has ever told me that!” Oh, really? Hyunjin got compliments all the time for his looks, he couldn’t imagine that nobody had ever told Felix that he looked good. “At least I don’t remember.” Ah, that’s how it was. Hyunjin bit his lips. “You remember nothing at all?” Felix’s eyes grew hard. “Some things. I can remember the face of my best friend and I know that I did Taekwondo.” Taekwondo? No wonder was he tough as hell and fast like that. Hyunjin swallowed. He was lucky that Felix’s legs were both broken, so at least he couldn’t kick.

“Thank you.”

Hyunjin looked up again. “What for?” Felix bit on his lips as well a little, before he answered. “For being here.” He looked aside. “I can’t do this alone.” Survive? Hyunjin faked a smile. “Call me Hyung.” He knew he’d make Felix forget a little about Changbin if he replaced him. Felix looked troubled for less than a second, before he nodded, meeting Hyunjin’s gaze again. “Okay, _Hyung_.”

“Want to have some fun?” Hyunjin asked, intending something evil again. “Watching tv?” Felix asked with sparkling eyes again and Hyunjin burst out laughing. “We can watch tv later, if you want to! Let’s do something different…” he got up, walked around the table and stopped before Felix, leaning down and resting his hands on the side of Felix’s chair. “What do you mean?” he was so pure… Hyunjin grinned a little too obvious. “Hold on tight!” he chuckled as Felix slung his arms around Hyunjin’s neck and he grabbed the younger one at the back of his knees, lifting him up from his seat easily. “You’ll see.” He chanted softly and Felix just hummed in response. Hyunjin asked himself if Felix really was that innocent, or if he just acted.

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Herzensmensch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ger.Herzensmensch : eng. somebody you love from the bottom of your heart
> 
> Changbin can't decide. Hyunjin and Felix can.

#  Chapter VI

Felix liked this side of Hyunjin a lot more than the cold and harsh one he had known before. When the elder slid his hands up Felix’s still clothed back, he felt something he hadn’t felt in quiet a while: safe. Instead of being unpredictable and changing his mind like every day, Hyunjin seemed to know what he wanted and he aimed for this. And Felix found that pretty attractive.

“How are you?” Hyunjin breathed next to Felix’s ear, his hot and moist breath ghosting over the side of his face and he shuddered. Hyunjin was, compared to Changbin, a giant, so tall and broad Felix felt like drowning when he leaned in closer, feeling the other’s strong muscles on his chest when he pressed himself to him. His heart thudded so calmly inside his ribcage, yet so hard. As if there was a monster locked inside, a beast that screamed for release and Felix wanted to free this need inside of Hyunjin so badly. “Fine.” He hushed, looking up cupping Hyunjin’s face gently. “Sure?” The elder threw a quick and questioning glance to his legs, before he locked his eyes once again with Felix’s. “They’re almost healed…” he lied. He was actually sure they’d have healed if Changbin hadn’t beat him that hard.

Hyunjin leaned down, pressing sweet kisses to his neck and Felix closed his eyes. He was cold and Hyunjin was hot, every touch felt like fire on his skin and he loved it. On one side he felt glad that Hyunjin wanted him to stay, on the other side he felt angst. Changbin was so much more unpredictable than Hyunjin and Felix feared him, the same time found himself unable to leave, or to say ‘stop’.

Felix closed his eyes, locking Changbin out of his mind for a moment. He slung his arms around Hyunjin’s neck, feeling the elder’s strong hands on his waist, so firm, yet to careful. “Hyunjin…” he whispered shakily when the said one let one hand slip down into his trousers. “You like that, huh?” he didn’t see his face, but Felix knew Hyunjin was smirking. “You’re like a doll, no, you’re even more… fragile.” Hyunjin murmured unconsciously, bringing his face right in front of Felix’s, he was breathing heavily already, his voice was hoarse and Felix felt his heartbeat speeding up. ‘ _He’s so handsome_ …’ he thought, leaning in and pressing a peck to Hyunjin’s perfect lips. He felt him grinning against him, deepening the kiss almost forcefully and Felix felt himself melting into the other. “You sure like me a lot, do you?” Hyunjin broke the kiss, breathing next to his ear and Felix shuddered slightly. “I do.” He hummed, feeling the taller one’s hand cupping his face. “That’s good.” He smirked, placing his hands beside Felix’s head, leaning in closer.

Hyunjin pressed himself to Felix, letting one leg slide between Felix’s and the blondie gasped as he felt elder moving against his crotch. “Don’t worry.” Hyunjin huffed amusedly, leaning down to press his lips to Felix’s.

Felix was so much more… feminine and softer than Changbin. Hyunjin felt like touching a cloud as he drove his hands over Felix’s petite body, pressing the tiny man closer to himself as he slid one hand down the younger one’s muscular thigh. He loved this, having the control over someone else than Changbin. Well, maybe because he couldn’t quiet control Changbin that much, but Felix was a whole new level. Felix was so tame and obedient that it was almost scary. Hyunjin still liked it. How Felix let it all happen. How he didn’t resist and didn’t speak back, how ready and _willing_ he was. Such a tease. However, Hyunjin liked it.

 

 

The black-haired man sat on the bed comfortably, leaning his back onto the wall behind him and looking down onto Felix, who was sleeping again. Inhaling deeply, he blinked. It was strange, how he understood Changbin all of sudden. He knew exactly how he felt, because he himself felt just the way. Felix was… addicting. There’s some strange thing on him that made him attractive, but Hyunjin couldn’t quiet name it. Precious, charming Felix, he wanted to break this joyful, innocent and pure human. However, the same time he wanted to hold him and keep him all to himself. He wanted to shield him from all the cruelty and misery in the world, but he still wanted to have him. Felix should belong to him. Changbin had no right to claim Felix, the youngest one liked Hyunjin more anyway. Right? How willing Felix was and had been, how welcoming and trusting after just a few conversations, Hyunjin found it absolutely amazing to have this much power over someone so… strong. Believe it or not, Felix was tough as hell. Even after an accident, broken legs and a memory lapse, he was still smiling. He was still thinking normally, if you can call it like that, he was neither panicking nor planning his escape.

Hyunjin still wanted to hurt him.

He wanted this happy, smiley face to turn into a grimace of agony and sadness. When tears streamed down his face and over his puffy cheeks, his eyes were red and his hands were trembling. This, he wanted to see exactly this picture.

Felix exhaled softly, his moisty lips parted for a second and Hyunjin felt his heartbeat speeding up. What a beautiful human… what a wonderful face. Unable to resist the urge, Hyunjin brushed his fingertips over Felix’s soft cheek, gently, he didn’t want him to wake up yet. It was the beginning of the second day.

 

 

Here he was, wanting to kill and to protect Felix the same time. Hyunjin sighed, placing the noodles, which he ‘accidently’ cooked a little too long, in front of Felix on the table. “Thank you!” the younger one shouted, smiling widely. Hyunjin wasn’t really hungry, he just ate because it was morning and every normal human ate in the morning. Well, he was not normal.

“Felix…” he said, making the blondie look up with big eyes. “How about we give your hair a new colour?” Hyunjin somehow didn’t like his black hairline, that had grown out a little. “Hm, which colour?” Felix asked with a full mouth. “Ginger?” Felix chocked at that. “Oh, hell no!” he shouted in protest, hitting his eating sticks onto the table. “Then I look like some kind of parrot!” Hyunjin was _definitely_ going to dye this boy’s hair ginger. “No. It’s going to be orange. I like that.” Hyunjin crossed his arms behind his head and Felix scoffed. “I don’t.” he pouted. “Fine, I just thought it would look great on you.” Hyunjin got up and Felix whined a little. “Don’t walk away now, please.” The elder ignored him.

“Fine, you can dye my hair ginger. Don’t be mad.” Felix finally muttered and Hyunjin turned back smiling at him. “I knew you’d agree!” he chanted, stepping behind Felix’s chair and slinging his arms around the younger one’s neck. “Trust me, it’s going to look great!” Hyunjin pressed his cheek to Felix’s and the blondie just snorted in response.

The elder placed Felix on a chair next to the bathtub, grabbing the dye from a closet behind the mirror. “You know,” Felix said, making Hyunjin stop and look up. “I trust you a lot! I hate it when people touch my hair.” Hyunjin smiled huffily, standing up properly and ruffling the younger one’s hair gently. “I feel honoured.” He muttered with a fake-sweet voice. “Hey!” The blondie gasped and punched the black-haired one gently in his side, making him laugh.

“You’re so precious.” Hyunjin murmured lowly as he had calmed down, cupping Felix’s face gently with one hand and staring into his eyes. The younger one felt himself going weak at that and he leaned into the other’s touch. “Let’s get started!” Hyunjin shouted, opening the bottle of dye and Felix rolled his eyes, leaning back and letting Hyunjin massage the cream into his scalp and his hair.

 

 

About one hour later, Felix’s felt fresh again, the ugly scent of hair dye was washed off. Maybe, he had just gotten used to it, or maybe Hyunjin had washed his hair with another shampoo that had a much stronger odour. “Try getting up!” Hyunjin cheered again, but Felix bit his lip. He couldn’t stand… he just couldn’t. However, he still tried, for Hyunjin, he did it for the older one because he wanted him to be proud of him and like him. The pain shot through his ankles, his right knee, up his spine and it felt like a fire-hot flash rushed through him. “Careful!” he didn’t fall as hard as he thought he would, Hyunjin stopped him before he could hit the ground. Gently. “You can tell me if you don’t feel safe yet.” The older one scolded, holding the ginger tightly to his body. Felix grasped the towel a little tighter around his body, huffing. “Okay.” Okay? “Okay?” Hyunjin was a little confused. And to be honest, looking at Felix like this, all wet and soaked with freshly washed hair and that innocent, hurt look on his face was so… irresistibly hot. “You meant _sorry_.”  The ginger looked up, his gaze somehow fierce. “Why? What did I do wrong?” why was he talking back? Hyunjin let him fall down annoyedly, only some centimetres, but it was still an act of carelessness and Felix gasped as he hit the floor a little too hard.

“You know… what I really want to do right now?” Hyunjin knew he sounded like a monster, because Felix looked at him with slightly wide eyes, trying to sit up, but the older one was faster as he grabbed him by his wrist, yanking him forward. Oh, he didn’t notice his pants grew _this_ tight. “What do you want?” he asked shakily as Hyunjin leaned down, grinning sickly. “I think I really want to fuck you again.”

“No wait!” Felix gasped, his damp hair sticking to his forehead and he pushed Hyunjin by his broad shoulders. “I’m still sore, I don’t want to…” he was cut off as Hyunjin laughed huffily. Then, he grabbed the ginger harshly by his skinny upper arms, slinging his own arm around the boy’s broken legs und lifted him over his shoulder easily. Felix protested, hitting his free arm down onto Hyunjin’s back and making him groan in pain. Why was he struggling like somebody wanted to kill him? Felix yelped as Hyunjin let him fall down onto the ground as they reached the living room, not letting him crawl away as he grabbed the younger one by his knees and tugged him towards him ungently and making the towel around his skinny and petite body fall off. Felix laid on his back, gasping in exhaustion as Hyunjin kneeled over him, trapping the boy and pinning his wrists beside his head. The ginger’s chest rose heavily and Hyunjin felt that certain adrenaline pumping through his veins as he bent closer and buried his nose in Felix’s neck, shushing him with some whispery words Felix couldn’t really understand.

The younger one didn’t defend though as Hyunjin let go of his hands and started touching him instead. “I said _no_.” his voice was shaky and it wasn’t clear if this was something like a beg, or a command. Hyunjin didn’t care. He cupped Felix’s cheeks instead, feeling the younger one’s breath on his face as he leaned closer. “I heard you.” Hyunjin felt the younger one’s hands pushing him by his broad shoulders and he let out a disappointed sigh. “You’re bad at acting.” He could just play like this, right? Felix eyes widened slightly at that. “I-I’m not!” he shouted and Hyunjin grinned. He was sure he had never seen someone so… calmly frightened. “Scared?” he caressed the back of his hand over Felix’s freckled cheek, making him turn his head a little. Hyunjin gripped him by his chin and forced him to hold still as he bent down again, pressing his lips onto Felix’s, who froze.

Hyunjin parted their lips again, laughing. “You’re not even defending!” he shouted at Felix, who winced and blushed a little. “Come on now…” Hyunjin stared into the younger one’s honey brown eyes deeply. “You’re really into your role of being a victim.” With that, Hyunjin let his hands fly to Felix’s crotch. Felix widened his eyes at that and wanted to sit up, but Hyunjin didn’t let him and used one hand to grab him by his skinny neck and pushing him down onto the ground harshly.

“Oh, no. You won’t run away now!” Hyunjin smiled sweetly as he watched Felix now slightly struggling against his hold. “You’re stuck with me, so, deal with it.” Hyunjin lifted his own shirt over his chest. However, Felix seemed to slowly get into the feeling as he stopped moving, letting Hyunjin lean down again to kiss his neck, sucking a little too hard on his skin. “But…” Felix breathed beside Hyunjin’s ear, but the elder didn’t stop. The ginger was just playing. _Right_? Hyunjin felt heated up by that thought. “Fuck, Felix.” Hyunjin panted heavily as he took his lips off the younger one’s neck and felt Felix bucking his hips up as he wrapped his cold fingers around the ginger’s penis. “You’re so needy.” He was the needy one, he knew that, but blaming Felix was fun. Because it wasn’t his fault then and Felix believed his words so easily. It was almost sad.

Felix moaned, not pushing Hyunjin anymore, but pulling him towards him. “You like me this much?” Hyunjin chuckled and Felix nodded hastily. “I like you, but…” Hyunjin cut him off. He wouldn’t give the younger one the chance to say something like ‘ _I don’t want it_ ’, or ‘ _I’m not ready_ ’. “I’m sure you want it all day. Right?” he tugged Felix’s towards him jerkily, pulling him even closer to himself and Felix inhaled sharply. “You want me to make you feel good, huh?” Felix didn’t answer. It didn’t matter, it’s not that he would have listened.

 

 

 

Felix didn’t move. He was laying on his side on the ground, naked, his freshly washed and dyed hair was still damp and he looked so skinny like this. Hyunjin sat on a chair, reading some newspaper and having a cup of coffee. After he had finished, Felix had rolled onto his side, not answering Hyunjin if he needed a shower, or if he was hungry. Hyunjin didn’t ask him if he was fine, he knew the answer. And to be fair, he felt guilty. Felix didn’t move, he didn’t cry. He had never cried, he had not even sobbed. It was okay then, He wasn’t in pain. Hyunjin had done his job well.

This all had happened because Felix provoked it.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Hyunjin turned around, getting up walking towards Felix. “Hey.” He carefully started. What would Changbin think of him? Did he… betray the elder? “Felix.” He nudged the younger one on the ground with his shoe. Was he asleep? Oh, right, Hyunjin had to take care of him because Felix was still hurt from the accident. Slowly, he crouched down, shaking him by his shoulder a little. “Wake up, now.” He didn’t find that funny. Felix inhaled shakily, before he opened his eyes a little, searching for Hyunjin, but not really focusing. His gaze wandered around, his lips were dry and Hyunjin could almost feel the younger one’s sore throat aching as he tried to swallow. “Oh-oh…” Hyunjin laid his arms around him carefully, scoping the weak bundle into his arms and lifting him up from the ground. “Let’s get you clean.” He mouthed, pressing a light kiss to Felix’s forehead.

Felix was fully conscious, yet he seemed asleep. He didn’t react to the warm water, that ran down his arched spine, he didn’t move as Hyunjin turned the water off and pulled him up by his wrists in a sitting position, grabbing a towel and wrapping him up safely. Then, the elder carried him into the living room again, where he sat Felix, now fully clothed, down onto the couch. “Lix…?” Felix turned his head towards him, his face emotionless and Hyunjin felt a little pang at his heart. “Say something.” The elder begged, kneeling onto the floor in front of the ginger and laid his hands onto the younger one’s knees tenderly. Felix only jerked his shoulders and looked aside and Hyunjin felt himself getting annoyed slightly. “Hey!” Hyunjin shouted at him, he felt like he needed anything from the younger one, one word was enough, but being ignored pissed him off. He got onto his feet again, sighing a little too loud and he let himself fall down onto the couch next to Felix. “Talk to me.” He wanted to blame him, but didn’t have the power to do so as the smaller man turned his gaze slowly towards him, eyes wide and watery, but Felix didn’t cry. No, Felix wasn’t hurt physically, Hyunjin was sure of that.

“I’m thirsty.” Finally. Hyunjin relaxed, the tension in the air seemed to lighten for less than a second, before Felix turned his head back, folding his hands shyly in his lap. “I’ll get you something.” Hyunjin breathed out, getting up to get a cup of water. “Here.” He said gently, bringing the cup to Felix’s hands, but the younger didn’t move. “I’m not thirsty anymore.” He replied without looking at Hyunjin and the elder scoffed. “Your choice.” Then, he drank it himself instead. “I’m hungry.” Hyunjin laughed at that. “And as soon as I finish cooking you’re not hungry anymore.” He leaned over, resting his hands on his knees as he stared into Felix’s honey-brown eyes, searching for the eye-contact Felix wanted to mind so much. “Huh?” Hyunjin asked, a little too loud as he wanted the younger one to answer him. He had no patience with this boy, apparently, he had no patience with anyone. However, Felix was another level. Hyunjin had never felt so… teared in between hating and loving someone. Felix didn’t answer him again.

Hyunjin was too impatient to wait though, or to talk lovely and calmly to the younger one. He smirked, grabbing Felix’s skinny shoulders with both hands. “You either talk, or I’ll make you scream again.” Felix’s eyes widened at that as he looked up, pushing Hyunjin off him. “Leave me alone.” He muttered harshly, much too harsh for the pretty face he had. Hyunjin felt jealous. “I can’t do that.” The black-haired one grinned as Felix backed off, pressing himself into the back of the couch, pulling his hands up to his chest in an attempt to shield himself from the elder. “And you can’t avoid me, _Felix_.” Hyunjin was sure he saw panic sparkling in the younger one’s eyes as he kneeled down onto the fluffy couch, sliding automatically closer to Felix, more than the ginger wanted, and Hyunjin placed his hands on the sides of Felix’s head. “Too bad that nobody will hear you scream.” The younger one looked up again, biting his lips. Then, Felix smiled huffily as well. “Nobody would safe _you_ anyway.” The ginger bit back, surprising Hyunjin slightly with his answer. The elder took his hands back, getting off from the couch. “Yeah… you’re probably right.” Felix would have loved to know what Hyunjin was thinking right now. “Pretty naughty of you.” The black-haired one smiled sweetly and Felix knew it was fake. There they were again, running their never-ending competition. However, when the ginger smiled back, Hyunjin seemed shaken a little. “I’m hungry. If you don’t feed me I’m going to get mad.” The elder huffed and Felix enjoyed seeing his troubled face. He looked more concerned than the younger one though, but as Hyunjin constantly frowned at him and kept staring directly over his eyes, Felix let his eyes fall. “Felix…” Hyunjin started, inhaling sharply and Felix blinked. He felt it clearly… some warm liquid running over his forehead. “Felix… you’re bleeding.”

 

 

Awake. Asleep. Conscious, yet somewhere far away. As Felix opened his eyes, he felt nauseous. The bright light blended his eyes and he pressed them close, trying to swallow, but his throat felt sore like tar. Again. He didn’t remember passing out, but he guessed he must have, because now he was laying on his back again, on his bed with the blanket pulled over his body. Hyunjin must have brought him here.

Felix groaned, resting his arms behind his back as he slowly and carefully sat up, blinking and scanning the room. His room. He felt dizzy.

“I thought you died.” He looked up, eyes a little wide. Changbin? However, it was Hyunjin, who was talking to him. The older one sat beside him on a wooden chair, reading a book, which Felix knew. It was awkward and it didn’t get any better as Hyunjin placed the book aside, reaching out for the ginger and caressing over his shoulder gently. Felix wanted to fight him, but his mouth felt too dry and he was mentally weak enough to just give in and let it happen. “I was afraid.” Lies. Hyunjin was telling lies. Felix hated how he melted into the elder as Hyunjin pulled him towards his chest, pressing the smaller one tightly to himself and burying his face in Felix’s neck. “I really was.” He promised. Lies… lies after lies. Felix hated him.

 

 

It was quiet as they both sat on the couch, the tv on, but none of them really watched. Felix was staring elsewhere and Hyunjin had his arm wrapped around the younger one’s waist uncomfortably, as if he was scared that Felix was actually more hurt than he thought. And he was. His new hair was dry by now, carefully combed back. Hyunjin had done that, Hyunjin had hurt and taken care of him, but Hyunjin wasn’t Changbin. The older one couldn’t do, what Changbin did. And Felix knew that, if he were fair, he would accept Hyunjin’s apology, but the thing was that he wasn’t really fair and right now, he wanted to be left alone. However, what could he do? He couldn’t run.

“Are you okay?” Hyunjin murmured beside him, but he didn’t reply. He felt ashamed and somehow embarrassed. Hyunjin has asked him like all five minutes the same questions, and Felix grew tired of it slowly. The older one knew that Felix was mentally not stable right now. “Are you still mad?” He thought about answering, but what would it change? So, he quietly shook his head, biting his lip as he did. He wasn’t really okay, but he wasn’t mad either. It just felt as if his body didn’t belong to him anymore, and he hated this feeling. “I’m not mad.” He answered shortly, making Hyunjin wrap his other arm around him as well and he was trapped between the couch and the older one’s arms. To be honest, he didn’t like that. Apparently, he wished for Hyunjin to take his hands off him and leave him alone, but what could he do? It’s not that he feared Hyunjin would kill him, because if he tried to, the ginger would defend. “You had no reason to be mad anyway.” Now, he felt himself slacking. Hyunjin was right, there’s no reason. It was his fault. He should stop now.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized, burying his face in Hyunjin’s neck. “It’s okay, I can forgive you.” He felt a hand caressing over his ginger hair and he asked himself if this was even realistic. Was it really his fault? He didn’t know, he never knew. Changbin had always decided for him if it was, or not. “I’m glad that you’re here.” Hyunjin breathed and Felix swallowed. Changbin had never told him that. “I love you.” Hyunjin loved him. Hyunjin was there for him. How could he have doubted that?

 

 

For the first time in three never-ending long days he felt comfortable again. He rested his head on Hyunjin’s strong shoulder, feeling the elder breathing calmly beside him. Changbin was deleted out of his mind for a second, yet he asked himself if the eldest would ever return to him. He felt safe, warm even. Hyunjin was so perfect. Or course, there were some things he had done to Felix that weren’t right, but Felix still found it impossible to hate the older one. Hyunjin was special, he was much softer than Changbin, cared a lot more about Felix and that’s what the ginger loved at him so much. It felt like a short time, even though Felix knew hours had passed. Hyunjin had fallen asleep beside him, his arms till resting around Felix’s waist, but he didn’t mind. He really liked Hyunjin, more than he had thought he would. The older one had been a devil to Felix at first, now it was about the opposite. Now _he_ was there when Changbin had left. How dumb it sounded, Felix needed someone to be there for him. He couldn’t do this alone, he was hurt, couldn’t move, couldn’t remember everything fully, but it was alright. As long as somebody was there with him. As long as he didn’t need to be alone.

Hyunjin shifted and woke up, Felix lifting himself from the older one’s shoulder. “Morning.” The ginger chanted, caressing his fingers over Hyunjin’s soft cheek. The black-haired man yawned, stretching his arms and legs as he blinked and sighed. “It’s evening, dummy!” he complained and Felix smiled huffily. Hyunjin laughed a little and brought his hand from Felix’s waist up to the younger one’s shoulder, pulling him closer again. “Aren’t you cold?” he asked and Felix shook his head. “Hungry?” the way Hyunjin cared made Felix blush. “No.” he answered, smiling. “Want to take a shower? _Together_.” Hyunjin added the last part a little quieter and the ginger snorted. “That would be kind of nice now. _Together_.” Felix turned his face away as Hyunjin gave him a smirk. “Alright!” he shouted, hopping up and grabbing Felix by his wrists. “Try walking yourself! I’ll help you.”

Felix swallowed hard, letting his gaze fall onto the ground. He was robust to pain, but he was still scared of it. Because he didn’t know how much it would hurt to walk with broken legs, and he definitely knew they were broken. At least, after Changbin had beaten him. “I won’t let you fall.” Hyunjin promised and Felix blinked. ‘ _Okay, you can do this!_ ’ he told himself, his inward voice shouting at him and he wasn’t surprised as he didn’t even believe himself. Slowly, he slid his legs over the edge of the couch, letting them touch the ground and he winced, as even the slightest contact seemed to hurt more than he thought it would. “You can do this!” Hyunjin grabbed him by his upper arms, supporting him as the ginger slowly got onto his feet for the first time in a pretty long while. It hurt. It was awful actually, and Felix squeezed out a groan as he was about to let himself fall down, but Hyunjin caught him swiftly, slinging one arm around his skinny chest and prevented him from hitting the ground. Felix ached, coughing a little as Hyunjin lifted him into his arms, carrying him instead. “Sorry…” Felix murmured, burying his face in Hyunjin’s pullover. “No need to be. You’re hurt, after all. It’s my fault that I pushed you to do something you can’t do yet.” Felix felt taken aback by the answer. Probably because Changbin had always blamed him for everything he had done, but Hyunjin was so much more… selfless and nice. It felt wrong, replacing Changbin with Hyunjin, but Felix couldn’t deny that being with Hyunjin felt just so much better, so much more honest. Free. Felix felt free with Hyunjin. The thought of leaving, whenever he liked to, pleased him and he didn’t even want to go anymore. No, Felix felt good here, home already. He wanted to stay here with Hyunjin _and_ Changbin, but since the eldest one left him alone here he had no choice but to accept.

“Thank you.” Felix breathed unconsciously, grabbing onto Hyunjin’s pullover tightly as the elder placed him down gently in the bathtub, turning the water on after he had helped the younger one getting undressed.

“What happened with ‘ _together_ ’?” Felix asked shyly as Hyunjin looked at him with a surprised expression. “Ah yeah… Coming!” he smiled at Felix, turning around and letting his smile fall again. Together. Hyunjin lifted his shirt over his head and tossed it aside.

 

 

Felix sat wrapped in a blanket on his bed, a warm cup of tea in his tiny hands. Hyunjin was typing something in his phone and Felix looked at him curiously. “Whom are you writing?” Hyunjin looked up as Felix’s deep voice sliced the thick silence between them. It felt strange all of sudden. Hyunjin didn’t smile, wasn’t even too nice as he answered. “Changbin Hyung.”

Felix froze, feeling his heart dropping. He blinked confusedly, tilting his head as if he didn’t understand and Hyunjin smiled fake-softly at him. “Oh, you didn’t know?” What didn’t he know? “Changbin ditched _you_ , not me.” He huffed and Felix felt his palms getting sweaty. “But… you came here because you liked me… right?” He knew he sounded like a child, a very little child, but he couldn’t help it as he felt himself shrinking. “We’re staying together, right?” Oh, how much he loved to hear an answer.

Hyunjin smiled huffily, his eyes on the ground. Felix stopped. “No, it’s not that.” He looked up, still smiling with this soft and gentle expression and Felix felt as if the air he breathed wasn’t reaching his lungs anymore. “I don’t like you. I just wanted to know how easy to have you are.”

There was a long pause. Felix swallowed hard, blinking and registering the words Hyunjin had just said. Thinking. Not thinking. He felt his hands starting to tremble and his face getting hot. He didn’t know what to say when he looked up, meeting the other’s gaze. Strange, how sad he suddenly felt, actually, he wanted to cry. “By the way.” Hyunjin spoke, but Felix barely understood him. “You’re _very_ easy.” He turned around and, if Felix could, he was sure he would have grabbed Hyunjin and dragged him back. He had almost stepped out of the room fully before he stopped again, not looking back.

“No wonder Changbin ditched you.”

And there it came, the endless sadness at how _true_ Hyunjin’s words were. Felix slung his arms around his skinny torso, suddenly cold. Oh, how he wished Changbin was here right now. He wasn’t. He wouldn’t come back either. And Felix bent over a little, feeling so lonely and left and disappointed. The door slammed shut, making him jerk a little at the sudden noise.

He waited. Hyunjin was gone, he was sure about that and when nothing came anymore, no sound and no light from outside, he finally let it out, the tears. He let them flow out almost, the mental pain inside his chest and head never seemed to stop. No matter what optimistic things he kept on repeating inside his mind, it was no use. There he was: alone and hurt and nobody was there to be with him, stay and take care of him. He couldn’t move, apparently, he doubted that he was able to speak right now, a thick knot of tears stuffed his throat shut. He was a lost boy.

It was near Christmas now, not that it was cold outside, but the snow seemed to dim everything around him, every sound and every feeling he had. There’s nothing but him inside the house, which he couldn’t even call home, and the snow-covered trees around him. He wished for Hyunjin to return and just stay with him, he wanted Changbin to come back and pat his head, just how he had done it so many times already. And he wanted to see his family again, his friends, at least those he remembered.

He sat for a long time, he sat for the whole night, not only because he couldn’t move any further than onto the floor and back up into the bed, but because he felt sick to the bone, tired from crying even though he also felt sort of released now.

 

 

Hyunjin didn’t feel bad. Not even a little. He jumped over the small tree trunk, hopping into his little garden. He was home again. Finally. There’s no light shining from inside his small house, which he had inherited from his dead grandmother. He knew that Changbin was there, though. He rang the bell two times, waiting impatiently and tapping his foot to the ground. After a while, Changbin opened, wearing his beanie and a pullover Hyunjin knew he had taken from him. The elder looked at him a little confused. “Why are you here already? I’d have come tomorrow morning anyways!” He opened the door, pulling the younger one inside gently by his arm and closing the door behind him again. “Sorry, I missed home.” Hyunjin jerked his shoulders and pulled the smaller one into a hug. “What about Felix?” the younger one exhaled annoyedly, immediately letting Changbin go. “Fine.” He answered quickly. “So… he can stay?”

Yeah, Hyunjin had thought about it for a long time. He really preferred Changbin over this ginger brat, but he couldn’t deny that he wanted to break this soft, fragile human again and again. He wanted to see him suffer and go insane, lose his mind and become weak. Because right now, Felix was still strong. He had the face of a puppet, so soft and feminine that it was almost scary, but inwardly he was a fighter. And Hyunjin wanted to end his stupid arrogant thinking. He wanted Felix to break apart.

“He can.” Hyunjin muttered, taking his jacket off and tossing it onto the ground. Changbin sighed and picked it up for him. “So, you fell for him too?” Hyunjin snorted, making the elder laugh. “See! I told you!” Then, Changbin stepped beside him, slinging one arm around Hyunjin’s slim waist. “What have you two been doing in those three days?” Hyunjin swallowed. Should he be honest and say that they’ve literally been fucking and watching tv all day? “We had a good time.” He answered instead, feeling his face getting hot and Changbin gave him that look. The elder knew everything. “Fine… I didn’t really expect it to come out like this, but yeah. How’s he?” Why did Changbin only think about Felix? What about him? “He’s fine.” Hyunjin breathed out. He felt a little suffocated as Changbin didn’t ask him how he was. “I missed you a lot.” He quickly added and Hyunjin turned his head towards the elder, his cheeks pink. “Y-you did?” He didn’t miss Felix then? Only him. Changbin liked him more than Felix. Changbin pulled him even closer. “Of course, I did!” he pressed his head to Hyunjin’s chest and Hyunjin felt himself melting again. How weak he was for that one man. “Let’s sleep here, I’m sure Felix survives one night without us.” Hyunjin chuckled, knowing that the younger one must be crying by now. Still probably. He didn’t care. “Alright. Let’s go to bed again, I’m tired and we still have some time.” Changbin was sleepy, Hyunjin knew, but he himself felt so awake and full of energy that he was sure he wouldn’t sleep anyway tonight. However, sleeping with Changbin… he didn’t say no to that.

 

 

The next morning Hyunjin woke up before Changbin, admiring him silently as the elder slept peacefully. “I love you.” Hyunjin murmured, hoping the elder would hear in his slumber and remember that Hyunjin was the _only_ one in his life and that Felix was nothing more than a burden to both of them. Changbin snorted, blinking a little. “I know.” He answered and Hyunjin felt a little let down as he expected something like ‘ _I love you too_.’ However, he knew Changbin was not like this. The elder would never ever admit liking anyone out of the blue. “Want to go home?” Hyunjin felt almost thirsty to see Felix again. How done and depressed the younger one looked right now. He wanted to scare him, make him feel anxious and relieved the same time. This brat. Changbin nodded a little, smiling slightly as he stretched himself. “Let’s go.”

 

 

Changbin opened the door quietly, not really caring to be quiet somehow as he stepped inside, followed by Hyunjin. “Lix?” he shouted, throwing his bag aside and hanging up his jacket, waiting for some seconds. Frowning, he shouted again as he didn’t get an answer. “Felix!”

No answer.

Changbin suddenly felt worry rising inside of him. What if the blondie had some sort of panic attack, or even worse, what if he had gotten hurt from his injuries? “Hey, Felix!” he quickly went over towards Felix’s room, not really bothering leaving Hyunjin all alone as the younger one settled himself on the couch comfortably and took out his phone.

Changbin thought something seemed off. The second he stepped into Felix’s room, just when he saw him laying on his side, back facing him. “…Lix?” Was he dead? Changbin felt hot. Adrenaline and guilt and fear filling his mind. Hyunjin hadn’t killed him, right?

Right?

“It’s me.” Changbin murmured, stepping a little closer and worrying about how skinny the younger one looked. He hadn’t fed him right and Hyunjin hadn’t fed him right either. Deep down, he knew that Felix wasn’t really dead, but he was scared of carrying consequences and the blondie’s burdening feelings. “It’s Changbin.” Changbin didn’t even know what to say, or to do anymore. He softly placed his hand on Felix’s shoulder, noticing him wincing slightly and he saw that the younger one had his eyes opened widely, staring at the wall in front of him and Changbin gulped hard. Why wasn’t he saying anything? He inhaled sharply, ready to ask on even though he knew Felix would probably not answer.

“I thought you ditched me.” He muttered to Changbin’s surprise, turning his whole body to lay on his back and stare up right into the older one’s face. Changbin huffed in response, smiling slightly at him. “I’d never. I told you.” Felix’s eyes made him feel uneasy. As if he really did something wrong. They were filled with pain and anxiety and Changbin didn’t know how to feel about this because he had never faced anyone with feelings Felix had. “You were gone so suddenly.” No, no… he wanted Hyunjin to like him. Changbin wanted to lock the younger one in his arms and tell him that it wasn’t like that, that he had always kept him in mind and hadn’t thought about anything else but him the entire time he was away. He couldn’t. Actually, Changbin was a coward. He could kill and murder, torture and rob innocent people, but he couldn’t show his true feelings. Emotions. Something he truly feared.

“I missed you.” Felix didn’t move as Changbin bent over his tiny frame. “I thought you’d never come back…” ‘ _Shut up, shut up_ …’ Changbin didn’t want to hear the younger one’s voice breaking like this. “But you were gone and I was alone and…” Felix was interrupted by a soft sob, but he didn’t cry. Almost thought. Changbin was sure the younger one’s eyes were swollen and puffy, what betrayed Felix. The blondie _had_ cried. A sudden anger at Hyunjin made it to his mind. What the hell did he do with the youngest one to make him cry and feel alone?

“Shh, I’m here.” Changbin leaned down, arms resting around Felix’s head as he buried his face in the blondie’s neck gently and pressed the younger one to himself. “I’m here for you and I won’t leave you ever again.” He shushed him, caressing over the other’s hair. Then, he noticed the blondie’s hair wasn’t really blonde anymore. “Hey… your hair?” he whispered, sitting up and twirling one single strand of hair in his fingers. “Red?” he couldn’t see it clearly because the light was too dim. “Ginger.” Felix let his gaze fall aside, he sounded disappointed. Changbin smiled. Ginger was pretty hot though. “What is it?”  he asked, caressing his fingers over Felix’s cheek. The younger one paused, looking down, before he lifted his eyes again and looked at Changbin. Deeply. “I’m so _ugly_ …” Changbin huffed at that, frowning, before he tousled Felix’s hair playfully. The ginger yelped, swatting his hands away. “Feisty!” the older one laughed and to his joy, Felix smiled as well at that and sat up properly. “I still like you.” He promised, patting the side of the younger one’s head gently. Felix shook his head, not really having it. “You could dye your hair green and I’d still love it!” Now, Felix looked up, eyes wide and shiny and Changbin swallowed. He was supposed to laugh, he couldn’t cry.

“Don’t cry…” what should he say? Felix nodded, no single tear escaping his eyes as he leaned closer, pressing his forehead to Changbin’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.” He whimpered and the older one bit his lips, caressing quickly over his silky ginger hair. “You know I love your smile.” He murmured, burying his face in the younger one’s hair. Felix only sobbed, his back tensing visibly and his face was getting hot. However, Changbin didn’t know what to do, how to calm him down because he didn’t even know the reason for Felix’s outbreak. “I’m just so happy that you’re here.” Felix slung his skinny arms loosely around Changbin’s rather slim waist, pulling him closer a little. “I’m so happy…” Changbin frowned, hugging him back safely. What was wrong with him? Didn’t Hyunjin tell him how it was?

“I’m here now.” Changbin pressed a soft peck to Felix’s forehead. He wouldn’t let him go, leaving had been a bad idea. He bit his lips in guilt. “I won’t leave.” As promising as it sounded, he knew Felix didn’t listen to him right now. Felix was somewhere completely different as he tangled his tiny hand into Changbin’s, holding him to tightly the elder thought it hurt a little. “Are you hungry?” he asked, unsure. The younger one shook his head. “Want to watch tv?” What would make him happy? Felix nodded after hesitating a little while and Changbin smiled, more to himself than to the younger one as he rocked him back and forth a little. “Fine then, let’s watch some tv.” His phrase faded as he got up, Felix head hanging low and falling a little as Changbin’s shoulder disappeared beside him. “Hyung.” He whispered, his voice hoarse and his eyes wide as he looked up, making Changbin see stars in them as their gaze met. The elder hummed in response.

“I love you.”

 

 

He didn’t even know why both of them seemed so distant and tense. Changbin awkwardly sat in between them, his right hand in Felix’s, his left arm wrapped around Hyunjin. He felt like a stranger all of sudden, the two boys around him seemed completely different, Felix had a somehow permanent down-phase and Hyunjin arrogantly starred into the tv, one hand on Changbin’s thigh. The eldest noticed Felix’s somehow annoyed stare though and asked himself what had happened between the two of them while he was gone. He sighed, taking his arm around Hyunjin away and switching the tv off. Then, he got up, stretching a little and turning towards the two men on the couch. “Well… how about going to sleep?” He knew both of them would give in easily, it’s not that they’d ever go against something Changbin wanted. Hyunjin stood up, giving Felix a short glance before he stared at Changbin. “I’ll sleep in your bed.” He said, making Changbin smile huffily. In all those years, Hyunjin had never slept over. He had stayed for the night to make out and stuff, but he always left before sunrise. And Changbin thought that maybe Hyunjin went because someone was waiting home for him, a parent, a partner. Maybe, it was because of his work. However, Changbin never asked and he understood what the taller one wanted.

He forgot about Felix, who sat up straight the second Hyunjin had finished his sentence. “Then, I’ll join you.” The ginger gave Hyunjin a provoking grimace and the latter hissed at his slightly. Changbin, on the other hand, didn’t mind. He jerked his shoulder, finding it amusing how both of them wanted him so desperately, and how both of them hated each other so much Changbin was actually scared to leave the two alone. “Fine, both of you, follow me.” He said, turning around and Hyunjin walked up too him too quickly.

“Wait…”

He stopped his tracks. Ah yeah, Felix was still unable to walk. He turned his head, looking at Hyunjin. “Go, get him.” He commanded softly and Hyunjin rolled his eyes, resting his hands on his hips, not moving. Changbin waited for a second, asking himself if Hyunjin was going to disobey him, but before he could ask the younger one if he _hadn’t heard him right_ , Hyunjin turned on his heels, walking back to the couch.

Felix didn’t even try making it somehow easy for Hyunjin as the taller one slung his arms around Felix body, the ginger looking so tiny and fragile in the giant’s arms. He lifted the younger one up easily, though, stepping loudly towards Changbin again. “What did you eat today?” Hyunjin groaned and Felix kept quiet.

 

 

It literally felt like a sandwich. Felix laid on his right side, his arms wrapped around Changbin’s torso. Hyunjin was to his left, his arm tangled with Changbin’s and his legs around the elder. They were so close, he felt their breath on his face, yet he was comfortable. He didn’t miss their heartbeat, the only two people he had. He loved both of them. Even though they fought and acted like little children. He found it amusing even, he didn’t even know how those two managed to somehow fall for him. He had them here, wrapped around his finger and in his power. Hyunjin obeyed him tamely and Felix did whatever he wanted him to do. It’s a new kind of power and Changbin liked it. He felt overwhelmed and he wanted more of it the same time, of the affection from both of them. It was as if he needed both of them in his life to feel happy, whole.

Felix gently pressed his lips to Changbin’s collar, making him turn his face towards the blondie slightly. He slowly brought one hand up to him, cupping his face lovingly and bringing his head a little closer even. The next second, Hyunjin wrapped his fingers a little tighter around Changbin’s other hand, snuggling his face into the elder’s shoulder and inhaling a little deeper. Felix was awake, probably to stare at Changbin and make sure Hyunjin didn’t try anything funny. And Hyunjin was soundly asleep.

Changbin sighed. He couldn’t choose between them. “Sleep now…” he murmured to Felix and the younger pressed himself even closer. “I love you.” Felix murmured pushily, not closing his eyes. “I love you too.” He knew what to younger wanted, or needed, to hear. Felix seemed satisfied however and closed his eyes finally. Changbin turned his head back, breathing calmly when suddenly Hyunjin’s voice appeared right beside his ear. “I love you more.” He didn’t sound arrogant or mad, he just sounded like a kid. “I love you too.” He whispered to the black haired one as well, hearing Felix huffing beside him and Hyunjin snorting in response. ‘ _Those two…_ ’ he thought, smiling.

 

 

 

 


	7. Old filth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix wants Hyunjin to disappear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fopen.spotify.com%2Fuser%2Fj235bahe1j4vy6wp0qqcxe3ls%2Fplaylist%2F1K43yYbxn4hLL3Tcf3235G&t=MTE1OWM0NDZjN2JmYmVhMzE3MGVjZGE0N2I2NjdiODk4N2RiMGJhOCw2TjdhMmtQeg%3D%3D&b=t%3Ays7tZ3_QCoX3NRpLzL9f_A&p=https%3A%2F%2Flilianajusic.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F183046683587%2Fvia&m=1
> 
> here's the link for the playlist:))  
> Attention!! This Chapter contains some violence;) You've been warned!!

#  Chapter VII

He was ungently woken up the next day. Or was it night? He didn’t know, he only knew that something cut off his breath and made him choke in panic. He ripped his eyes open, gasping for air.

Hyunjin stared down on him with piercing eyes, his face calm though. Felix held back a cough, his heart was racing inside his chest and he tried to keep calm as well, but failed. Hyunjin squeezed him down into the couch, practically sitting on him now and pressing his fingertips into the younger’s soft skin. “Sorry, barbie.” He whispered, bending down so his face was so close to Felix’s he could feel the other’s breath on his neck. “You stand no chance at all.” Felix shuddered when Hyunjin’s icy feeling lips touched his jaw, but he couldn’t bring himself to push him off, or hit him. No, strangely, when ever Hyunjin touched him all his strength was… gone somehow. He was weak against him, even though he knew the technique.

“You’re weak.” Hyunjin muttered, hands loosening around Felix’s neck and the ginger looked up fiercely. “You’re ugly.” The younger snorted back, feeling anger rising inside his chest and he squirmed against Hyunjin a little. “I’m what?” the other got angry as well, leaning in closer to Felix. “Ugly!” Felix was shouting now, his own hands grabbing Hyunjin by his collar. “I’m pretty.” Hyunjin bit his lip and the younger knew he hurt a soft spot.

“You don’t know what you’re doing, barbie!” Hyunjin spat. “You don’t know either!” Felix felt furious as he grabbed Hyunjin by his neck after he freed his hands. “Brat!” Hyunjin shouted, coming closer, even though Felix tried his best to push him off. “Ugly! He was not scared. He was not scared of someone like Hyunjin.

“That’s hot.” The sudden voice let both of them jump in surprise and Hyunjin sat up properly, but not letting the younger one go. Changbin stood in the doorframe, leaning his shoulder to the wall and looking at them. He stood in a shade, his face was almost covered from the shadow, but Felix thought he could see him smirking. “If I were you, I’d be glad…” he spoke to Felix when he stepped closer, his hands in his pockets. He stood beside Hyunjin, tilting his head and looking at the black haired one now. “He’s a pretty one, right?” Hyunjin swallowed and Felix knew exactly that the other was waiting for Changbin to compliment him as well. However, he blushed at the eldest’s words. Changbin found him pretty.

The eldest laid his hand on Hyunjin’s back, pulling him closer and whispering something to his ear and Felix wanted to hear as well, but stood quiet because he knew it was not for his ears. Hyunjin turned back, looking at Felix and laid his hands gently around the younger’s neck, letting his own tall body sink down onto him and Felix felt suffocated when Hyunjin stopped right in front of his face. He was so close and Felix swallowed hard. Then, the black haired pressed himself onto Felix, locking their lips and pushing his tongue into the other’s mouth.

He was powerless. Felix felt himself melting and Hyunjin grabbed the back of his head, driving his long finger’s through the younger’s orange hair and pressing him even closer. They were one. Just like they had been before.

“C’mon Felix, you like it!” Changbin’s voice sounded somehow cheerful, threatening and demanding on the other side, but Felix felt himself relaxing immediately. Changbin wanted to see this. So, Felix would give it to him.

Gasping for air, Felix grabbed Hyunjin’s skinny waist, blushing. He felt embarrassed actually when he inhaled sharply as their lips parted for less than a second. He felt Hyunjin moving on him, his body was alive and Felix found it intense almost how much he got turned on just by… him. He was breathing unevenly, had his eyes half closed and Felix asked himself what the other was thinking right now. Drool was running down his cheek when the black haired one pulled away, panting slightly, his hands now on the youngest’s face.

He didn’t know why, but all of sudden, the anger he inwardly held towards Hyunjin was all gone.

Hyunjin was a living human made of flesh and blood, his heart was beating hammer-like inside his ribcage, a framework of bones that held his body together. Hyunjin was alive. And Felix found that somehow… addicting.

He looked into the elder’s eyes, seeing stars shining inside of his pitch-black orbs that resembled crystals. Felix was stunned once again, was amazed at how indescribably beautiful Hyunjin was. The sweatpants he wore grew tight and Felix swallowed. He looked over to Changbin, who still stood beside them, watching them. “What is it?” he asked, making Hyunjin turn his head over his shoulders. “Join us…” Hyunjin murmured almost inaudibly and Felix felt released when he realized that his rival was unsure and somehow embarrassed as well. “Huh?” Changbin said loudly, tilting his head. “Come too!” Felix tried his best to not sound demanding, but failed, yet Changbin smirked.

“You like me a lot, do you?”

Felix looked at Hyunjin and Hyunjin looked at Felix, before both lifted their faces up at Changbin. None of them spoke, yet it was clear. They both were absolutely whipped for the eldest.

“Well then…” He stepped backwards a little, lifting his shirt and pulling it over his head, throwing it aside. “Let’s have some fun.” He smirked, stepping closer and Felix felt himself tensing. No, not with Hyunjin. Not again.

He shoved the taller one off him, with all his strength, feeling terrible as he realized that he was absolutely weak and defenceless against Changbin _and_ Hyunjin. And inwardly he knew that he’d not move when Changbin told him to.

“Come on.” Changbin said, getting onto the bed and grabbing Felix by his skinny upper arms, pulling him forward and making him stand on all fours on the much too soft mattress. “You won’t complain, will you?” Changbin winked at Hyunjin and then looked down, his hands on Felix’s neck now. “ _Will you_?” Felix wanted to scream at him, but he knew that even though it was a question it was not a choice. He couldn’t answer, yet he needed to, so he just let his face sink down and nodded tamely, feeling one hand wandering from his throat up to his head and patting him softly. “I knew you would be good.” Changbin murmured, caressing him gently.

Felix jerked all of sudden when he felt Hyunjin’s cold hands slipping under the waistband of his trousers and pulling them down to his knees. He felt his eyes watering. Changbin laughed huffily, pressing Felix’s face to his chest and looking up to Hyunjin. “Look who’s a bit shy!” The eldest grinned and Hyunjin snorted. “ _Shy_ … my ass…” he grumbled, sliding his hand in between Felix’s thighs and the ginger bit his lip as he felt himself reacting. He didn’t want to cry, but it was close to unbearable.

“I only want you…” Felix whined, looking up and Changbin cupped his face gently. Hyunjin didn’t care too much and went on, making Felix feel nauseous. “I don’t care what you want.” Changbin murmured, smiling and pressing his lips to the ginger’s forehead. “Hyunjin will make you feel good, I promise.” He started patting his head and Felix felt fear rising inside his chest. He didn’t want that, but nobody heard him, or better, wanted to hear him. He was a lost boy in the middle of a heavy rain storm.

He gasped for air, feeling a sudden intense feeling of pleasure heating him up, but it wasn’t Changbin who had touched him. When Felix laboriously tilted his head to look over his shoulder, he saw Hyunjin, the elder’s pitch-black piercing eyes staring right into his and the ginger swallowed. He didn’t know where to look, his eyes were wandering around, avoiding Hyunjin and avoiding Changbin. Was he only a toy to them?

“Do that again… please.” Felix felt himself blushing at the request, that made it out of his mouth even before he thought about it twice and it embarrassed him. Hyunjin grunted, leaning back a little and making Felix flinch hard and press his eyes shut when he touched him again. “Look who’s doing a good job…” Changbin looked at Hyunjin teasingly and cupped Felix’s puffy cheeks with both hands, not giving him a single glance. Hyunjin froze, letting his gaze fall aside. Inwardly, he felt jealous of Felix. Changbin only seemed to care for him, his feelings, for Hyunjin not at all though and he disliked it, the feeling of being the second choice. Especially for Changbin.

He huffed, feeling himself getting angry and he pushed down a bit too hard onto the younger’s frail body, making him wince in pain and a little hand shot up, grabbing his own hand and attempting to push it off him. Off his body, that’s what he wanted, but Hyunjin wasn’t a sub, he was stronger than Felix and he was determined to show that to the younger. He ignored him, not letting go when he rested his upper body on Felix’s back, unnecessarily making himself heavier than he actually was. “Told you, you’re easy…” he whispered near the blondie’s ear, making him twitch in discomfort. Felix’s arms started shaking a little and Hyunjin watched with satisfaction how the younger one suffered underneath him. How he let his upper body sink to the floor of the mattress, how he was panting by now because of Hyunjin’s weight and the pleasure he was receiving and of course because of the humiliation to really fall again for the hated elder, even after everything he had done to him. He was still weak for him.

 

 

He felt himself getting rocked back and forth on the old mattress. Hyunjin on him, Changbin in him, and himself feeling ashamed for enjoying it all. It wasn’t right, but it felt good, so good that Felix ignored his screaming heart that yelled at him to come to sense. Actually, he even was ready to feel more and to give more. Changbin was taking it himself, but Hyunjin was only giving Felix pleasure without having the younger returning the favour. Right now, Hyunjin was a toy to Changbin and Felix, not the other way.

 

 

Hyunjin was calm when he got off Felix, who was out of breath again, his feverish hot forehead was covered with a slight layer of sweat. Changbin breathed heavily as well, laying to Felix’s other side and looking at the ceiling. “Fuck…” he murmured, making both teens turn their head towards the oldest one. “Guess they’ll not only lock me up for murder and robbery, but also for being in a relationship with two minors…” he laughed, turning his face to see the others. He sat up, a little too fast and Felix wished for him to lay back down and cuddle, but kept quiet when Changbin stood up from the bed. “I’ll take a shower, see you.” Felix literally felt Hyunjin’s urge to tell him to stay a little longer, but when the black-haired one opened his mouth, Changbin had already left the room and let the door fall shut behind him.

“I hate you.” Felix whispered almost inaudibly and Hyunjin huffed. “As if I cared.” He ruffled Felix’s ginger hair ungently and Felix swatted his hands away. Hyunjin grinned. “You see, Changbin let me have you, you’re nothing to him.” He laughed and Felix felt anger rising inside him. “Sharing is caring, right?” Felix reached out for Hyunjin, but the elder dodged. “Just like he’s sharing you as well.” The ginger bit his lips when he spoke. Hyunjin went quiet. “You needed years to gain the attention I got in a few weeks.” He hissed, his voice was hard now and he felt triumphed when he saw that he hit a sore point. Hyunjin’s face was normal again, no emotion, yet his lips were quivering in anger. “You speak big.” He huffed, lifting his hand to Felix’s face, but this time, Felix felt the energy and the adrenaline inside his chest rising so quickly he didn’t notice when he automatically gripped Hyunjin’s hand before the elder could even touch him and he ripped him forward, making him fall. He was satisfied when he heard the “Ouf…” when the air was pressed out of the other’s lungs.

“The only thing that makes you attractive is your face.” Felix commented and earned a hateful glare from Hyunjin, when he got onto his legs again. “You little!” His voice was loud now and Felix widened his eyes in surprise when Hyunjin jumped onto him onto the bed, pinning him harshly, but Felix started defending himself, hitting out and aiming for Hyunjin’s exposed neck. Who cared if he killed him?

He stopped before he landed the punch. He couldn’t murder him… He was scared that Changbin would never forgive him.

Nevertheless, he grabbed the elder by his skinny shoulders, making him lose his balance and fall aside, turning tables and sitting on top of Hyunjin now. “Look, who’s weak!” Felix shouted, leaning in closer and Hyunjin turned his face aside. “Don’t you dare believing I fucked you because I wanted to!” The taller one tried to sit up somehow, but Felix pinned him harder, pushing his wrists down into the mattress and feeling amused as he saw Hyunjin struggling. “Oh, you don’t like me?” He could turn this into a game easily. _His_ game. “No, wait!” Hyunjin pressed his eyes shut as Felix took a swung in an attempt to slap the elder over his face, but stopped.

“What are you doing?”

Felix looked up and Hyunjin turned his head as well. Changbin stood in the door again, looking at both of them in a confusing stare. The ginger opened his mouth to speak, but no word came out. “He attacked me!” Hyunjin screamed and Felix felt angered once again. He should have hit him. However, he felt like being scolded when Changbin stepped inside, grabbing a towel he had forgotten before. “I can’t even let you alone for five minutes, is that it?”

Felix blushed at that and he felt Hyunjin tensing as well. Changbin let the tower fall down onto the floor before he moved closer to the younger two. He grabbed Felix by his skinny upper arms, making him sit up first and pulling him towards him. “Look, if you can’t behave, I have no other choice but to lock you away again.” Felix widened his eyes. “No, no… please…” he started begging and Changbin smirked. “You don’t want that, right?” Changbin asked, but he knew the answer already. There’s nothing Felix hated more than being alone in the darkness of that room he had locked him in before.

Changbin pushed him away slightly, before he yanked Felix off Hyunjin harshly, letting him fall down the bed onto the ground carelessly. It hurt, the ginger gasped as he hit the ground hard. “You know…” Changbin gripped him once again by his wrist, pulling him into the edge of the room and only letting go when Felix started struggling a little against his hold. “For being nasty, you’ll stay here for a while.” Felix looked up, feeling himself becoming pouty. ‘ _In the corner? Alone?_ ’ Hyunjin provoked him, so he got what he deserved, right?

“You know you did bad, _right_?”

Felix swallowed, not looking at Changbin. He waited. What would happen if he just kept silent? However, he found himself not being able to move against Changbin and even though he knew it wasn’t his fault, he nodded tamely, letting his head hanging low. “Stay.” Changbin caressed over his orange hair, standing up again and moving towards Hyunjin, who sat on the bed now, massaging his temples.

“Are you okay?” Felix tensed in jealousy. Hyunjin gave him a maliciously joyful look, before he turned his attention fully to Changbin. “I’m good.” He murmured and Changbin crawled onto the bed again, slinging his arms around the taller man and pulling him towards his chest. Hyunjin stared right into Felix’s wide eyes, grinning. ‘ _Yes, that’s right. I’m hugging your love and you can’t do anything about it_ …’

Felix gritted his teeth, crossing his arms. He hated looking at Hyunjin like this, he hated seeing the elder happy like this. And he detested not getting the attention he wanted from Changbin.

“Hyung!” he shouted a little too loud, wanting to destroy the moment for Hyunjin and the latter immediately let his gaze fall as Changbin turned around and faced the ginger. “What’s it?” he asked casually and Felix whined a little. “I’m hurt.”

Hyunjin gave him a death stare, but Felix didn’t feel threatened by him. He was still stronger than Hyunjin and the elder could do nothing about it. Changbin was his as well, he either shared him, or gave it up fully.

Changbin moved away from Hyunjin, sliding off the bed and sighing as he crouched down on the ground. “Where are you hurt?” he asked, a little worry in his voice. Felix swallowed. “My legs.” Changbin smiled softly. “They didn’t hurt before, right?” he had seen through the ginger and Felix was strangely embarrassed. “No, but…” “They didn’t hurt when _Hyunjin_ gave it to you all night.” The eldest smirked, grabbing Felix by his chin and turning his face up. “Now, now. Look at you!” Changbin patted his cheeks a little ungently. “You’re all red.” Felix was sure he was, he felt hot. He avoided eye-contact and swallowed. “I’m so-” Hyunjin cut him off. “He’s so needy, why don’t you abandon him?” Felix shot up a glare at the black-haired man on the bed, who was smirking at him. Changbin jerked his shoulders, his hand wandering from Felix face around his neck, to the back of his head and he felt himself getting pulled forward, rather tenderly. The eldest pressed the younger one’s forehead to his shoulder, caressing with his other hand over the other’s skinny back. “You know what?” Changbin was talking to Hyunjin. “I think he deserves some kind of… punishment.” Felix tensed at that and Hyunjin laughed. “Well, we could burry him alive.”

“I’m not doing that.” Changbin whispered to Felix’s ear, making sure Hyunjin didn’t hear them. Felix frowned, wanting to lean himself onto Changbin, but the elder pushed him slightly by his shoulders. “But you need to behave.” He ruffled Felix’s ginger hair gently, getting up then. “Then I can forgive you.” He added with a smile and the younger one let his head fall.

“ _I_ will go and look for some breakfast.” Changbin said, walking towards the door. “And you…” he looked at Hyunjin. “You’ll help the kiddo getting dressed.” Hyunjin let his shoulders fall in annoyance. “And _you_.” Felix didn’t know if the elder was glaring at him. “You behave. Like a good boy.” Like a good boy. His words echoed inside Felix’s head. Shame on him for troubling Changbin. He pulled his arms closer around him, shivering a little in coldness. Hyunjin didn’t really complain, but it was clear that the black-haired man was not happy. He seemed so pissed and ready to respond, but kept his mouth shut.

When Changbin left, Hyunjin turned towards Felix. “I will _not_ help you.” He spat and Felix casually jerked his shoulders. “Fine, it’s not that I need it.” The ginger replied, then, he pulled himself over the floor towards the wardrobe, reaching up to grab onto the knob, but not grasping it as he was too small and the closet too high. “Look at you!” Hyunjin laughed at him, standing up. Felix didn’t really care. He didn’t care what Hyunjin thought, or did.

However, he definitely did not saw it coming as the elder wrapped his muscular arms around his neck tightly, resting his sharp chin on Felix’s shoulder and the younger one gasped a little at the sudden… hug. “You know, you’re a needy little bitch that’s in my way.” Hyunjin chanted sweetly and Felix struggled. He would never give in to Hyunjin. He wouldn’t leave and he wouldn’t shrink beside him. “Fine then, I like annoying you.” He grumbled. Hyunjin snorted. “I like seeing you try so hard.” Felix froze, feeling rage now. Hyunjin always managed to somehow upset him more than he wanted to. The elder really wanted him to snap and hit back. Because Felix was someone to defend if necessary. And Hyunjin’s provoking made him feel inwardly so helpless and needy for real. He just wanted it to stop. “At least I try. You’re not even good.” He gave back, feeling weak with his response, but Hyunjin seemed to be taken aback anyway. However, the next comment seriously sent Felix furious.

“For someone who likes getting fucked every day by someone else you sure talk loud.”

Oh, he really thought that had been willing? Hyunjin still believed in it and Felix hadn’t blamed him until now because he _really_ did never defend himself in any way other than words. Nevertheless, this was enough. He turned around, surprisingly fast as he was sitting on the ground, gripping Hyunjin harshly by his neck and yanking him forward, slamming him onto the ground and taking him by surprise as he sat on top of him, panting as the sudden movement exhausted his still frail and hurt body a lot. Hyunjin squealed in anger, trashing around underneath Felix, before stopping all of sudden and looking up grinning. “This is how you safe yourself, hoe!” he shouted at Felix, kicking and hitting and squirming underneath the younger one and finally throwing him off him, attempting to grasp Felix, but the younger one was faster as he caught Hyunjin right again, slinging his arms around the elder’s skinny torso and waist and pinning him down, laying on his stomach and growling lowly. “You little bitch.” He cursed and Felix felt hurt. Apparently, he didn’t know why words could hurt so much more than actions, especially when coming from someone like Hyunjin. It’s not that he cared about him, but Felix couldn’t help feeling attacked by him. He was neither a hoe, nor a bitch.

“You disgust me…” Felix murmured, letting Hyunjin go all of sudden and reaching once more for the knob on the closet, succeeding and opening it finally. Hyunjin got up sloppily, patting the dust off his shirt and pants and as Felix looked up and their gazes met for a short second, he felt stunned. If Hyunjin’s personality only was as pretty as his face. “What are you staring at?” The older one spat hatefully and Felix quickly turned back, acting as if he didn’t care about him at all as he pulled out a black shirt from under a pile of other shirts, accidently making them all fall down onto the ground. He exhaled in annoyance, waiting for Hyunjin to mock on him again, but the taunts and the snide remarks he was waiting for never came. Instead, Hyunjin bent down beside him, silently, taking the four shirts (all black) from the ground and huddled them back into the closet. “You’re so clumsy.” He murmured then, but Felix barely heard it. “Sorry.” The ginger unconsciously replied, earning a slight pat on his head. It was so gentle he leaned into the touch, longing for someone to just… be there with him and rub his back and told him it’s _okay_. He really needed that right now. “Come one, I’m hungry.” Hyunjin pulled on Felix’s shirt. “And Changbin will kill me if I don’t bring you along.”

 

 

He just wanted a little bit of attention. And love. Oh yes, he wanted his memory back as well and he wanted to walk again. Walk, run, jump. Felix had never thought that he’d miss these things so much now, that he was unable to do them. Unable to use his legs anymore. He wanted to train again, he wanted to kick and dodge and so on. Changbin and Hyunjin were quiet, but Felix didn’t know if they were even taking notice of his presence. He silently sat on his chair, back arched a little and shoulders pulled close, staring at the plate in front of him. Hyunjin had brought a lot of food when they had arrived back here, so Felix was served an egg, a slice of bread with some jam and some strawberries. He loved strawberries, but he felt so not hungry right now that he even felt nauseous. “Eat, Lix!” Changbin sat beside him, but he was still so far away. Felix swallowed hard, obeying tamely as he took his bread, ready to bite, but not moving. He wasn’t hungry. Only empty, but it wasn’t an emptiness in his stomach. He placed the bread down on his plate again. “Aren’t you hungry?” Changbin asked with a full mouth, Hyunjin sighing beside Changbin. “It’s okay, don’t eat.” He took the dish in front of Felix and placed it in front of Hyunjin instead. “You can have it.”

Felix felt himself pouting and he wished he had eaten it. Hyunjin didn’t deserve it. “Hey, Lix, what’s wrong?” Since when was Changbin even calling him Lix? It felt oddly familiar and he felt a chill running down his back. He remembered a feeling, a _terrible_ feeling, but he didn’t catch what it was. Something troubled him, made him feel even more dizzy. It’s been a while since he felt like this, but it has also been a while since Changbin found him. There was still snow around the house, but it was not late autumn anymore and even though it had really only been like two months, he felt like he had spent his whole life here. With Changbin. “Lix?”

“Lix, you’re shaking.”

 

“Lix?”

 

 

“Lix?”

 

 

Felix opened his eyes exactly one hour and four minutes later. He groaned a little, but strangely he wasn’t in pain for once. All he felt was numb.

“Felix.”

Finally. His name. He opened his eyes, catching Changbin sitting beside him and looking down onto him, worry filled his eyes and Felix blinked against the light. “I’m awake.” He spoke softly, making the elder leaning over him and staring a little closer. “How do you feel?” Terrible. Empty. Lost. Lonely. Felix swallowed hard. “I’m fine, thank you.” Changbin exhaled, turning his head aside for less than a second, before he bent in again and only now Felix noticed his hand was in Changbin’s. “You almost gave me a heart attack!” Felix flinched at that, frowning. “Why?” he asked shyly and Changbin smiled huffily. “Well, you suddenly passed out, started shaking and murmuring some weird names to yourself, but I don’t know.” Oh. Felix looked aside, feeling his face getting hot and realizing that he was _extremely_ hot. The blanket, that covered him was way too hot. “Hyunjin went to get you some medicine, but it’s been a while. He should have returned about thirty minutes ago.” Now, Changbin frowned. “I’ll go and search for him, but I don’t want to leave you all alone by yourself like that.” The older one took out an old phone from his pocket and put it onto the nightstand beside Felix’s bed, making the ginger look up again. “My number is there, call me if something happens.” He was about to get up, but stopped as Felix grasped his arm and mouthed a soft “Wait!”. Changbin looked back, nodding.

“I… I really want a hug.” He felt like crying. Changbin looked aside, coming closer, but not close enough as he took Felix’s hands in his and removed them from him. “And Hyunjin maybe really needs help. I promise you I’ll take care of you later.” He apologized and Felix felt himself shrinking. When would later be? He let go though, even though he felt his heart aching now and heavy. “Okay.” Changbin nodded, before he left quickly. Felix had never felt so disappointed.

 

 

Hyunjin. Changbin. Hyunjin was gone. Changbin was gone. What was he even doing here? Felix opened his eyes again after what felt like an eternity. He wanted to find Hyunjin to make Changbin return quickly. He needed Changbin.

He knew he shouldn’t have, but he couldn’t help the need to find the older ones. And here he was, letting himself fall down onto the trunk of a fallen tree, panting heavily as he was only using one leg. One _good_ leg. Felix wasn’t sure if it was healed, it sure felt sore and hurt and Felix was close to going insane. Why in the world had he gone out? It’s not that he’d somehow find Hyunjin faster than Changbin. What if Changbin saw him like this? What if the older one thought that Felix wanted to run away again? He shuddered at that thought and found himself feeling desperate as he realized that all the way he had come so far he needed to go back as well.

“Hyunjin Hyung?” he shouted, he was sure he was loud, but nobody seemed to hear. Maybe, Hyunjin wasn’t here, maybe he was laid wounded and unconscious somewhere. What if he met a killer and was murdered on his way back? Not that Felix would mind, but he didn’t want Changbin to suffer. And he knew the elder would, because he had known Hyunjin for such a long time. Changbin would break, and Felix wanted to mind that. Otherwise, if Changbin broke down, he could take care of the older one as well.

“Lix?”

He froze, holding his breath and lifting himself up on his one leg. Did he hear right? Or was his mind playing tricks on him? “Hyung!” he shouted again, feeling panic rising all of sudden inside his chest because Hyunjin was clearly there, but sounded so miserable and weak that he couldn’t be okay. “Here…” Felix couldn’t register from where the voice came from, couldn’t say in which direction he needed to go. “River…” ah, there. Felix limbed over, feeling the pain increasing in his leg and in his spine as he sank onto the ground, pulling his body forwards painfully through the dirt and the leaves of the forest floor, dragging himself further and further, because he wouldn’t give up like this. There’s no way Lee Felix gave up just when he was literally facing his aim.

He gasped as the ground seemed to disappear in front of him, a little embankment right in front of him and then the river. With Hyunjin laying on his back, head bloody and grasping his left arm hard. “Where’s Changbin?” He asked and Felix felt himself getting sweaty. Oh no, how bad was this? Felix swallowed hard, then he let himself slide down the bank and landed right beside Hyunjin, slinging his arms around the older one’s shoulders and lifting his torso up from the cold, soaked stone-ground. “I’m sorry, we need to wait.” Felix hoped that Changbin would come. He had no idea if Hyunjin’s injuries were dangerous, or not. “S-someone pushed me and…” He was cut off by a wave of pain and Felix cringed at that. “What? Who?” Why? Felix felt himself growing nervous. “Changbin, he’s a cop, he wants to hurt him.” All of sudden, Hyunjin’s eyes spun and let himself fall down a little, resting his body on Felix’s side. “What do you mean? Did he talk to you?” Hyunjin gasped softly and shook his head, his eyes teary as he opened them.

Felix softly caressed a bang out of Hyunjin’s face, feeling the other’s soft milky skin underneath his fingertips. Hyunjin inhaled, looking un into the sky, his face calm, but his eyes sparkled. “I’m tired.” He murmured, blinking slowly and Felix felt the coldness around him engulfing him in sudden angst. “Stay awake!” he shook him slightly and Hyunjin grimaced a little when the younger hurt him like this. “Felix, I don’t want to die yet…” he spoke, feeling drool running over the side of his face. Felix swallowed at how desperate Hyunjin sounded, a teen that hadn’t even reached his twentieth year of life yet. “You won’t die, Changbin will be here soon.” Felix promised, cupping the elder’s face and tearing up when he realized he didn’t even believe his own words. Hyunjin blinked and closed his eyes and Felix heard him breathing. He was alive, he was still there. Nevertheless, he was so close to death that Felix felt his stomach twisting. Crap. Nobody would die from a simple fall like this, right? He even survived a plane crash, Hyunjin died from stumbling into a hole, that’s not even possible.

“Hyung…” Hyunjin whispered, feeling his sore and dry throat aching. He wasn’t calling for him, yet Felix felt helpless and desperate when the black haired one suddenly started calling out, his voice painfully shaky.

Felix trailed his fingertips over Hyunjin’s soft cheek. What was happening? Why was there someone in the forest? He couldn’t understand anything anymore and it drove him insane. Especially, when he heard a branch breaking from somewhere behind him and he turned, almost hopped, around to face whoever was approaching. Changbin? He felt panic rising. What if it wasn’t Changbin at all? What if it was the stranger that had hurt Hyunjin?

A tall, dark-clothed figure stepped out from between the bushes and stood on the bank, staring down at Felix and the ginger felt his heart dropping in anxiety.

This person was _not_ Changbin.

However, as the figure stared down on him, his eyes widened a little and he frowned afterwards, stepping closer and jumping down onto the stone-ground beside Felix. The ginger didn’t move, couldn’t, he was holding tightly and protectively onto Hyunjin on one hand, and on the other hand he felt petrified and frozen. “Finally!” the stranger crouched down to Felix’s level, bringing his hands to the smaller one’s shoulders and making him wince in horror. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. “I’ve been searching for you.” Was he talking to him? His voice made him feel nauseous and anxious and he looked up as well, meeting the taller one’s sharp eyes. “ _Felix_?” Why did he know his name? “Lix, it’s me.” Lix? Why did he suddenly feel shaken? Felix couldn’t help leaning away, backing off as much as possible, but the man left his hands heavily on his lean shoulders, even after the ginger started shaking his head almost hysterically. “Who are you?” he couldn’t think of anything better.

The man waited a second, frowning, before he let his smile fall and he looked mad. Felix felt himself shrinking, feeling as if he did something wrong and didn’t know what. “Don’t act as if you don’t know me, _Felix_.” He really didn’t know. He couldn’t remember. And then, realization hit him. “Did you push my friend?” he asked, his voice a little fierce and full of temper and he found the strength to swat the hands off his body with one arm. “Why did you do this?” he felt furious. The man only chuckled. “Oh…” Felix waited, he really felt curious. “When I grabbed him, he started screaming your name. So, I thought that you’d come and ‘safe’ him when he calls.” Now, he was smiling again and Felix felt chills running over his body. Why did this man grab Hyunjin in the first place? Why was he after him? “Don’t touch me!” Felix shouted, taking his other hand off Hyunjin as well as the man attempted to grasp him again by his wrists. “You’re so annoying…” The man huffed and took his hands back. “You lost your mind.”

“I did. I had an accident and I can’t remember.” Felix changed his tone a little, hoping to seduce this man a little. If he knew Felix, then he sure could help the ginger finding his memory. The man laughed, standing up properly and crossing his arms. “And you want me to believe that.” He spat, making Felix feel strangely, yet familiarly guilty. “I’m n-not lying!” he shouted to his defence and the stranger opposite of him jerked his shoulders. “Fine then, my name’s Seungmin and I’m your _friend_.” Felix had goose-bumps on his arms as he looked up, not taking his eyes off ‘Seungmin’. How the man spat his phrases made him feel dizzy almost. What kind of friend was he? “And you’re Lee Felix, you’re from Australia and you like cream-noodles the most.” Oh, now as he said that… Felix was really carving for cream-noodles. And that he’s Australian was nothing new, everybody could just say that. However, what if he told the truth and really was his friend? “If you’re my friend…” he spoke up, trying hard to stable his shaky voice. “Bring him back with me.” He pointed at Hyunjin and Seungmin sighed. “Are you sure?” He seemed more evil than nice. Was he really friends with someone like this? The ginger nodded, eyes wide and he swallowed as Seungmin bent down, slinging his arms around Hyunjin’s unconscious and suddenly small-looking body. “Do you know a _Seo_ _Changbin_?” Felix widened his eyes, freezing way to obvious as he met Seungmin’s gaze again. “U-uh…” he stuttered, not knowing if he should deny it since Changbin was a wanted serial killer. What if Seungmin was a cop? “I know the answer already, I just wanted to see if you’re honest with me.” Seungmin cut off his thinking and Felix swallowed hard. “Sorry.” He breathed, making Seungmin turning around with Hyunjin in his arms. “What the hell is wrong with your legs?” he gasped and Felix felt embarrassed. “Accident.” He couldn’t tell him that Changbin had done that to him to prevent him from running away. “Aha.” His so-called friend didn’t believe him and Felix felt ashamed again as he blushed. Why did he feel like he constantly did everything wrong?

 

 

After half an hour, they finally reached the little house again. Seungmin was panting heavily under Hyunjin’s weight and Felix was limping weakly beside him. There’s no light inside, but Felix was sure Changbin was home. Just as he wanted to speak, the front door opened loudly and the said-one stormed out, frowning once his eyes caught Seungmin. “What?” he couldn’t finish as Felix stumbled forward, throwing himself against him basically and the older one caught him swiftly. “He helped me bringing Hyunjin back.” Felix murmured into Changbin’s ear, but he wasn’t happy. “What the hell are you doing? What if he runs to the police?” Changbin gripped him a little too hard by his upper arms. “Hey!” Both of them looked up and Seungmin let Hyunjin fall to the ground, not so gently, and he clapped his hands as he stepped forward. “Don’t touch him!” he hissed and Felix noticed Changbin swallowing as he looked up. Seungmin was a giant, just as Hyunjin, compared to Changbin. The older one huffed and smiled unbelievingly, before he turned towards Felix for one second. “Are you for real?” he asked and Felix looked down casually.

“Are you for real?” Changbin asked again, rising one brow and eyeing the surprisingly tall man opposite of him. Seungmin stared right back, his face fierce, his eyes sparkling in temper. “What do you mean, ‘ _are you for real’_?” The taller one imitated him, taking Changbin a little aback. Someone who’s not laying to his feet and obeying every word he said… he didn’t like the idea, yet he found it amusing. “Who are you?” the black-haired snickered, stepping a little closer. The other didn’t back off a bit, crossing his arms in front of his skinny chest and pulling his brows up provokingly. “I’m Kim Seungmin, Felix’s _friend_.”

Changbin felt fear rising inside his chest. This guy was a threat. He could take Felix away from him probably and if that wasn’t enough, he could give the police a hint where the wanted killer and robber they’ve been searching for years is.

“Why are you here?” Changbin asked then, feeling Felix’s tiny hands clenching to his own. Seungmin, on the other hand, smirked huffily, letting his gaze fall down onto the ground, before he lifted his eyes again. “I came to take him back.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. The last of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin has a problem: Seungmin doesn't want to leave  
> However, Hyunjin starts feeling more towards the mysterious red-head, much to Felix's disadvantage. . .

#  Chapter VIII

“Your _friend_ , huh?” Changbin threw the door shut behind him, making Felix look up from his seat. The elder smirked, resting his hands on his hips as he stepped closer, standing right in front of Felix and making the ginger look up with wide eyes. “Actually, I can’t believe that you’ve had friends.” He felt like being stabbed by the other’s words. Stabbed, over and over again. It hurt. “So… you were playing, huh? You’ve waited to ditch me here and go back to that guy, haven’t you?” Now, Felix eyes changed and he opened his mouth to speak. “That’s not true!” He yelled at the elder, taking him aback slightly.

Changbin raised his hand, making Felix turn his head low in the expectation of getting hit now again for talking back, but the hit he was waiting for never came. Instead, he felt Changbin placing his hand on his head gently, playing with his hair. It was silent between them again and Felix dared to rise his eyes again, feeling comfortable somehow at the elder’s tender touch. “Your dye is all grown out… shall we give you a new colour?”

Felix smiled softly, meeting Changbin’s eyes as the elder bent down, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead to Felix’s. The ginger swallowed, asking himself if the black-haired wasn’t angry with him, but throwing the thoughts away when Changbin pulled back, caressing over the younger one’s face. “You know I can’t live without you.” And Felix swallowed hard. He didn’t know. It didn’t always feel like it, but right now, he felt as if he fell into the warmth and softness of a cloud, something warm and comforting.

Oh, how he _doted_ Changbin…

Felix swallowed, blinking as one bang fell into his eyes. He nodded, leaning into Changbin’s touch and feeling so well like this he started to feel sleepy. “I love you.”  Felix murmured, closing his eyes. The elder bit his lip. “I love you too.” He pulled Felix by his wrists up towards him, pressing the younger against his chest. “That’s why I can’t let you go.”

It was about to be perfect.

“You think you can keep him like a pet?”

The sudden voice, that sounded mocking and slightly amused, made both of them look up. Seungmin stood there, leaning against the doorframe with crossed arms and a smile on his face. “Because you can’t. I’ll take him back.” He moved and Felix tensed at those words. He didn’t remember this guy, what was he after? Why would he take him back? Changbin inhaled sharply, ready to reply, but Felix was faster. “I don’t want to.” Seungmin’s face fell back to emotionless and the ginger was sure he could see the older one being a little troubled as he stepped closer, making Changbin stand up and shield the youngest one. “Don’t touch him.” He growled, making Seungmin stop. The taller one stood so closer and Felix could tell Changbin shrank. Not only in height. “Make me!” Seungmin was crazy. And strong. He was much stronger than Changbin and easily grabbed him by his shoulder and threw him aside, literally, making him land on the ground hardly and Felix swallowed, not taking his eyes of his love as Seungmin approached. Then, he felt himself freezing as he was pulled up onto his feet, his legs wobbly and unsure and he felt an immense pain rushing down his left leg and was about to fall again, but Seungmin grasped him before he could, slinging his arms around his tiny body and holding him up. Felix hated the way Seungmin resembled Changbin, he hated that he felt himself slacking in the older one’s strong hold as he lifted his gaze, eyes filled with temper and slight rage at how this person treated him. “You don’t remember? Or do you not _want_ to remember?”

Felix felt chills running down his spine as he met Seungmin’s piercing eyes. He didn’t know what it was, but this man was… intimidating. A painfully long second passed, before he felt himself getting ripped away and thrown onto the ground ungently. “I’m sorry, you can’t have him.” Changbin hissed, standing over Felix protectively as Seungmin casually stared down onto him, not really caring about the elder. “I can,” now, Seungmin looked up, eyes wide as a smile spread once again on his lips. “Because he used to be mine.” Felix felt his heart dropping. What nonsense was this man talking about? He didn’t remember him, didn’t remember being in a relationship. Why would people like Chan and Jisung come to his mind, but not someone he ‘loved’? “Used to. Times have changed.” The eldest spat as Felix sat up again, not even complaining that Changbin had literally shoved him down onto the ground like that. “He’s _mine_.” He felt himself blushing, his face getting hot at Changbin’s words even though didn’t want to show how much he liked him actually. However, his body betrayed him and he was red like a tomato the next second, dragging himself backwards until his back hit the wall behind him.

What if Seungmin was right? What if he wasn’t a bad person at all? Felix swallowed thickly, blinking as Changbin turned his head a little, throwing a quick glance at him and he asked himself what this meant. “You know,” Seungmin spoke up, his voice sounded much too loud for the silence, that hovered over them like a heavy cloud. “I’ve been waiting for you.” He was talking to him, Felix knew. As he met Seungmin’s eyes he couldn’t see whether the older one was a friend or a threat. Nothing really made sense. Why would he wait instead of searching for him? Felix blinked, feeling sleepy all of sudden. This was tiring. “I want to stay here.” He whispered, almost inaudible, but both of the others understood clearly. Changbin smirked. “See? He doesn’t want you.” Seungmin gritted his teeth at that, shooting the eldest a look of hate. “He doesn’t know what he wants.” He replied, eyes glued to Felix, who shrank even more into the wall as he brought his hands up to his chest. He just wanted Seungmin to leave.

“He does.” Seungmin growled at that. “No, he’s a confused air-head that lost his mind and I’m here to take him back, so move!” Changbin got angry as Seungmin stepped closer again, pushing past the smaller one easily and coming closer to Felix, who only looked up, not even attempting to fight back as Seungmin crouched down before him, grabbing him by his shoulders firmly. “Felix.” His voice was serious, yet soft. Felix would never get used to this voice, tender, yet fierce the same time. It scared him that he was so much like Changbin. “Come back with me.” He begged now, but Felix didn’t even listen anymore. He didn’t need this person in his life. Only Changbin. “Please let me go.” It was barely more than a breath, but Seungmin froze, his bony fingers tightening around his shoulders painfully for one second, before he let his hands fall aside, huffing and smiling unbelievingly.

Sighing, Seungmin got onto his feet again, crossing his arms and looking down onto Felix mockingly. “Ungrateful brat…” he murmured, shocking Felix enough to make him look up as well with wide eyes. He was a brat? He hadn’t believed it when Hyunjin had called him like that, but with Seungmin telling him that he was he felt like one. “I’m sorry.” Felix sniffled, his thoughts on Changbin, his eyes on Seungmin. “ _Sorry_ … Do you even listen to yourself?” Seungmin imitated him huffily, smiling to himself as he looked away, taking his gaze off Felix for a second. A mistake.

The next second, Felix jumped in surprise as a loud thud echoed through the room, the harsh sound of something hard colliding with a human made him shiver and Seungmin fell down onto the ground heavily, his eyes shut. Blood streamed down his whole face now, forming a little puddle underneath him and Felix swallowed. Changbin was a little out of breath as he let the bat fall down beside him, clapping his hands. “And that’s how you get rid of someone you don’t like.” The older one smiled and Felix looked up with wide teary eyes. Did Changbin just… kill someone right in front of his eyes? “What…?” he felt his throat being dry and it was almost painful to speak. Changbin bent down, slinging his arms around Felix’s neck tenderly and buried his face in the younger one’s hair, inhaling deeply his scent. Felix felt his hands shaking, but he couldn’t bring himself to push the other away. Then, Changbin murmured soothing things into his ear, making him feel even worse.

“ _Kill_.”

“I’d _kill_ for you.”

 

 

“Hyung, he’s alive…” Hyunjin murmured, his hands cupped Seungmin’s face, but not in a loving way. “Good, I can cut off all his fingers to make him know his place.” Changbin had Felix placed in front of him, between his legs, making the ginger leaning backwards comfortably and resting his back on Changbin’s chest. The elder’s arms were safely wrapped around Felix’s waist and the youngest one noticed Hyunjin’s jealous, piercing stare. However, he suddenly felt the courage to speak up and before he could even register, the words, which he had held in for so long finally came out.

“I just saved your life, man up and show some respect!” He was tired of Hyunjin treating him like a child. Hyunjin gasped and snapped another hateful glare at him, before he turned back to Seungmin. “In face, this guy here saved me. You did nothing but cry around.” “ _You_ were crying!” Felix felt angry. Changbin patted his hands carefully, shushing him. “Stop fighting, you two… I’m tired.” Both of them looked up then. “Sorry, Hyung.” Hyunjin murmured, looking down. “I’m sorry, Hyung.” Felix said as well in a deeper voice, diving in deeper and cuddling into the older one’s chest. He felt so warm and comfortable. With Changbin driving his hands over his own and over his waist he felt safe. “You stay.” Felix opened his eyes at that, nodding softly, because he knew Changbin tried to speak as low as possible, for Hyunjin not to hear them. “Right?” was it his choice? Felix didn’t know. However, it didn’t need to be his choice, since he stayed anyways. “I’m not leaving.” It’s not that he could bear being apart from Changbin. The older one hummed in response, burying his nose in the back of Felix’s neck, and he felt his tickling breath ghosting over his skin. How could he ever replace this precious human being with someone like Hyunjin? Inwardly cringing and staring at Hyunjin for some time, he decided inside his head that he’d never ever look at someone else than Changbin. The older one was his world, his spirit. Felix needed him.

“What are we going to do about him?” Hyunjin’s soft voice made them both look up. Changbin snorted. “I’ll kill him.” Hyunjin turned his head over his shoulder, giving the older one a thoughtful look. “But I want him to live.” Felix almost chocked. He had nothing against getting rid of this man. What was the point in letting him live? “Are you out of your mind?” Changbin’s voice was harsh and Felix knew that it was too harsh for Hyunjin. “ _No_ , but he saved my life.” He looked like he tried to shield Seungmin away from Changbin as the older one stood up, making Felix fall back a little and miss the loss of warmth immediately. “He tried to take one of us away.” He shot Felix a look. “He tried to split us apart…” turned back to Hyunjin. “I’d fight for you just as I fought for him.” Felix knew Changbin had won. Because Hyunjin was shrinking more and more, but he stood protectively over Seungmin. “I want him to live.” His voice was strong, yet he sounded like a stubborn child. Changbin sighed loudly, stepping back. “Fine, I’ll let him. There’s no point in fighting you.” Hyunjin was taken aback by that. “But…” Changbin’s voice was loud as it echoed through the room, making the younger one look up as a few black bangs fell into his almond shaped slit-eyes. “If he tries to take him away again, he’s done for.” The threat was real and Felix melted at those words. Changbin cared so much for him.

 

 

Seungmin opened his eyes with a groan. Blinking, his blurry view slowly got clearer, and the dim pain in the back of his head increased every second. What had happened? Then, realization hit him and he jerkily sat up, his head feeling like it would explode from the sudden movement and the ache made him press his eyes shut. He way laying on a bed, a heavy and much too hot blanket covered him and he was thirsty. “Morning, sunshine!” What? He opened his eyes again, blinking slowly as the person beside him came to his view for the first time ever since he had woken up. Seungmin swallowed, it’s _that_ boy. He hadn’t noticed him standing there. “Hi…” he replied, bringing one hand up to burry his face in his palm. “I saved you.” The taller one smiled, hopping onto the bed and kneeling in front of Seungmin now, much too close for his liking. However, as he finally understood what the other just said, he was already frowning and leaning away. “Huh?” he didn’t believe him. The boy with the raven-black hair smiled cheekily at him, coming even _closer_ and Seungmin thought that if he’d lean any more back he’d fall. “I saved you from being killed!” Great. So, the infamous serial killer Seo Changbin really was here. With him. Oh, deep down, Seungmin hoped that the kid, that had saved him, had stabbed the murderer or something like that. “Ah…” He thought of a good answer, but gave it up right away as the boy placed his hands around Seungmin’s legs on the bed, and Seungmin couldn’t help his breath hitching a little as he took a closer look at the raven-haired. Wow. He had never felt flashed by someone’s looks, especially not by a man. However, this one was… stunning. Much better than most women he knew.

“W-what’s your name again?” he asked shyly, inwardly cursing at himself for stuttering like a weak little girl. “I’m Hyunjin.” He smiled even brighter, and Seungmin asked himself why. “Hwang Hyunjin.” “Kim Seungmin.” He greeted, wanting the boy, Hyunjin, off of him. The other didn’t really got the message that he was uncomfortable. “You know…” Why was he so close? “I can forgive you for pushing me!” Oh, for real? Only in the rush of adrenaline and the disappointment because he weren’t Felix back then he had pushed Hyunjin, he hadn’t meant to hurt him like this. “I’m fine, look!” he turned his head and showed a bandage at the side of his head and Seungmin swallowed. “I didn’t mean to…” he got cut off as Hyunjin smiled widely, turning his face back, right in front of Seungmin’s face. He felt the raven-haired one’s breath on his face, but he wasn’t really disgusted by it. “It’s okay. It’s not that anybody cares for me here.” He sighed deeply and leaned back. Finally. Seungmin relaxed and took a relieved breath once he had sat himself properly. Hyunjin was staring elsewhere at the wall, at the ceiling, resting his hands behind him.

“Why does nobody care for you?” He really felt curious. Why would anybody want to stay with a killer anyways? Hyunjin, however, turned his attention back to him, his faded smile was quickly on his lips again. “Because Changbin replaced me with that weird barbie and ditched me.” “You mean Felix?” he wasn’t particularly paying attention to how Hyunjin felt, but at the word ‘barbie’ he got keen of hearing. “Yes…” Now, Hyunjin seemed confused. “How do you know him?” Should he tell the truth? Nah, no way. “I’m his friend.” He simply said, smiling as well because the other didn’t stop grinning like a crazy idiot. “Ah… can you take him with you?” Seungmin widened his eyes a little. Yes, he wanted that. However, why would Hyunjin want Felix to leave? “You don’t like him?” he chuckled and Hyunjin pouted. “No.” he looked aside. “He just appeared out of nowhere and stole my whole life.” So, this brat thought that he could somehow free himself and run to another man? Well, it was difficult to find him, especially after he had gotten to know that his so-called ‘love’ was a wanted serial murderer. “And _Hyung_ didn’t even fight for me.” Was he referring to Changbin? Seungmin felt nauseous. What the hell happened between the three of them?

“It’s not easy to survive if Hyung’s angry!” Seungmin nearly jumped in shock as Hyunjin leaned forward again, coming closer once more. “So, _I_ saved your life!” He chanted and Seungmin tried to find a reason for his happiness. Maybe, Hyunjin was mentally just as destroyed as Felix?

Felix was tough, didn’t cry easily and always tried to be positive, but there was more underneath this layer of happiness. Felix was actually weak inside, shattered already and he needed a person to give him a proper hold in his life. He was a boy practically, someone who couldn’t live without someone else, he needed to depend and to trust on someone else because he didn’t know when he was right, or wrong. Before, it had been Chan. Chan always took care of Felix, and of course, there was Jisung as well. However, it was mainly Chan, who took Felix under his wing like a father. Seungmin was jealous. Hyunjin seemed just like this. Clawing onto some senseless love, only to be painfully ripped apart from it.

“Hey… I said I _saved_ you.” Pouted Hyunjin and Seungmin looked up from his thoughts. “Oh, yeah…” he sounded like a kid, waiting to be praised. He was so much like Felix. “Thank you, well done!” he patted Hyunjin’s head a little, pulling his hand away a bit too quickly. Hyunjin, on the other side, became red like a tomato and Seungmin didn’t know that this bright grin could grow even wider. He _really_ was just like Felix. And he was pretty handsome. Seungmin couldn’t deny that.

“I like you.” Hyunjin sounded like a needy little child. Seungmin chuckled. “I like you too.” He wasn’t sure about Hyunjin, what the taller one really wanted, but he was absolutely sure that this boy would stand behind him.

“Do you like Changbin?” Hyunjin looked up again, eyes wide. “Yes, I like him a lot!” he answered way too fast and Seungmin found it amusing. “What if I can make him like you again?” Crap, he didn’t know if he could. However, he was sure after he took Felix away from those two… psychos, Changbin would sure like this kid more again. Inwardly, he felt bad for Hyunjin. Depending on a serial killer like that, wasn’t it horrible? “That’s impossible.” Hyunjin let his smile fade and Seungmin quickly brought his hands up to Hyunjin’s face, cupping it gently and stopping him from looking away. “It’s not, really!” he did his best to sound promising. “No, Felix…” “I’ll take Felix with me and you’ll be alone with Changbin again.” Seungmin cut him off and stared into his deep, pitch-black eyes. Wow, he really was absolutely, stunningly handsome. Hyunjin swallowed, his face getting soft. “You can do that?” What a dumb question. Seungmin smirked, his red-dyed hair fell into his face and covered his eyes slightly. “Of course, I can.”

 

 

As scary as it sounded, Hyunjin felt somehow addicted to Seungmin. It’s not that he had deleted Changbin out of his mind like that, no, he would never let this little sparkle of hope inside his mind die out and fade. He’d always wait. Because that’s just how he was, always hoping, wishing for his Hyung to return to him.

Seungmin sat beside him now, they were in the kitchen. Hyunjin was preparing some food for the two of them and the other was just casually watching over him. Changbin had already eaten and taken care of Felix, and to be honest, Hyunjin wasn’t keen on asking the ginger if he was hungry. However. Normally, people’s stares made him uncomfortable, but Seungmin was somehow okay. The older one, Hyunjin had asked him many questions and got to know that Seungmin was a whole year older than him, was quiet by now, soundly chewing on some noodles Hyunjin had cooked for him.

“So… what are we going to do?” Hyunjin exhaled and placed the cup-noodles beside Seungmin on the table, sitting down onto one of the tall bar chairs. “We?” Seungmin coughed a little. Cute. Hyunjin chuckled and smiled, more to himself than to Seungmin. He was sure the older one thought that he was crazy by now. “I mean, what are we going to do about Changbin Hyung and Felix?” Seungmin relaxed visibly and swallowed his noodles. “Hey! What were you thinking about?” The taller one slapped the red-haired one’s upper arm slightly, earning a fake-piercing stare. “Did you just hit me?” Hyunjin laughed, grabbing Hyunjin by his waist and pulling him closer, slapping his shoulder playfully. “Forgive me!” shouted Hyunjin and let himself fall down onto Seungmin’s nap. He was giggling, and for some strange reason, Hyunjin made him feel the same as Felix did. Just that he didn’t want to break Hyunjin, since the raven-haired one came to him freely just like this and not like Felix. No, Felix basically had run away from him, given him the work to find him, find out that he had even stolen an airplane to get arrested and not needing to see him anymore. And of course, that he had had an accident. Seungmin found out all about it, he knew more than the police. He had found him again, and this time, he wouldn’t let him escape.

“Hyung.” Hyung. How odd, to be called Hyung… All his friends were older than him. Oh, all except one. “What is your plan?” Seungmin smirked, leaning down close enough to whisper into Hyunjin’s ear. “We’ll send our little ginger boy to dreamland for a while.”

 

 

Hyunjin wasn’t as silly as he pretended to be. Actually, he was pretty smart even. He didn’t know how, but Hyunjin somehow managed to speak to Changbin and make him allow Seungmin to stay in the living room _with_ Hyunjin. It was comfortable though, Changbin and Felix seemed to not exist at all as he sat on the large couch, one arm thrown over Hyunjin’s shoulder, the younger one leaning down on him. Seungmin felt strange. Hyunjin made him forget about Felix, even if it only were some minutes, he found himself needing to drag his mind back to his actual plan and not just take Hyunjin with him. Hyunjin. What a nice name.

Hyunjin always carried his sleeping pills with him, in his pocket, because he hated not being able to sleep, so, at least the younger one didn’t need to walk the whole way home again to get them. Now, they just needed to wait for a good opportunity. Felix was stumbling on one leg from time to time into the room, holding himself up on the wall beside him, stopping when he saw Hyunjin together with Seungmin and turning on his heels just to disappear again. Hyunjin told Seungmin that the ginger wanted to reach the kitchen, because Changbin was there and read some newspaper. Great. If the two of them were separated, Felix wouldn’t get the help he needed from Changbin in time.

It wasn’t difficult to put the sleeping drugs into Felix’s glass at all. And Changbin trusted Hyunjin much enough to accept a drink of him as well. Seungmin was sitting on the couch in the living room, Hyunjin beside him once again. In the reflection of the black screen of the tv, Seungmin could peek into the kitchen slightly, seeing that Changbin was already asleep. The older one was sitting on a chair, his torso laying flatly on the table and Hyunjin would have loved to take a look at him too, because Changbin looked incredibly cute when he was asleep.

“So…” Seungmin jumped up, Hyunjin following him with that sheepishly evil grin on his face and the older one was sure he had never seen anyone so… maliciously happy about getting rid of someone. Well, Seungmin got rid of Changbin, Hyunjin was getting rid of Felix, so it was alright for both of them, even though Seungmin couldn’t deny that he’d loved to stay with this mysterious black-haired man a little while longer. Not just a little one. Seungmin wanted to ask Hyunjin to follow him too, but he knew this was impossible, because Hyunjin detested Felix and Changbin was still more important to the younger one than Seungmin was.

Sighing inwardly, he creeped into Felix’s room, finding him sitting on his bed and watching him enter with confused, wide eyes. Oh. Why wasn’t he sleeping? Seungmin froze, feeling caught and awkwardly stepping aside as Hyunjin entered beside him. “Lixie!” the black-haired one shouted a little too sweet. Felix tensed visibly and swallowed. Oh, this face, this fear and unknown written all over the ginger’s face… it gave Seungmin this weird, fluttery feeling inside his stomach again as he watched him closer. “What do you want?” Felix seemed rather angry, than scared though and Seungmin huffed slightly at that, smirking. The glass of water stood beside him, still full. “You _know_ you should stay hydrated when it’s cold outside!” Hyunjin saved him, coming closer and bending down slightly, so his face was on the same level as Felix’s. “I’m not drinking anything from you.” The younger one was determined and stared back courageously. To be honest, if someone who didn’t know Felix tried messing with him, he’d be scared right now of this look, but the thing was that Seungmin knew Felix and Hyunjin wasn’t really scared of him either. The ginger, however, didn’t seem to realize in what a wicked situation he was in right now, only as Hyunjin moved closer, so close he even kneeled onto the bed and grabbed Felix by his upper arms, the younger one started fighting back, almost hitting Hyunjin in the face, but luckily, the black-haired dodged this one. “Watch out, Hyun, he’s for real!” Seungmin laughed mockingly, making Felix stop his movements for a second to shoot him a piercing stare, before going, or wanting to go back defending himself. However, this time, Hyunjin was faster, throwing himself at Felix and pulling him down onto the bed along with himself as he trapped the ginger underneath him. “You know, Changbin won’t forgive you if you hurt me!” Hyunjin giggled and Felix let his hands drop aside. “You…” he growled, his voice so low Seungmin felt a shiver running over his spine. All the time he had stood there, watching the scene, how Hyunjin attacked, Felix defended and let it go because Hyunjin’s words were stronger than Felix. It wasn’t a secret that the ginger was easy to manipulate.

“Hold still!” Hyunjin grumbled, grabbing Felix’s wrists tightly and pushing them aside as Seungmin stepped closer, grabbing the glass of water and kneeling down onto the bed as well, opposite from Hyunjin and Felix, the youngest’s eyes never leaving him. “Get off!” Felix attempted to sit up, almost throwing Hyunjin off and freeing himself, but Seungmin was faster and used one hand to push Felix’s head down again, making him shout out in distress and frustration. “GET OFF ME!” he yelled, so loud Seungmin was a little taken aback and scared even that Changbin might not be really asleep and come to check what’s wrong. “CHANG-” he was uncarefully shut up by Hyunjin as the black-haired one took a swing and slapped Felix across his cheek, harsh, almost cruel, but it was enough to make him inhale sharply and start breathing a little hitched. “Come on, Lix! Since when do you fight back?” How sad it was, but Felix really never hit back. He did Taekwondo, second degree black belt even, yet he couldn’t punch someone who wasn’t at least as good as him. Maybe, he was just scared? Seungmin thought about that a lot, that Felix had not only no control over his mind, but also no control over his power. He might didn’t know when to stop, or when he hit too hard. “No, wait…” Felix swallowed and Seungmin turned his attention back to him, Hyunjin still holding him down, with both hands again by his shoulders. “We won’t hurt you, we just want you to drink something.” Seungmin’s voice was awfully cheerful as he brought the glass to Felix’s face. He couldn’t force him to drink, right? Felix would just spit it out, or won’t even open his mouth in the first line. As expected, Felix shook his head, turning his face aside and biting his lips. However, Seungmin was smarter than that. He was the one in control, the one with power.

“If you don’t, I’ll make Changbin drink it instead.”

Felix jerkily turned his head back, eyes wide and lips slightly parted, the look of panic and worry sparkling in his eyes and Seungmin chuckled. “What?” he laughed. “Don’t you find it weird that he’s not here? Not even after you called for him?” He knew he had won. Felix let his head sink back, blinking against the bright light coming from right above him. Hyunjin let him go, sitting up properly and Felix stayed how he laid, unmoving. He was defeated. “What did you do with him?” his voice was shaky, but it wasn’t clear if it was because he was angry, or desperate, or scared. Those thoughts again, seeing Felix suffer and wail while being scared for his life and in pain. It was cruel, yet it was somehow giving Seungmin those certain shivers and a fast heartbeat. Tamely, Felix parted his lips, lifting his head slightly and taking a sip, drinking it all up as Seungmin guided the glass on his lips. How satisfying, how obedient Felix was. Like a dog. Or a doll, because a dog still had his own will. Felix swallowed the last drop, bringing his hands together on his chest and folding them. “At least tell me what it is.” He begged, still not moving. He could run away, right? However, he didn’t. Didn’t even attempt to. “You’ll stay hydrated, as I already said!” Hyunjin smiled, softly now as he caressed the back of his hand over Felix’s slightly puffy cheek. It was only a little act of affection, yet the ginger leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. “Lies…” he mumbled and bit his lips again. A bad habit Seungmin had tried to make him get rid of. “You always lie to me.” He opened his eyes again, big, honey orbs fixated on Hyunjin and the black-haired one seemed taken aback for a second. “You’ve always lied to me.” He was right. Hyunjin was a liar, because he looked somehow bothered. “You lied that you liked me…” Felix pulled his hands over his eyes, taking both of them aback at the sudden breakdown. “You lied that I’m beautiful…” he sniffled. “And that I’m worth something.” Hyunjin pressed his lips together and Seungmin just enjoyed seeing Felix suffer like that. Because why not? It was exciting him in a strange way. “You even lied that you came back because of me! You haven’t thanked me that I’ saved you either…” he was blaming Hyunjin and Seungmin asked himself if Felix had ever blamed anyone else in his entire life. Probably not, because he started to become a mess right now.

The drug sure needed a while to show some effects, and with every minute, Seungmin’s anxiety that Changbin would wake up and kill him for stealing Felix again grew. Any when, Felix laboriously sat up, shaking a little with every breath he took. He sat in between Hyunjin and Seungmin, none of the older ones dared to speak. Only Hyunjin had started to softly rub circles on Felix’s back after a while. “Liar… liar…” it was the first time Seungmin had actually seen him cry and break down like this. Felix, who he thought was _oh so strong_ and robust against every hit and every word was, in reality, nothing more than a human who was extremely soft inside. Seungmin hadn’t even noticed that the ginger was leaning now against Hyunjin’s shoulder, the older one just blankly staring ahead with his arm around the younger one’s slim waist.

The hiccups and the sniffles turned into mere whimpers, until it was completely quiet in the room, with only Felix’s soft breathing keeping them awaken. Hyunjin yawned then, looking over to Seungmin, who was blinking. “Hyung, I think he’s fallen asleep now.” He got up, letting Felix fall aside carelessly and the red-haired one winced at that a little. “Man, what a nuisance.” Hyunjin exhaled, driving his hand through his raven-black hair. “Hyung?” he asked, making Seungmin look up finally. He couldn’t believe it. He had him. Felix was _his_.

He got up as well, smiling softly as Hyunjin came closer to him, suddenly leaning in for a soft kiss to the older one’s lips. Seungmin didn’t pull away though, he liked it in fact. Hyunjin was so… perfectly made for him. “I wish you could stay.” He murmured as he brought his muscular arms around Seungmin’s tinier frame. He wished that too, but Changbin was in his way. And he couldn’t kill him, Hyunjin would never forgive him. On the other hand, he had searched for Felix for almost half a year, had dropped his job and stopped going to school, had abandoned all his friends except for one to search for this ungrateful brat. To have him here now, knocked out and broken, made Seungmin feel so many emotions that he couldn’t even order them correctly. He just felt an immense excitement. “Hyung, will you come by?” Changbin would kill him though. “I want to remember you.” Hyunjin pushed his nose into Seungmin’s red hair, inhaling deeply. “I want to remember your scent and your voice and…” he stopped, pulling away slightly, face so close to Seungmin’s that the red-haired one blushed slightly. “I want to remember the way you smile at me.” He leaned closer and Seungmin closed his eyes, feeling Hyunjin’s soft, cool lips on his once more, a bit deeper than before, but still so gentle. “I want to remember the way I feel about you.” Finally, Hyunjin pulled away, looking aside. Seungmin was frozen, licking his lips. “You confuse me…” he admitted, making the younger one look up. “You confuse me so hard I don’t know if I love you, or if I don’t…” He couldn’t love him, Changbin loved him. And Hyunjin loved Changbin, they belonged together, right? However, Felix had been with Jisung as well and Seungmin hadn’t hesitated a second to rip him away from the annoying black-haired air head. If Felix remembered, he’d hate Seungmin for that. Jisung didn’t deserve him though, Jisung was an idiot, much too loud and uncaring and uncareful for someone as subtle and shy as Felix. Right? His Felix was a shy little puppy, not strong, not unwilling to anything. _Felix_. His purpose to live. Seungmin couldn’t just give him up like this. “Let’s get him out of here.” He didn’t notice he had started breathing a little harder than before. Hyunjin didn’t smile as he watched Seungmin taking Felix over his shoulder swiftly and leave the room.

 

 

“My number.” Seungmin pressed the rip of crumbled paper into Hyunjin’s hand. The black-haired one was still not looking at him, biting his lips from time to time. He knew the taller one wanted to say something so badly, but didn’t know how. It was good though, he didn’t know if he could leave if Hyunjin really told him he wanted him to stay. “I want to call you five times a day.” The younger one admitted and Seungmin chuckled. “Do it, I’ll answer every single one.” He promised, Hyunjin gripping onto the rip of paper and blinking slowly. “You need to go, right?” he asked, his voice low as he let his gaze fall down onto Felix, who was still sleeping. “I guess I should.” He should. “One day, I’ll come back.” He quickly added, making Hyunjin look up with sparkling eyes. “When I’m over Felix. I’ll take you with me and I’ll shower you with all the love and affection you deserve.” Seungmin cupped Hyunjin’s cheek gently, rubbing his thumb over the younger one’s face. Hyunjin grabbed his hand on his face, pressing it to him and closing his eyes. “This kid really takes everything away from me…” he breathed, holding back tears now. “I’ll come back.” Seungmin repeated, stepping away. “I promise.” He turned around, not looking back as he shoved Felix into a wheelbarrow and left with him. He couldn’t look back. If he saw the look on Hyunjin’s face, he was sure he wasn’t able to leave like this.

He swallowed. Felix. Felix was with him now, he needed to forget about Hyunjin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... here we go;) I'm sorry for the long wait, the next chapter needs some time as well, forgive me for that, hehe:')   
> I promise the next one's gonna be a little longer than this one, I hope you enjoy Chapter 8 as well though! I'm a little sorry for Felix here because yeah… Seungmin's pretty mean (evil laugh)  
> Have a nice day guys!! Love y'all:3


	9. Sociopath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before he knew it, Changbin had lost both of them...

 

#  Chapter IX

Changbin felt fuzzy, confused and dehydrated as he awoke again. He licked over his lips, trying to swallow, but feeling his throat aching. “Lix…?” his throat was killing him. “Jin?” he slowly started to understand. Water… he needed to drink. Inhaling deeply, he grabbed the glass of water beside him, bringing it to his lips and taking a sip, then, another one, until the glass was empty. Actually, he felt terrible. And the headache didn’t stop as a sudden voice appeared from behind him. “Hyung!” Hyunjin… The next second, two arms slung around him and he felt groggy and dizzy as the taller one rested his chin in the older one’s shoulder. “How was your sleep?” Exhausting. Changbin felt like he had been sleeping for two days straight, so tired… he could barely hold his eyes open as he let himself fall back and lean against Hyunjin comfortably. “Where are the other two?” He heard the younger one gulping audibly.

Instantly, he got suspicious.

“Hyunjin, where’s Felix?” he opened his eyes, despite feeling as if someone had stepped onto him. The taller one didn’t answer. “ _Hyunjin_. Where is Felix?” He wanted to get up, but Hyunjin held him down without much effort. “I’m sorry. Seungmin took him.”

_Stay awake._

Changbin shot up, just to be held down by Hyunjin once more.

_Don’t fall asleep._

He didn’t even know when Hyunjin had pinned him down on the floor, pressing him down easily by his shoulders.

_For Felix._

For Felix. He needed to stay awake. Hyunjin was smiling at him and for a second, he felt his world going black. “Hyung.” He wanted to sleep. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry…”

 

 

 

When Felix opened his eyes, he felt weird. He was cold and couldn’t really move. However, he understood the situation he was in rather quickly, blinking against the sunlight that shone through the pine trees. He was outside, being carried by something strangely comfortable, yet hard. And he was cold, so, so cold. “Hyung…” he gasped, his voice hoarse as he moved a little, noticing his hands were tied in front of his chest and so were his legs. He sat on a wheelbarrow, going forward anywhere in the forest. “Wakey, wakey!” shouted Seungmin from behind him, making him jump in shock. “Seungmin?” his voice faded, eyes wide as he spun around in his seat, coming face to face with this scary grin. His heart fell as he registered that his hands and feet were tied together. “What are you doing?!” he shouted at the red-haired one, making him huff in response. “Taking you back, idiot.”

Felix felt helpless as he struggled to get into a comfortable position to somehow get off the thing carrying him, just when Seungmin stopped. The ginger was about to roll over the edge and land on the ground as he heard a sigh coming from behind, then, two bony fingers clawing at him, one hand tangling in his hair, the other grabbing him harshly by his pullover and he was yanked back ungently. “I can carry you, if you’d prefer that.” Seungmin took the wheelbarrow again and lifted it, walking on without giving a care anymore to Felix speeding-up breath. “Why?” the younger one was close to loosing it. His eyes were still swollen and his cheeks were puffy from before, from his breakdown, and Seungmin just didn’t seem to notice it a little bit. “Why?” he asked again, turning his torso, so he could face the older one again and made him look down. “Because I want to.” Came the answer and Felix swallowed. “Don’t bite your lip!” the ginger jumped in scare as Seungmin suddenly shouted at him. He didn’t even realize he had been chewing on them. “I tell you every day, but you just _can’t_ listen.” The older one scolded and Felix shrank back, turning away again and pulling his shoulders close to his body.

“You’re so annoying.”

“It’s all your fault.”

“Why can’t you listen?!”

“Which part of _NO_ didn’t you understand?”

So many voices started shouting at him inside his head, so many voices, yet they all belonged to this one person. Finally, Felix realized who this voice belonged to. Seungmin. “Who are you?” he asked, embarrassed for his weak, shaky voice, and he pulled his knees up to his chest. Seungmin only laughed. “I told you already!” he didn’t believe that. Seungmin wasn’t his friend. Chan was his friend, his neighbour, whose name he still couldn’t remember was his friend. “Liar.” He mumbled, looking aside and watching how they passed by trees. “I might be a liar, but at least I’m loyal.” ‘ _You’re sick_ ’ Felix wanted to correct him, but stood silent as he let Seungmin talk down on him. “The day you ran away I knew you wanted to flee. But I still came here, _all the way here_ , just to get you.” Seungmin exhaled and Felix froze. This wasn’t sweet, this way possessive. “And where’s the thankfulness?” Stop… “You still are an ungrateful, disobedient brat.” No… “You’re dumb, ugly and you can’t listen. That’s why nobody likes you!” Felix felt himself curling up into a small ball, trying to shield himself from all those words. He felt terrible, and he felt even more terrible as he realized he slowly started to believe what Seungmin was said.

“Changbin likes me.” He whispered, more to himself than to Seungmin, but it was no use anyway and the older one broke out in a shrill laughter. “ _Nobody_ likes you!” he mocked. “Nobody but me.” Lies. Felix told himself that it were all lies. “I came here for you. Only for you.” The wheelbarrow stopped. Felix wanted to scream as he felt those skinny, yet strong arms wrapping around him, uncarefully tugging him backwards into a hug. He felt the red-haired one’s breath on his neck and he pressed his eyes shut. “Now, it’s only you and me.” Seungmin whispered, caressing Felix’s face softly. The younger one pressed his eyes shut, gritting his teeth.

“Don’t touch me…” he whispered, feeling his face getting hot. He would never give in. He wouldn’t break because of Seungmin. The red-haired one behind him let his arms fall again, huffing behind him as he grabbed the wheelbarrow once more, lifting it up again and Felix fell back a little into the uncomfortable seat. Actually, the ginger expected the other one to say something, but Seungmin stayed quiet then, staying silent as they went on.

 

 

 

Eyes crusty, face swollen and head aching. The inward hammering against his forehead didn’t stop as he reopened his eyes, inhaling deeply. Hyunjin. Where was Hyunjin? What had he done?

Changbin hated the was he was weak like that. He laboriously forced himself up in a sitting position, groaning and bringing one hand up to his face. Jesus, he couldn’t remember when he last had felt like this, like he hit his head. Damn. Where was Felix?

He remembered Hyunjin saying something like Seungmin had taken the ginger with him. Oh no, what a catastrophe… what a disaster! Changbin shot up, feeling his view getting black for less than a second before he felt safe on his feet again, stumbling through his house. “Hyunjin?” he shouted, feeling his head aching at his own voice. It was so loud, yet it was too quiet. Changbin’s eardrums felt like they’d explode any second. “Jin?” he shouted again, his sense of hearing getting dim. “Hyung?”

He spun around, meeting the younger one’s familiar face, just centimetres away from him. However, it still felt as if Hyunjin was talking to him through a wall.

“Hyung!” Changbin blinked, exhaling. “Hyunjin… where’s Felix?” he knew he let the black-haired one down, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help liking Felix more than he wanted to. “Hyunjin, please.” He grasped the taller one by his skinny upper arms, making him face him, because Hyunjin had turned his face aside, a disappointed look on his face. “Am I not good enough?” Those piercing eyes… how he hated being intimidated. Hyunjin wasn’t good enough, and to be fair, he felt bad for him. He had all rights to detest Felix, because the ginger crashed into their life, took Hyunjin’s place and Changbin’s feelings. Felix stole Hyunjin’s whole life away.

What a greedy person Felix was.

However, Changbin was just as greedy, only Hyunjin was not.

“Hyung…” He turned his face back, facing the taller one. Hyunjin seemed rather sad than relaxed. The older one actually thought that Hyunjin would be glad now that Felix was gone, but right now, it seemed different. The exact opposite in fact. “Changbin Hyung.” Hyunjin kept on calling his name, but Changbin’s mind was somewhere else. “Talk to me, please.”

“Shut up.”

Changbin didn’t mean to sound that evil, but he couldn’t help the anger rising inside his chest. “It’s all _your_ fault!” Hyunjin winced, biting his lips and letting his gaze fall aside. “You planed this, huh?” The older one went on, swatting Hyunjin’s hands off his shoulders ungently. “You were playing all the time.” As no answer came back, Changbin knew he was right. And Hyunjin was wrong. “Sorry… Hy-” he couldn’t finish as Changbin cut him off. “I give you three seconds to go down stairs and lock yourself inside the room.”

Hyunjin tensed, eyes widening as he looked up again, lips starting to tremble. “N-no, pl-please!” He begged, his voice shaky and his eyes sparkling in fear. Changbin knew of Hyunjin’s phobia of darkness and locked rooms. However, Hyunjin’s history was a different one, he almost never really thought about it. It’s not that it wasn’t terrible, Hyunjin’s life had been a nightmare, but Changbin was a selfish person. “Go.” He commanded, pointing his finger to the entrance that led down into the basement. “It’s not my fault!” The sudden outbreak of tears took Changbin aback a little though, but he stayed hard. “Go, I don’t want to see you.” He knew he had him in his hand. Hyunjin had gotten awfully obedient after his little stay with Felix. The younger one swallowed once more. “Please, Hyung…” he whimpered, making Changbin almost go soft. Almost. “Three,” he counted, his voice rising a little and he saw the horror and the anxiety sparkling in Hyunjin’s eyes.

“Please…”

“ _Two_ ,”

Hyunjin tensed before he shot up, lips trembling as he quickly made it out of the room and downstairs, out of Changbin’s view. However, as the older one heard the slamming of the door and the lock cracking he knew Hyunjin had done what he was told to. And he wouldn’t free himself, no, because he knew Changbin told him not to. He would stay there, in the darkness, until the older one would come and tell him it’s okay now.

Changbin smirked to himself. That moment wouldn’t come soon and he found it strangely exciting to lock Hyunjin up. From time to time, he loved hearing him break down and cry, or hammering his fists against the door, shouting and begging for Changbin to release him. It gave him some kind of chill, the feeling of power he loved. Hyunjin being helpless and weak, even though he was much taller than Changbin himself. This beautiful, tall and strong human being, trapped and tied down with the look of desperation and fear sparkling in his dark eyes. He knew he was a sadist, an egoist. It was just like that with Felix as well. Just with the difference that he didn’t need to apologize for his actions, Felix just forgave him anyway because he didn’t know what was his fault and what wasn’t.

Felix and Hyunjin. Hyunjin and Felix. So much alike, yet so different.

Changbin swallowed, laboriously dragging his body towards the exit and leaving his house, stumbling a little before he stopped, checking his pocked to feel the smooth and shiny metal of his gun sparkling in the dim sunlight. He grasped it hard, gritting his teeth in a grin and letting a shadow fall over his face. Today was the day Seungmin would die at his hands.

 

 

 

 

 

 _Changbin felt weak, his legs felt weak, his head felt empty. The shot wound on his shoulder didn’t make it any better, no, it hurt like hell. He was in the middle of nowhere, trees and darkness surrounding him as he limped through the forest, the fear of anyone seeing him, or even worse, a policeman finding him made him chatter his teeth a little from anxiety, paranoia and pain. This stupid headache… these damn wounds everywhere. He wouldn’t last long, he was a realist. Before he would even reach the city, or his colleague (well, partner in crime literally) he’d bleed out and die. Sirens, everywhere. They were so close and Changbin felt himself loosing all hopes he had. He was so screwed. In a failed attempt to somehow get over a fallen tree trunk, he slipped, falling down and landing on the ground harshly, his shoulder sending a shock-like wave of pain through his whole body and making him groan. He was covered in mud and dirt and blood as he dragged his body underneath the fallen tree, squeezing himself under the hard and cold wood and praying. He didn’t believe in god, but now, he just wanted,_ hoped _to get away. He must return to his partner, he must contact him somehow. And his prey too. His prey. He closed his eyes, falling into a deep, black hole of unconsciousness and unawareness._

_Jerkily, he opened his eyes, feeling his sore throat aching and his shoulder still aching. It was cold, apparently, it was icy. It felt as if it was winter, even though it was only early autumn. Changbin crawled out of his hiding place, scanning the area around him, then looking at himself. Now, in daylight, he looked even worse than he had thought. He was glad he couldn’t see his face. However, there’s a little stream right beside him, a little river, or maybe, it was a big one. His senses of seeing, hearing and realizing were dimmed and he couldn’t help the need to get closer to the water, diving his hands into the coldness and splashing it to his face to wake himself up somehow. Never in his entire life had he been so glad to have water. Clear, flowing water._

_“Hello?”_

_He froze, his tense shoulder making him bite down onto his lips as he sat up straight, grabbing for his gun in his pocket, but not aiming as he turned his face slowly, facing the voice. This wasn’t a cop. A policeman would say something like: “Freeze!”, or “Hands up!”, but this one was different._

_“D-do you need help?”_

_Changbin almost laughed. The boy looked so lost and confused, like a little kid. “I can help y-you… if you’d like to…” Oh, he needed a lot of it. Even though Changbin didn’t trust anyone, he couldn’t deny that the kid had something… innocent. So pure and small, yet strong and robust, masculine, yet feminine._

_That’s how he got to know Hyunjin._

_A mysterious boy, living alone and all by himself a little offside the city near the forest. He had taken Changbin to a little hut in the woods, not far from the little river, and Changbin would have loved to remember the way properly, but his mind was too dizzy from the night before and the blood loss, which kept him weak somehow and also made him trust this strange teen he had met only a few minutes before. Nevertheless, he trusted him. He needed to trust him even. Because he knew he’d die out here alone._

_“I’m Hyunjin. Hwang Hyunjin.”_

_The teens second phrase fell as Changbin laid comfortably on a bed, a blanket covering him and his wounds cleansed and patched. He didn’t know the younger one’s motive to help him, but he was glad now to have met him. However, he felt unsure what to say, if he should really give his name price. How would Hyunjin react?_

_“I know who you are.” It took the burden of one question off him at least, but he wasn’t sure if he should be glad about it, or not._

_“You’re Seo Changbin.” Yep, he might be screwed._

_Nothing he had ever felt was close enough to describe the intense and unbearable pain that shot through his body and paralyzed him for an awfully long feeling second as Hyunjin dashed forward all of sudden, grabbing Changbin harshly by his neck and sitting on top of the killer’s chest, making him gasp for air._

_It hurt, yet Changbin wasn’t really… scared. He knew some murderers and psychos looked cute and innocent, but he knew how they looked. And Hyunjin didn’t look like a killer at all. No, Hyunjin couldn’t kill, not even if he were threatened with his life, he couldn’t. So, Changbin laid there, enduring the pain in silence because he knew that all pain would stop any when. Some just lasted longer than others._

_“Will you kill me if I let you go?”_

_The grip around his throat loosened a little and to be fair, Changbin felt taken aback. He didn’t expect a question like this. Not at all. “Answer!” Hyunjin smirked and Changbin felt his heartbeat speeding up. Something on this kid made him shiver, but the same time he felt like he could look right through him. “Why would I kill you?” Why would he? Hyunjin saved him, after all. Who would kill his saviour? “I read stories about you.” Changbin swallowed. Oh yeah, the medias. Talking big and spreading ghost stories about him without even knowing the truth. “So, will you kill me? You can be honest, I don’t mind dying.”_

_Dummy. Changbin huffed, blinking weakly against the light. “If you want me to kill you, I can.” He didn’t let his eyes off. Eye-contact was one of the strongest weapons a human had and Changbin loved using it. “However, I won’t if you want to live.”_

_Hyunjin sat up, looking down onto Changbin for a while, before he let his gaze fall aside, biting his lip a little. “What if I wanted you to stay?” Changbin almost chocked. What a dumbass, what an idiot. Staying with_ Seo Changbin _, the wanted serial killer who’s widely known and followed by the police. “You don’t need to!” Hyunjin was quick to hold him back down as Changbin tried to sit up properly, pinning him by his shoulders on the mattress and Changbin immediately gave up struggling as he felt his shoulder moving in a painful way, followed by a little crack of a bone colliding with another bone in his body and he feared that Hyunjin had just broken his shoulder blade._

_A pained groan left his lips and he threw his head back in pain. Hyunjin winced at that, letting him go a little. “S-sorry, I didn’t mean to!” he almost shouted. Changbin was rather annoyed, than intimidated, but anyway. “Don’t move… please.”_

_Changbin couldn’t help the laugh, bringing one patched hand up to his face to shield his eyes from the shrill light from above. “You!” he shouted back, letting his hand fall down onto his chest. “You’re a little psycho, aren’t you!” Hyunjin swallowed, leaning back and looking like a little child that had just been scolded. “No, I…” He looked aside, inhaling and Changbin patiently waited for the answer. “You what?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_He got off Changbin to sit onto the edge of the bed instead, letting his legs hanging down. “Look, kid.” He laboriously sat up as well, gasping and panting in the process just to get himself to sit legged on the bed. “I don’t know who you are, or what you want. But I’m thankful for your existence and help.” He patted Hyunjin on the shoulder softly, feeling a little uncomfortable now that he slowly realized that his gun and his weapons weren’t near him anymore and he couldn’t really defend himself if he needed to. Of course, he didn’t fear death. However, the thought of Hyunjin being a torturous sadist that loved to play games with other’s minds and bodies made him feel nauseous._

_“Stay, I’ll take care of you.” Hyunjin turned his head, his voice barely more than a whisper and Changbin inhaled deeply. He couldn’t stay, he needed to bring his prey back home and see his partner. Minho… he must worry about him by now, waiting for his share._

_“Please.”_

_Changbin sighed. “Okay, okay. I’ll stay here until this wound:” he pointed onto his shoulder, “until this is healed.” Hyunjin’s face lit up. “Good!” he shouted, almost too happy for Changbin’s liking, but that’s how it was and he didn’t really want to change it anymore. Apparently, he was glad. Hyunjin could hide him from the police and take care of him just until he could walk again. Until he could flee._

_However, after two months, when Changbin had healed long ago, he still didn’t leave. It’s not that he wanted to stay, Hyunjin didn’t let him leave. But it’s okay, Changbin had somehow started to like Hyunjin more than he had planned to. Hyunjin was irresistible, so masculine and tall, yet a whole kid after all and Changbin couldn’t deny that he absolutely loved it here. Being lonely with only one person he could trust. He had forgotten about his partner and had given half of the prey to Hyunjin, more than just half of it even. Taking care of each other had gotten a habit and Changbin started taking care of the younger one just the same. Hyunjin. His friend, his brother, his partner. His life._

_“Hyung!” He loved hearing his voice._

_“Hyung, let’s go taking a swim!” it was summer by now, the sun burning down on both of them and drying out the whole forest, but the little lake was still there, shrank a little with the time, but it was still cooling and nice. This lake was also one of Changbin’s first particular memories together with Hyunjin he wanted to keep forever._

_It’s not that they’ve never had an argument. Once, they even had a fight, which ended with Hyunjin throwing Changbin against a wall and knocking him out, just to take care of him again and apologize about one hundred times. Of course, Changbin had forgiven him the first time he did._

_However, he had always been like this. He loved seeing Hyunjin, how much he might love him, suffer and distressed and scared. Before, he had told Hyunjin to bend over and undress and he’d have hit him on his back with his belt. Then, those_ punishments _, how Changbin liked to call them, grew more violent, more manipulative and, much to Hyunjin’s misfortune, more frequent._

_This time, after their fight, Changbin told Hyunjin to lock himself in the basement of the house, alone. In the darkness. Apparently, that was nothing compared to the other things he had let him do before, but Hyunjin’s reaction proved him different._

_He remembered him freezing, his whole body shaking and no word coming out of his mouth anymore. Darkness. Changbin had thought that it was the darkness that scared the black-haired younger one, but he was wrong. It was being locked in a small room, something like claustrophobia. Then, something more like a trauma. Hyunjin was so scared of being alone, being locked, not being able to see._

_Hyunjin was extremely vulnerable. So petite and delicate and fragile. Yet he always tried to act tough and all grown up, but then there were moments where Changbin faced a little child again. After being locked in the cellar for only twenty minutes, Hyunjin had started yelling, screaming and shrieking for help, hammering his fists against the heavy wooden door and scratch the hard material. Changbin hadn’t really known what to do other than free him and take him upstairs, making him lay down and tugging him under a blanket. The poor thing had been shaking, his teeth chattering and from time to time, he mumbled something Changbin couldn’t understand. And how sick it might sound; Changbin had loved seeing Hyunjin like that. Lost, broken, traumatized. Hyunjin still hadn’t calmed down after hours, only when Changbin went to bed as well, he stopped whimpering at least as he grasped the older one by his skinny upper arms, tugging him underneath the sheets and pressing the smaller body to his own and Changbin could feel how hot and sweaty Hyunjin was. And all of sudden, for the first time ever, he had felt guilty._

_A memory he rather wanted to forget, but it was somehow burned into his mind._

_One day later, when Hyunjin had woken up hours later than Changbin had, he looked like a complete mess, puffy cheeks, swollen and red eyes and tousled hair. “Hyung…” Changbin felt a lump of nervousness stuffing his throat shut as he swallowed and got up to guide Hyunjin to the table and sit him down carefully. “I need to tell you something.” Hyunjin’s voice had been hoarse and Changbin had been glad that the younger one had started talking out of his own will. And the story left even him speechless._

_Apparently, Hyunjin had lived with his mother until he was ten years old. Until he found her laying dead on the ground in their kitchen, stabbed with a knife. Of course, the police had done nothing to search for the culprit as it looked like ‘suicide’, but Hyunjin had known deep down that she must have been murdered. This is how he had lost his faith in the police. This is one part of the story why he had helped Changbin._

_The other half had seemed to be even worse as Changbin had needed to ask Hyunjin what had happened after that ‘incident’. Hyunjin had swallowed hard, having tears running down his cheeks as he hiccupped and chocked out the whole story. How he needed to life with someone else, some strange man he didn’t even know, who didn’t let him go to school and made him work instead. Not normal work though, work that Hyunjin didn’t want to do. And how the man, of which he didn’t even know the name from, had used to lock him up all the time. Lock him in a very small, dark room, sometimes leaving him there without any light for a whole day and rarely even longer. The beatings, the constant yelling and scolding. What a trauma. Hyunjin had had to endure it all though, he had never said no, or stop, he had always been way too scared of the consequences and that the man might force him to do more than what he had been doing until then. That man had actually turned Hyunjin into a doll._

_This was a memory Changbin had kept well in his mind: the pure and burning hate against this man._

_Hyunjin had broken down after that and Changbin had brought him back into his room again, laying him down and laying with him because he didn’t dare taking to him._

_“I can kill him for you.” Had he said. Hyunjin’s answer made him shiver._

_“I want to see it.”_

_That’s how Changbin had killed the man, someone he hadn’t known, but someone who had deserved it. And until now, Changbin had never felt sorry for him. This bastard’s death was past._

_That’s the end of his memory. That’s how he got to know Hyunjin._

 

 

 

 “L-let me go!” he shouted and Seungmin let the wheelbarrow fall down annoyedly. “Listen, Lix, if you go against me, I’ll _hurt_ you.” His voice was low and the ginger shrank, sinking back into his seat and pulling his arms up to his chest. Seungmin noticed his tied hands were shaking, but he didn’t care. Who did this boy think he is? “You know, I’ve been watching you for a long time now.” He started, Felix’s eyes glued onto him. “For real! If you knew how much I know about you…” he drove the wheelbarrow over a stone and the younger one whimpered as it came down a little too hard and hit his injured leg. “Stop crying.” Seungmin commanded, feeling himself growing slightly eager because he really hoped Changbin was still sleeping now. However, the adrenaline he felt was kicking in way more and he just wanted to bring this boy home and make him _his_. Felix couldn’t run away anymore. His Lix. His world.

“You’re not even my friend!” Felix squirmed in his seat, trying to break free from the ties around his wrists and knees. “What do you want from me?” he was shouting by now and Seungmin only chuckled. “ _Lix_ … you’re just as pure and dumb as ever.” If he only knew. Seungmin had seen him. Had watched over him every day, looked at the pictures he had taken. So, so many pictures. “I know _you_. But you don’t know _me_. It’s that simple.” Felix looked up, closing his mouth and widening his eyes a little. He didn’t get it. “I’m the one that keeps looking through your window when you get up, that guy that’s always somehow behind you, follows you wherever you go.” He couldn’t wait. He had engrossed Felix, he was his.

The ginger yelped when Seungmin gripped him harshly by his tied wrists, yanking him forward and off the wheelbarrow, letting him fall down onto the ground carelessly. The ginger squirmed and pulled on his ties, but it was no use as Seungmin kneeled down, over him, pinning him down between the leaves and the branches of the slightly soaked forest floor. “Get off!” Felix shrieked, his deep voice surprisingly high pitched. Seungmin just smiled at him, his pearl white teeth sparkling as he stared down. “Calm down, Lix…” Felix’s breath sped up. The older one constantly called him ‘Lix’, that’s the reason he had felt nauseous when Changbin had called him like this. Lix.

“Lix?”

No, he didn’t want to go on. He refused to let this person he didn’t know get near him. “You’ve lost, accept it.” He couldn’t. Felix felt helpless and desperate when Seungmin came closer and closer, until their faces were just centimetres apart. “You’re mine.” Seungmin spoke much too calm for Felix’s liking and he opened his eyes glaring up. “I’m not an object!” he pushed himself up, feeling his legs aching in the process, but he managed to shove the older one off him. Seungmin got up then. “Of course, you _are_! You are mine after all.”

Felix got mad. He couldn’t really move, but he started backing away, crawling backwards until his back hit a tree somewhere behind him. “I’m not yours.” He whispered, his voice was hoarse. Seungmin’s face suddenly fell. “You. Are.”

Felix pressed himself into the prickly bark of the tree behind him, pulling his knees up to his chest as the older one approached.

Felix felt the blood inside his veins freezing in fear as he stared right into the barrel of the gun, which was pointed directly at him. “Seung…” he couldn’t finish. He felt too tongue-tied to bring one more word over his trembling lips. Never in his entire life had he been more scared to die than now. Not even when Changbin had tried to strangle him. The red-haired one opposite of him inhaled shakily. “Why…?” he asked, but Felix didn’t dare speaking. What would Seungmin want to hear? What should he answer to calm the older one down somehow? “Why can you cling to everyone but _me_?”

He didn’t know. Was he clingy? Felix gasped a little as Seungmin released the safety catch of the pistole he was holding tightly in his shaky hand. “S-sorry, please…” what did he even want to say? Felix’s hopes were dropping along with his consciousness and he felt like he passed out any second. That fear was so… overwhelming. “I’m not sparing you.” Seungmin murmured, tears forming in his eyes. Felix wanted to protest, wanted to do something. He just wanted to live. “Wait, Seungmin!”

_BANG!_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was too late.

It was too late to give up.

Felix didn’t even notice he had been holding his breath after the much too loud sound echoed through the forest, carried by the trees surrounding him. The bulled, still smoking, stuck beside his head, just centimetres away from his ear, in the rind of the tree. Felix was sure he had felt it stroking him, but he wasn’t sure if it was just an imagination.

Then, he slowly realized that it wasn’t Seungmin, who had missed him just by barely a centimetre, it was a small, dark-clothed figure that was standing behind the tall red-head, Seungmin being frozen and petrified. Only then, Felix noticed that Seungmin didn’t even have his fingers wrapped around the trigger yet.

“Dumbass.”

Changbin’s deep, raspy voice sounded scary and Seungmin slowly turned around, facing the small, but fierce-looking killer. Changbin was grinning, smiling so sickening sweetly at both of them with his gun still aimed at Felix and smoke coming out of the barrel of the gun. _He_ had shot. Felix felt his palms getting sweaty. “You can’t kill him!” shouted the older one, directed to Seungmin, who still didn’t speak. Changbin lowered his gun, jumping down the little embankment and stepping closer, past Seungmin, who didn’t even attempt to move as the older one’s shoulder collided with his and made him stumble a little.

Seungmin didn’t even blink, standing there, a little delayed and only now realizing what he was about to do as he eyes the loaded gun in his hands. Changbin had bent down by now, in front of Felix, reaching out to caress a single ginger strain of hair out of his eyes and pinning it behind his ear. “I scared you, right?” Felix’s eyes were still wide, his breath uneven, but he felt calm now. Changbin was here now, after all. He was safe. However, he nodded after a while, swallowing and not breaking eye-contact as Changbin gave him that lovely, caring gaze he loved so much. “I’m sorry… but I had to safe you.” He needed to safe him. Changbin came to safe him. In the world he lived in, there were only people that wanted to harm him. Changbin was different though, Changbin loved him. Changbin wanted him. Only Changbin.

_BANG!_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hyunjin was sitting on the floor, shivering in coldness and fear of what’s waiting for him behind the darkness, which seemed to swallow him. His voice was sore from screaming, his palms red from hammering them against the door and he had tears streaming down his face over already dried tears. Distress and nausea and anxiety made him go insane and he bent over once more, shoving his own fingers down his throat again, for the fourth time now, feeling his stomach turning in the process, but nothing came out anymore. The foul stench of vomit and sweat filled the whole room by now, the smell of _him_. Hyunjin groaned, spit and snot running down his chin and he spat out, gargling, before he started scratching on the stone-floor. He didn’t even know what he was doing, digging an exit maybe, but he knew he wouldn’t use it anyways. He was way too scared of Changbin freeing him and him not being there.

Changbin, where was he? How long has it been? Hyunjin felt as if he was down here since days, even though he knew it might have only been a few minutes. And he counted inside his head, counting unevenly up to something around twenty, just to restart from zero again because the adrenaline made it impossible for him to concentrate on anything else than _fleeing_. He pressed himself further into the surface behind him, as flatly as possible, he feared the thing lurking in the darkness would come and grasp his feet, or anything and drag him down. Down. Down. Further into the deep darkness, back down to those men. To _this_ man.

He feared it so much he rather died than live like this ever again. Seven, eight, nine… zero. He waited for the click in the lock, or a knock on the door or at least steps. If he only knew if Changbin was still upstairs. Who would help him if the men came? He hated everyone in the world. He hated Changbin for locking him here, for not loving him back. For making him a mere toy. And he hated himself for not being good enough.

Dumb, ugly, annoying. He was so childish. How he wished to be like Felix… to be unique and cute and obedient as well, but he wasn’t. He was only Hyunjin.

_Knock, knock._

Hyunjin held his breath, gasping for air after a while with a caw. “Hyung?” he rasped, dragging his now red and bleeding nails and fingertips over the door again, as it opened and made him fall forward, the light blending him for a second, but he didn’t mind. He was out of there, he was free. Snuggling into the hard ground underneath him and curling up into a sobbing ball of misery, he felt ashamed of himself. However, he couldn’t help it. He needed to cry, he needed to let it all out.

“Damn, Hyunjin…”

Changbin.

Changbin was here.

Hyunjin held back the scream of happiness as he felt the familiar hand caressing over his shoulder. “Come on,” Changbin grabbed him softly by his upper arms, lifting him up in a sitting position. “I’ll forgive you.”

 

 

Hyunjin sat on the couch, gaze lowered. Felix sat opposite of him, watching him with hatefully sparkling eyes and to Hyunjin’s surprise, there was Seungmin as well, one hand cuffed to the armrest of the chair he sat on, legs crossed and face neutral. Everybody else in the world would he panicking right now. Changbin entered, a cup of coffee in his right hand. “So!” he shouted, placing the cup down onto the table in front of the couch and letting himself fall down next to Hyunjin, who still had trouble breathing calmly. However, he did his best, wanted to make his Hyung proud of him. Not only this, but he also didn’t want to loo weak in front of Felix.

“Thanks to _Felix_ ,” Hyunjin didn’t miss the way the older one smiled slightly as he gave the ginger a short look. “Seungmin is alive.” Who did he even think he was? Hyunjin felt angry. “I’m not letting him live long though.” He grinned now and Seungmin shrank visibly in fear. Why let him alive? Hyunjin wanted Seungmin to live, but he didn’t understand why Changbin hadn’t killed him when he had got him in the forest.

What a chaos.

Hyunjin hated it how Felix stood up shakily and a little wobbly, but he stood on his legs again. He was healed, obviously. Just tired and a little out of shape because he hadn’t really used his legs in weeks. “I’m in my room.” He murmured, loud enough for Changbin to hear him and give him a short nod, and Hyunjin saw with jealousy how Felix’s hand brushed over Changbin’s arms as he walked past him quickly, leaving the room.

As the ginger disappeared fully, Changbin turned back towards Seungmin. “You’ve time until tomorrow. I only let you live because you know about Felix’s past.” He pointed his gun, which he had carried with him all the time since they had returned home, at Seungmin’s head. “And believe me…” Now, the older one grinned and Hyunjin noticed Seungmin swallowing audibly. “You’re not dying fast and painless.” With that, he followed Felix into his room, leaving Seungmin alone with Hyunjin without even checking on the tall black-haired one. Never in his life had he felt somehow more hurt by a person’s actions than now. Of course, he had been physically hurt all the time, but never emotionally like that. Changbin had let him down.

“Hey…” He lifted his face slightly, turning towards Seungmin. “At least he’s not killing you.” Hyunjin huffed, wondering how Seungmin could _joke_ about being killed. “I want you to live.” He chocked out, feeling the tears forming in his eyes once more. The trauma from the room, the darkness, the fear, it was still not over and the panic attack wasn’t over as well as he got up, stepping up towards Seungmin and basically sitting on him, slinging his own arms around the red-haired one’s slim waist and torso and he pressed him towards himself like a huge teddy bear. He just needed to hold someone right now, no matter who it was.

Seungmin pressed a kiss to Hyunjin’s hair, one hand pulling the younger one further into his lap, even though Hyunjin was much taller than Seungmin was. “I let you down. Forgive me…” The red-haired one had trouble controlling his voice, Hyunjin noticed immediately. He didn’t want Changbin to kill him.

He really didn’t want Changbin to kill Seungmin.

Seungmin had somehow grasped a hold of his heart like Changbin had done it years ago. What beautiful memories, all forgotten and buried deep somewhere in his mind, freshly dug out and feeling so new now. Now, that he got to know Seungmin. The charming red-head seemed to notice his thinking and the sad stare and he suddenly huffed a little, grinning and letting his head fall between his shoulders. “No, don’t cry.” He said, his voice sounding and calm, and Hyunjin hadn’t even noticed he was crying. “Sorry…” he mouthed, wiping his arm over his wet eyes and drying the few tears and his face got hot and his throat sore as he chocked a sob. Seungmin only closed his eyes, smiling softly as the younger one cupped his cheeks gently with both hands, caressing his thumbs over the other’s tanned, pretty face. “I told you… stop crying now, look,” Hyunjin winced a little in surprise as Seungmin freed his hands from behind his back, bringing both of them in front of his body and slinging his arms around Hyunjin’s slim waist to pull him even closer. “We can run, before he kills me. But you must leave him behind.” Hyunjin swallowed at that, knowing that he was speaking the truth. It was just hard. It was so freaking hard to forget about those feelings he once had felt towards Changbin. It wasn’t that Seungmin replaced Changbin, or… maybe it was like that. However, a memory always stood. Until he died. He would always remember Seo Changbin, but Seungmin gave him some strange kind of hope he really needed right now. So, he decided.

He wished he had never liked him.

He wished he hadn’t wasted all those times talking to him or thinking about him. He wished he hadn’t worried or cared about all the times the older one ignored him. He wished he never got excited every time he had made him feel special. He wished he had never believed every word he said. He wished he had never gotten his hopes up high for him. And he wished he had never kept trying and trying, knowing he would just go through the same thing. Because in the end, the one that gets hurt isn’t Changbin. It’s him.

“Let’s use the sleeping pills one last time.” Seungmin murmured. Hyunjin shifted a little on him. “Why?” He knew he wanted to talk to Felix one last time. Plus, it would buy them some time to get away without Changbin noticing.

“Learn the difference between connection and attachment.” Hyunjin stared at him confusedly as Seungmin drove his fingers through the younger one’s silky hair. “Connection gives you power, attachment sucks the life out of you.”

 

 

“Yoh!” Seungmin shouted a little too loud as he pushed the door open. The ginger on the bed jerked his shoulders in surprise, looking up with a fierce gaze and hatefully burning eyes. However, the second Seungmin entered, Felix’s expression softened, eyes widening slightly and he pulled himself backwards onto the bed until his back hit the wall behind him. “Not again…” he whispered, more to himself, but Seungmin caught it anyway. “Calm down, Lix, I just want to talk.” “I don’t want to talk!” Felix shouted as Seungmin came closer. Seungmin stopped his tracks, letting his gaze fall aside before he spoke up once more. “I thought you wanted to know about your past.” Felix shut up immediately, blinking confusedly as Seungmin took out a crumbled piece of paper and threw it at him, only catching it laboriously. “What is that?” Felix asked, frowning and unfolding the paper. “A bomb.” Seungmin answered dryly, chuckling and Felix huffed in response, reading the few phrases and freezing.

Felix’s felt his pals getting sweaty. He knew this little poem. However, it somehow made him feel uneasy and frightened, as if it was more of a threat. His hands were shaking and he nearly jumped as the sudden voice that sat him into this petrified state appeared right beside him. “Told you, I wasn’t your friend.”

Seungmin.

Who was Kim Seungmin?

Felix shifted and turned aside in an attempt to avoid the red-haired one. “Don’t run away now, I apologized! Right?” Right? Felix stopped, thinking. Seungmin seemed to know him just as good as he knew himself and that scared him. “I’m not talking to you.” He huffed, letting his gaze fall down onto his hands, which he had folded in his nap and nervously played with his fingers. “Besides… if Hyung finds you here, he’ll kill you.” He wasn’t lying. And he wanted Seungmin to leave. However, the older one didn’t even consider leaving like this as an option.

“I just want to talk.” Felix snorted. Ah, yes. Talking. “Just how you talked to me before?” he hated the way Seungmin smiled at that, he could see him clearly. “I’m sorry for that.” Idiot. Felix hated him. “For real!” the ginger didn’t even want to hear it. Someone who had the energy and the nerves to kidnap him, point a weapon to his head and almost kill him in some sort of psycho-possessive-love rush, he didn’t trust. Less than Hyunjin.

“Besides,” Seungmin stood in front of him now, hands on the ginger’s slim shoulders and pushing him down onto the couch. “You have no choice!” Felix sighed as Seungmin let himself drop down onto the couch beside him.

“Alright,” Felix leaned back, grabbing the knife underneath the pillow, just in case. “You’ve got five minutes.” He didn’t want to listen to him more, but he still felt curious. Would Seungmin tell him about his former life? Excitement filled his stomach. Seungmin inhaled deeply, turning towards him. “So… It was like this…”

_Felix caressed his brown hair out of his eyes. Grew long, he needed to cut it. Ever since he moved to Korea and started comparing himself to everyone else around him, he stopped liking the way he looked. Apparently, he hated himself for his face. It was too tanned, had freckles, something that he once had been proud of, but detested now. Why couldn’t he be like everybody else? Pale, without spots on his face. And a little taller maybe._

_However, there he was. Standing in front of his mirror, looking at his reflection in the dim, yellow light of the room. He wore a hoodie to hide the two scars on his arms, because scars were ugly._

_“Felix?”_

_He winced in surprise, crossing his arms and grasping his upper arms as he turned around. “You know you need to be ready in five minutes, right?” Oh, crap… “I should go then.” He lived opposite of him, yet he loved the presence of him, his awfully small, but handsome neighbour that was a little delayed and messy. He was funny, awkward sometimes, but always lovely. Felix couldn’t deny that he absolutely loved him. “You know you can come over when you’re done!” he hummed, smiling softly and it calmed Felix a lot. This smile. The world was okay when he smiled._

_“I’m meeting up with Chan later.” He excused, grabbing his bag from aside, hoping for the short man opposite of him to say something else. “How about dinner, then?” Felix felt a hand brushing over his face, pinning his pretty long hair behind his ear. “I know, it’s too long.” He murmured, avoiding eye-contact. The black-haired one laughed huffily. “I think it looks cool like this.” Really? He felt himself blushing. “By the way, it’s cold outside, wear a jacket!” Now, he smiled._

“So… your neighbour’s name was Han Jisung. You’ve crashed over at his like every day. Even though you live just next to him.” Felix swallowed. Han Jisung. Of course, how could he forget? All of sudden, those memories came back. How they gamed every night until morning, watched movies together, ate together, laughed together. He remembered them promising when they turn 40 and still don’t have a partner that they’d just marry each other. Laughing soda out of his nose, loosing games and playfully beating each other, cooking together and almost burning down the whole kitchen. Felix’s heart clenched. He missed it, those moments, this time. He missed Jisung. Biting his lips, he turned his head back to face Seungmin. “Who is Chan?” Seungmin sighed, leaning back. “Who _was_ Chan…”

 _“Hi mate!” Felix crumbled the piece of paper, which he was reading with wide eyes, in his hands, stuffing it into his pocket and turning on his heels to face the much too loud voice. “Good afternoon, mate!” he shouted, acting happier than he actually was as Chan approached him, a wide smile on his face. Felix felt relieved that there was at least_ one _person that was talking to him in English. Apparently, his Korean was nowhere._

 _“You wanted to talk to me?” Chan asked after they greeted and bought ice cream. Felix had strawberry, Chan had chocolate. Felix_ did _want to talk to him, really, and he would be lying if he said he hadn’t formed the phrases inside his head over and over again for the last twenty minutes. However, he only laughed nervously. “I’m sorry. I just really missed your company.” He lied. Well, it wasn’t fully lied, but it was not the whole truth. “Oh, alright.” Chan replied, finishing his ice cream quickly. Felix stayed quiet, swallowing, letting the almost molten ice in his cup. “Felix?” He didn’t even hear it, absent in his mind. The poems didn’t leave him. Who was that person? Why needed it to be him out of all people?_

_“Yongbok?”_

_He hated his Korean name. “Hm?” he finally awoke a little, shaking his head to find his way better to the present. Where he was, sitting beside his best friend on a bench on a hot summer day, ice cream molten and sweat running down his face. “Hey, Felix.” He hadn’t even noticed that Chan was talking to him. Then, he felt a cool palm on his forehead, and he couldn’t help but lean into the touch. He trusted nobody but Chan. Chan was allowed to do that, Chan was his friend. Nobody else could do that, and the thought of someone watching him right now and imagining_ him _being the one close to Felix made him feel sick. “Mate, you’ve got a fever.” Chan finally said, letting his hand fall aside and Felix couldn’t deny how he missed the touch. “Chris.” He finally looked at him, switching to English. Chan looked at him with expecting eyes, but Felix couldn’t bring the words over his lips. ‘_ There’s someone following me around. He knows who I am, he knows me better than I know myself. He’s always there, the red hair that’s following me. He wants me, he wants me _…’ Felix swallowed. “I think I’m going away for some time. Vacation, you know.” He didn’t miss the way Chan’s face fell a little in disappointment, before he quickly acted it up as normal again. “Oh, vacation… where are you going?” Felix wanted to punch himself. “Don’t know yet.” He admitted, he knew though that he was too scared and too nervous to go somewhere alone all by himself. “Is Jisung coming along?” no, he couldn’t involve Jisung in this. Jisung was his neighbour, he would never let him down. “No, I’m going alone.” Chan seemed sceptical, nodding and letting his face fall aside, watching the sea gulls flying over the sky, over the harbour and over the ships. “Alright. Contact me when you’re back, okay?” Felix bit his lip, knowing that he might never returned. “I will.” He inhaled deeply. “Hyung.”_

Seungmin had his arms crossed and Felix felt his head aching. So many things… it was as if his head was exploding with all the memories that made it back into his mind. He felt so full, so overdone and overused and so on, he felt the hammering behind his eyes and his ears getting hot. He remembered Chan, Chris, his best friend. And all of sudden, he longed for him. “For real, I have no idea how you got the airplane, but you somehow managed.” Seungmin inhaled. “And of course, the whole police was after you because you stole it.” It’s a wonder nobody found him, or even searched for him. “I made sure everybody thought you’re dead.” It was as if Seungmin could read his thoughts and he looked up, his face puffy. The red-head laughed out loud. “Told you! I know you better than you know yourself!” Felix didn’t find that funny at all. So, Chan and Jisung thought that he was dead. Oh, no. He needed to contact them, he needed to tell them that he was alive, that he was fine and that he would come back soon. “By the way…” Seungmin went on, and Felix turned his attention back to him, feeling strangely light, as if he needed to do something right now. “Chan moved back to Australia. And Jisung moved out and I don’t know where he lives now.” Almost immediately, Felix let his shoulders fall again, all the happiness and the hope disappearing just as fast as it came.

“Lix.”

He shuddered, the nickname made him feel somehow… weak. He didn’t want to be called Lix.

“I’m leaving. Hyunjin will, too.” Seungmin got up from the bed, biting his lips. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I loved you and that scares me.” Felix rose his eyes, feeling anger and fear rising inside his chest. Oh, it scared him too. “It’s over, now. I’m sorry.” Seungmin murmured, blinking slowly. Felix hated how he forgave him somehow. With one last glance, Seungmin left the room, shutting the door and leaving. Forever.

 

 

_Before_

“You and I, huh…” Changbin murmured, cupping Hyunjin’s cheek with one hand. “Always almost. We were always on the verge of almost.” A shadow fell over Changbin’s face as he pulled the taller one closer to his body. “Never nothing. Never something.” Hyunjin sniffed now. “I think part of me will always wait for you, even if the other knows you’ll never come.”

He was a little too much for people to handle. A little too sad, or a little too overbearing, or maybe even a little too annoying. He was always too much. However, he was always too little for the only person he had ever really loved and that screw him up inside. He was never enough. “Hyung,” he said, voice getting hoarse. “I’ll go with Seungmin.” _Seungmin_. Changbin had never felt so needy to _kill_.

However, who was he to stop Hyunjin? Defeated, he let his head sink, wanting to travel back in time. If he only had been better to him, of only Felix hadn’t taken over his place… it was too late now. “Hyung.” It sounded so painful. His voice was so painful to listen to. “I’ll go now. Let me.” He couldn’t stop him anyways. “Go…” he mumbled, not able to look at the younger one. His body tensed as those slender arms wrapped around his body, pulling him close to Hyunjin one last time. Changbin suddenly felt anxious. He couldn’t survive without Hyunjin.

“I’ll keep you in my mind. I promise.” Changbin swallowed. It’s not that he could even forget Hyunjin. From being his world, he fell down to being nothing to him. Nothing.

“Hyung, don’t follow us.” Changbin knew he wouldn’t. “I told Seungmin I’d give you some sleeping pills again. But I won’t.” The smaller one was glad about it. Hyunjin smiled softly, caressing his fingers over Changbin’s cheek. “I love you.” He murmured. “No… I _loved_ you.”

 

 

 

Changbin hadn’t really talked a lot ever since Hyunjin’s and Seungmin’s departure. Felix couldn’t deny that he was glad that both of them were gone, but just how he had feared, Hyunjin broke Changbin’s heart. Brat. He was sitting beside Changbin, who typed some texts into his phone, but Felix didn’t want to see them. He knew they were messages for Hyunjin to come back. He himself sat a little behind the older one, resting his chin comfortable on his strong shoulder and having his arms around the smaller one’s waist carefully. Now, all of sudden, Changbin seemed a lot more vulnerable and fragile than before. So small and tiny, Felix found it almost cute. No, not almost. As Changbin leaned back on him and closed his eyes, exhaling deeply, Felix knew that the older one absolutely was cute. As harsh as it sounded, but Felix felt rather happy, than sorry for Changbin.

“Hyung.” He swallowed, eyes the older one’s pretty face. What a beautiful face.

“Hyung, I need to leave.” He said it, before he even realized. What a dumb phrase, Changbin must got it so wrong. He did. The older one turned his head, eyes glaring up to him and Felix inhaled quickly. “I-I mean… I need to see someone…” his voice faded.

Changbin huffed. “No…” Felix barely registered it. “You want to leave me too?” Felix swallowed, realizing he had said something he shouldn’t have and stepped a little closer. “No, I’m not leaving you. I just want to see some friends.” It went silent, deadly silent and Felix shivered at the heavy atmosphere. “Why…” Changbin’s voice was pressed and Felix felt a little pained at how sad he sounded all of sudden. “Why what, Hyung?” the ginger asked carefully. With that, red eyes and skin shimmering ashen, Changbin looked up, some of his black bangs fell into his almond shaped slit-eyes and covered his forehead, throwing a shade over his face. “I’m not sorry.” He took Felix a little aback with that. Of course, Changbin hadn’t done anything wrong. Right?

“Felix…”

The ginger looked up, noticing that Changbin was standing right in front of him, staring into his deep eyes and for the first time, Felix realized that Changbin was actually shorter than he had thought. Maybe, because today was about the first day he stood on his own legs again. Changbin brought his hands up to Felix’s shoulders, grabbing them firmly, but the younger one didn’t feel scared of threatened. “Do you think I must apologize?” Felix gulped audibly. “No, Hyung.” He didn’t know what he thought. However, he couldn’t think of a reason he needed to, Changbin hadn’t done anything wrong. “Why should I apologize for the monster I’ve become? No one ever apologized for making me this way.” Now, Changbin leaned in closer, so close his chest touched Felix’s and the ginger slung his arms around him protectively.

“I can still hear you telling me it was all my fault.”

Felix didn’t know who he was talking to, or who he was talking about. Strong and firm was the feeling that held him down, stopping him from leaving, but Felix actually really wanted to leave. Really. He wanted to see Chan again, and Jisung, and somehow, he wanted to go back to his old apartment and pick all the memories he had lost back up. He wanted to go. He needed to go.

“Hyung, I can walk by myself now. You don’t need to come along.” He tried to sound somehow cheering, but he realized that it was not really the case as Changbin let go of him, harshly ripping himself away from the younger, yet taller one and he sunk down onto the couch again, crossing his arms. “Fine.” He huffed, face puffy. “Leave, if you want to.” Felix swallowed once more, feeling somehow light. He was _allowed_ to leave.

With that, he nodded, smiling widely and storming out of the house, out into the green forest, feeling his legs, fully healed now, being weak and unused for months, yet he felt good. He felt the fresh air hitting his face, his lungs aching as he was exhausted way too fast. He was free. He was going home.

 


	10. Like fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ending

#  Chapter X

Empty. That’s it.

Everything’s empty.

And boring. And lonely.

The room was empty, the house was empty, even the sky above him was empty. His head felt hollow.

Let him go.

He wanted to let go. He was gone, but he’s everywhere. He couldn’t let go. He just wished Felix heard the way he was thinking of him right now.

Jesus, when had he become so… vulnerable? Was he a cry-baby? He didn’t cry, hadn’t cried before, but he felt so weak and unstable right now that he felt ashamed of himself. A certain ginger-haired boy constantly sat in his mind and blocked everything else to come to his mind. Only him. Only.

Let him go.

What is wrong with you? Let. Him. Go.

Changbin gripped his hair, burying his face in his palms and pressing his eyes shut. He wanted to blend all those inward voices, that were screaming at him, out of his head. Hyunjin’s departure hurt, but Felix… he didn’t expect Felix to leave. And he didn’t want the ginger to leave. In less than three days he felt like he had lost everything. It’s not that he had had a life before, no. Before, he had given Hyunjin all the money of his robberies and stood hidden. That’s not a life. At least not one he wanted. Right now, he wanted Felix.

What if the boy hadn’t made it out of the forest safely? What if he was attacked by some creep, or even worse, by some killer? Sort of him wanted the younger one to live happily. However, the thought of Felix being with someone else than him, _loving_ someone else than him, made him crazy. He wanted to be better, if he just had been better to him. He regretted letting him leave. He regretted falling in love with this stupid, pretty, clumsy boy. He regretted saving him somehow, regretted taking care of him. Hell, he regretted this whole damn life. And the thought of meeting Felix again as a different person, in a different time, as a different character, didn’t leave him alone. If he had been somehow nicer, maybe Felix would have liked him more. Or, had it been his looks? Changbin didn’t take care of himself too much, so he looked more average than handsome. Apparently, he had never really thought about the way he looked. It was somehow enough to make both, Hyunjin and Felix, fall for him. However, the love he had received had disappeared just as fast as it had come.

And here he was. He was the looser. The idiot. The loner.

Of course, he had thought about going after Felix, stopping him before he made it to the civilisation and out of the forest. He could have locked him inside the basement again. He could have him forever down there and take care of him. However,… would that make him happy? What if Felix didn’t turn into a mindless doll again? Now, that his legs were healed, or almost healed, he didn’t know if the younger one still fell for his sweet talk and tricks. Probably not.

What could he do? He needed to do something! Felix wasn’t coming back, neither was Hyunjin. Changbin was all alone by himself now, thinking, not thinking, probably thinking so much his head started aching after a little while that felt like an eternity.

He got up. Just to sit down again. Time passed, sometimes slow, sometimes fast. He couldn’t register it anymore. And with sudden panic of staying all alone by himself he got up once more, storming out of the house. He couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t let him go. Because Changbin was a selfish person. Aimlessly running and breathing as if he ran a marathon, Changbin finally got to the little path, that led out of the forest. Who cared if anyone saw him? Who cared if he went to prison? Who cared if he was sentenced to death? As long as he saw him just one last time. One last minute with him, one second was enough. He just needed one more hug, maybe he could ask for one more kiss even. As he ran, an old couple came across and eyed him suspiciously, but Changbin didn’t care. One last glimpse. One last thought wasn’t enough, he wanted to see Felix again. He wanted to remember all his freckles, all his lashes and the colour of his eye brows and his eyes of course. In this whole half a year, Changbin had never taken a closer look. All those things he wanted to see and remember. He wanted to remember how those tiny hands felt, when they were clenching to him, pulling him closer to a taller body with large shoulders and a muscular chest. Never had he realized how much he melted into Felix’s hugs.

He wanted to curse, scream and shout out his name. Lee Felix. What a pretty name. Why had he let him go?

A second later, his view got black for less than a second, something knocked the air out of him and made him see stars even as he basically _flew_ back, landing on the ground harshly. Damn, that hurt. Changbin slowly got into a sitting position, before he made it onto his feet again, patting the dust and the dirt off his clothes and looking up, gaze a little furious as he looked at the person who had ran into him.

“Don’t you have eyes?” he asked annoyedly, he had so many things to do. However, as he caught the person right in front of him, he froze. His heart dropped. “Only for you.” The ginger smiled widely at him.

Changbin felt his world turning and spinning for a second, before he caught himself again. He was not hallucinating, he was not insane yet. “ _Hyung_.” Hyung. “You look pale, are you okay?” Yes. He didn’t know if he was crying, he only knew that he had never felt so relieved in his entire life. “Hyung? Are you not happy to see me?” Changbin huffed at that, letting his head fall, and a single tear escaped his eyes. He wasn’t someone who cried easily. However, this was something new. Something he wished for, and came true as well. “Yes…” he breathed, wiping his arms over his face to dry the tears away. “Yes, I am happy.” Felix stepped closer, standing right in front of him. “I missed you. I wanted to come back.” Said Felix with his attractively deep voice and Changbin realized how he had never noticed how much he actually loved this voice. “Did you come back for me? Or did you decide to take a run?” what an idiot. Changbin inhaled, reaching out and grabbing Felix’s arm gently, pulling him towards him and into a hug. “I came because I couldn’t take it without you.” He finally said it. Felix seemed surprised as well, smiling widely and patting the older one’s hair. “Good boy!” he shouted a little too loud, but Changbin didn’t mind and huffed into the younger one’s chest with a smile on his face. “I miss you.” He whined, but he didn’t feel embarrassed for it. He needed Felix to return. “Let’s go for a walk.” Felix said, pulling away slightly and Changbin missed the warmth the second it left his side. “I’ve never told you, right? I _love_ taking walks!”

 

 

The sun was right about to set. It was quiet by now, only some syrens ringing from afar. However, both of them weren’t scared that it would find them. They sat on the shore to a lake, much larger than the one in front of Changbin’s house. As they had returned, Changbin had opened all blinds and opened all windows. Because Felix loved light. Now, the younger one leaned his head comfortable on his shoulder, watching the bright crimson red light shining over the water as he linked their hands. “Hyung…” he asked after a while. “What is it?” how he loved him. “Can I ask you something?” what a dumb question. “Go on.” He cheered for the ginger, holding his hand up to Felix’s face and shielding his eyes from the sun for him.

“Are you a bad person?” Asked Felix, eyes filled with curiosity, even though he already knew the answer. Changbin inhaled sharply. “Depends on who you ask.” He didn’t expect the younger one to suddenly sling his skinny arms around his waist and pull him closer, just gently pressing his tinier frame to his own warm body. “If you asked me, I’d answer you’re a good one.” Felix buried his face in the older one’s neck and Changbin felt himself becoming sweaty. He could feel the ginger’s calm heartbeat rhythmically thudding softly inside his chest, giving him some sort of safe feeling. How did he even deserve someone as pretty, intelligent and gentle like Felix? Softly, he caressed over the younger’s silky ginger hair, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I want to stay with you.” Mouthed Felix. “But I’m scared where we’ll end up.” His phrase faded away, and for the first time ever, Changbin felt like Felix’s child-like thinking didn’t annoy him. No, it made him think about it as well. Also, for the first time ever, he didn’t answer with something the younger wanted to hear, but something he really thought inside his head.

“Who knows where we’ll end up, I just hope I’ll be with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear reader  
> You've made it:))   
> This here is the official end of After The Rain  
> Because I've worked like half a year on this and more, I'm almost a little sad that it's ended like that. However, please note that I might update some more chapters, because I'm still full of ideas and I kind of want to write about them as well because it feels like... an undone mission somehow, because I prepared them, but didn't use them. It will take a while of course, you know I'm a slow updater and I like taking time rereading all of my chapters and texts again and again to make sure I really like them. I never update something I don't like and I actually deleted about twenty pages on this story already, just to rewrite those parts. I love the aesthetic style of dark stories, the ones that make you stay up until two am because you want to read on and know more about it. I wish my story made you feel curious and excited, and I really hope some of you guys felt just as excited as I am when I update, when you get the notification that a new chapter is up.  
> I wanted to make this short because I know the Author's jabbering isn't half as interesting as the story;) So, I'll finish here. 
> 
> I wish you all a very nice day!!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dear readers!  
> First of all: I wish you a nice day, and of course a nice time reading this story:) to be honest, I've worked on this for almost one year now, and I decided to finally post it. I hope you like it^^  
> By the way, there's no trigger warning, or super hot smut scenes here:) So, if you're under 18 years old and like to read angsty and psychological stories, this one might be something for you;) I'm extremely interested in psychology, you'll notice fast when you read. I'm working on the last two chapters, but I'll try to keep updating regularly, like once, or twice a week maybe!  
> So... enough of my jabbering for now:) Have fun reading!!


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